lying ...this might not make sense...

lying ...this might not make sense...
H

Happenstance

Registrant
Sometimes I lie to hide the parts of me that I think are bad or are too embarassing to divulge. Sometimes I lie to get out of doing something or going someplace because mentally I just don't want to.
Sometimes I lie to get away from something, be it a person or a conversation or an activity, that triggers memories for me that I have absolutely no want to confront.
Most of the time, I am lying to myself...
 
No, for me the truth is the only way to go and much easier to remember. People who lie cannot be trusted. The question is very black and white for me. Lies are always bad and will eventually be found out. Peace, Andrew
 
demonboi,

I wish I had a clear answer for you. I can definitely picture a time when lying would be the less harmful thing to do. When folks don't acknowledge the fact that they're lying to themselves, lying can became addictive and very harfmul.

As a survivor, I have to be extra careful about lying because it can cause me to feel shame.

I think the topic of lying is complicated and doesn't always make sense. There are consequences to lying and consequences to telling the truth. I strive to tell the truth as much as possible.

What do you think?
 
I am a believer in truth. But I also think there is a difference between a lie and a fib. A lie can hurt or damage you or others. A fib is usually not harmful and can be an appropriate way to get out of an invitation or a situation or cut a phone call short. I think that is what Nijah was referring to. But, overall, there have been too many lies and secrets in this life for me and those only caused me a great deal of pain and anguish. Peace - John
 
Demonboi,

Your question about what you should disclose to your girlfriend raises a much more complex issue about disclosure. I wish I could give you a straight answer to that one, too, but it's probably more complicated than the debate about lying!

The first person I disclosed to other than my therapist was a girlfriend. I was 28 or 29 years old. I felt safe with her at the time.

It's great that you're concerned about your girlfriend's feelings, but don't forget yourself. I think you shouldn't feel like you have to tell her anything you're not comfortable with.
 
Nijah,
To explain the limp, you could tell her that you were assaulted and not give any further details.
Just tell her you don't want to talk about it. And as for the intimacy issues. Maybe just tell her that you are uncomfortable with intimacy but are working on it. Once again, you don't have to give details. But everything you've said is true.
Peace, Andrew
 
Nijah,

I hear were you're coming from. In a sense I have not been entirely truthful with people, but at the same time I have been totally honest.
Essentially, only giving part of the truth without explaining the deep reason of why.

Mostly giving vague responses ... I'm feeling stressed out today ... or I had a stupid incident once so I don't like doing X. Or I'm a gentlemen so I like to go slow. Or It just takes a long time for me to trust. Or I grew hard and fast, seem to be the unlucky sort ...maybe someday I'll tell you about it.

The first person I ever told was a girlfriend I had when I was 16. The only reason why I told her was because she told me about her abuse first. It was a chaotic relationship and we ended up breaking up. In retrospect it probably wasn't good idea telling her since she could have been bitter about the break up and told the entire school my secret. In a way I was lucky that before we broke up she got kicked out of school so really couldn't tell everyone at school.

When I was 14 and with a different girlfreind I remember her wanting to have sex, but I was uncomfortable with it and kinda but the blame on my religion (again true, but not entirely) to get out of having sex. Even today at 34, when I met someone special I put off having sex as long as a I can. They usually end up asking why we haven't gotten physical. I tell them that I really like them, that I want to get really get to know them, and that I don't want our relationship to be focused on being physical. Again the truth, but not the entire why behind it. With the exception of 2 women in my dating experience this has been received rather well and appreciated that the relationship meant a lot to me.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Nyjah,

I think that at 13 both you and Sheena are too young to be sharing this sort of information. I'm not talking down to you as a kid; I'm just saying that the emotional burden is too much for either of you.

You can say that you were hurt when you were younger, and that would be the truth. You can also say that you like her a lot but you aren't ready yet for taking your relationship further. Just find a way to tell her - and show her - that you do really care for her, which I know you do.

I would avoid outright lies to her bro. If she finds out she would have every right to feel distrusted and betrayed. She might then also start wondering if you not being ready for more kissing and other things means you are interested in some other girl. Remember that she is 13 too and is just starting to learn about a lot of these things, same as you.

Much love,
Larry
 
for me it was hard to understand ,before the trial all i heard was tell the truth no matter how hard it is to talk about tell the truth and everything will be fine . as soon as the trial ended the first thing i was told in foster care ,don't tell the other kids or anyone why i was in foster care.they would tell the foster parents my story and let them decide if the other kids should know ,none of them wanted it to ever be discussed .then god forbid if the other kids found out i had to lie to them or fight them ,if somebody asked what happened to my family ,i had to lie ,car accident was my best lie ,in the end i chose to lie out of shame ,if i couldn't talk about it it must be something to be ashamed of . putting my perp in prison should have been something to be proud of ,not ashamed ,they taught us to carry somebody else's shame .in the end lying hurt me much more than anyone i lied to .it made me hate me . i don't lie about it anymore ,i'm learning to be proud to be a survivor ,i say try to tell the truth and be proud of who you are shadow
 
DemonBoi,

Lies... Slippery little devils to work with!

