Loyalty (possible trigger?)

[heart]

Me again, sorry guys but I have not done any work or spoken about CSA issues for the past 18 months and I have so much coming up at the moment and I can't keep it in.

I was totally unaware how I was so loyal to my abusers in my mind and in my heart until I started recovery from CSA. I remember going to an SIA meeting and disclosing the incest from my mother and how my parents colluded with a perp, and eventhough I have no contact with my parents and they live in a different country I was convinced they were going to fling the door open and scream at me what a little f***er I was to talk about private family matters to a group of stangers, I kept checking the door whilst sharing!!!

Also when I started to name and SHAME all the bastards to my therapist I felt so guilty, I almost wanted to go to them and apologize for betraying them, I could not even say the word p-phile to describe them.

What has been difficult for me to accept is that having been abused by perps I have internalised these people and although I have never sexually abused anyone in my life (God forbid that I ever will) I have a phd in self-abuse!!! Actually all this messaging/sharing stops me from acting out in various ways including abusing myself.
I did feel scared sometimes in therapy to carry on delving into my CSA because I thought that might turn me into an abuser, again this was some trick of the mind to try to stop me from recovering.

Last thought: I remember once at an SIA meeting reading some preamble and without realizing it I read the word therapist as the rapist.
hum...maybe I am f***ed up after all!!!

Thanks for all the support
Heart

 

[Aden]

Heart,

The mistake in your reading was natural. I have done the same thing many times. We have to allow our eyes to see the truth before we let out minds jump to conclusions.

When you read something like that, back up and re-read it. If on the second scan it still seems the same, you are probably right. But this is a lesson. When reading, you cannot allow your personal problems to inturpert the text. When reading, you must allow yourself to be in the head of the author.

You have to dissassociate from yourself and identify with someone else. It is a very difficult thing to do. First of all, you have to understand the boundries of your own ego.

What I am writing to you, and what you are reading from me are very different things. As an author, my job is to try to be as clear as possible. As a reader, your job is to get out of the way and see what I am saying. You don't have to agree. But you have to understand without the vail of your own mind noise mudding up the waters.

When you write, I give you the same respect. Read with an open heart and mind. then your theripest will be just the person who is here to help and not the rapeist.

Aden

 

[honest_lion]

Heart,
Guess what, you are not f**ed up after all. Like all of us we are just getting more & more honest to ourselves. You are doing a great job in there. Any coward can work with good memories, neglecting bad ones. See we are not coward anymore. Yes it hurts. Your honesty and courage helps me a lot. It tells me I am not the only one going throgh this sshit phase of life. Looking forward to hear from you soon.
-honest_lion

 

[Leosha]

Heart,

As I have not responded to you before, I just wished to say hello, and welcome you here. As always, I wish you did not have need of this place, but I am glad you find it.

I can relate some to the 'loyalty' thing. I have never attended such meetings, but I recall when first I started talking at all about the abuse, I would always follow anything I said with 'but really, it is not so bad, it wasn't so bad'. Pardon, but b*llsh*t. It is all bad. But yes, the fear I had of him, even though I also am in a different country now, kept me wanting to keep it secret. Part of that was the fear, part the shame and such I felt.

But you do not need feel fears or loyalty to them anymore. It is past. They can not hurt you anymore, you are safe from them now. One day you will feel that safety, and embrace it.

Leosha