When I was sexually mutilated as a very young child, I had no choice but to ignore the jokes/insults suffered by my fellow/older classmates during Gym in Junior/High School.

When I was raped at 9 years of age, I 'Lied' to everyone (Mother, Teacher), by skipping school for the next three days. I never did say 'Why' I did it, though I was hounded about it terribly.

When I was drugged, tortured, raped by multiple men as a young adult, I never said WHAT had happened to the Dr.'s/Family/Employer... I spent a week in the hospital, then returned to light-duty at work for another two weeks, then, never mentioned/commented on it again thereafter...

We lie to protect ourselves. Most of the time, it is because we did something wrong, or did NOT do something we said we WOULD do.

Lying is wrong, on the surface. Sometimes, we have to, to protect ourselves from a greater harm/punishment...

When you find yourself in a situation where you fell you 'Have to' tell someone something about the way you act/protect yourself, say it in a way that prevents you from telling them too much (while the relationship is still young), while at the same time, supporting them so that they don't feel YOU are taking advantage of them...

Again, a slippery subject.

I wish you all the best on your Healing Path...

Whicker
 
Nyjah,

Sounds to me like you and Sheena are connecting in a good sort of way. Talking openly about the things you mentioned can help build trust between you. That's really important. If and when you have built a solid foundation of trust, then at some point you may be able to say some of the things that are deeper and more personal. That doesn't happen over night.

Just remember to take care of you. Like Born to Resist said, he risked a lot by telling something he probably shouldn't have and was fortunate that things didn't get really bad for him.

I wish you the best, my friend.

John
 
THE TRUTH ABOUT LIES

The problem with lies is that if told long enough they become truths. And soon we start living them, and forget that the truth is the only way out, especially when truth is uncomfortable and lying seems like an easy way out.

Truth frees is instantly. As I am becoming more truthful about myself to myself, I no longer feel this urge to be brutally honest to everyone; I dont have to tell everyone I meet my story. Sometimes it is just not part of their journey.

Speaking my truth to myself has truly been the most freeing experience I have ever had. I no longer need others to approve of my sorrow or acknowledge my pain; because acknowledging the strength I have gained in the end, I have realized that it had to be that way, a solitary journey of my reconnection with my Self. As for the wisdom I have gained in the process I have earned only by doing it my way.
 
Nyjah,

I was thinking about you and Sheena last night, and I want to add a few things to what I said above.

I suggested that at 13 both you and Sheena are too young to be sharing information about your abuse, because the emotional burden would be too much for either of you. What did I mean by that?

When a survivor tells someone close to him, he is taking a big risk in two ways - for himself and for the other person. If the other person takes it badly or says things that hurt the survivor, he will feel betrayed and shamed and it could cause him big problems. The other person, at the same time, may not know what to say. She may suddenly feel responsible for the survivor and wonder what should she do to help. Or she may feel awkward: is the survivor weird? was it his fault? why didn't he run away or tell anyone? can she trust him? etc.

These are huge emotional burdens for ADULTS, and in your case we are talking about a 13 yo boy and a 13 yo girl he likes very much. Like I said, I am not talking down to you, I am just stressing some plain facts that have to do with age. Would you see yourself able to make all the funeral arrangements for a member of your family that you really love? Of course not. The emotional burden would be terrible. And the reason would be your age. We have all been 13 bro. ;) There is a time for everything.

Here is something else to think about. The abuse you suffered IS NOT YOU! It does not define who Nyjah IS! It is a terrible thing that others did. It defines THEM, not you. When you withhold this information from Sheena you are not denying her vital information about who you are and what you are worth as a boy. You were so terribly hurt - okay. Does that make you less lovable? No. Does it make you less able to feel and care for Sheena? No.

One thing you CAN do, Nyjah, is talk to her honestly about issues like sex and touching, kissing, feelings and whatever. Ask her how she feels about you not being ready for sex yet - it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know from our other conversations that you really like Sheena and she likes you, and that is so cool, so very special. Why not tell her that you like her as Sheena; you're not like the boys who just look for girls with sex in mind? Let her see that even though you aren't ready for sex you, as a boy, really feel things for her, as a girl. Tell her that if she were not ready you would still want to be with her and share other things with her - like the dance tomorrow - and you hope she feels the same way about you.

Want to know something bro? Anybody can have sex or fool around. But it takes some special chemistry and strength to share feelings and trust each other. That will be a stronger bond than just sex could ever produce.

Much love,
Larry
 
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