Low

[svssurvivor]

Hi - I just wanted to reach out to you all as I'm feeling so low.

Last night I went to my second ever therapist session. He's a trained guy in CSA and the first session had gone really well. Sure I felt exhausted afterwards and I'd be a liar if I didn't swing from a big high (the next day) to a massive low (the day after) but the ability to speak about what I'd buried so deep for 35 years was a massive relief and I was feeling positive.

But yesterday's session was hard. Fuck it was so hard. I didn't know what to say, where to start, how to talk about it all. I felt like I was having to do all the work. We carried on for 40 mins or so and then about 15 mins from the end I started to talk. And when I started I couldn't stop. The anger, the tears, the frustration the pain - everything poured out of me. Unfortunately that's when I was told that I had 5 mins left of the session and I felt a low like I have never felt before. I physically felt like I was sinking. I asked..no actually I begged if i could continue for a little. I explained that I had felt ok when I started the session and now I felt like I was sinking into a very dark place. I was told that i couldn't continue.

I'm now away for a week with my family on holiday and I feel like shit. I feel like I am being dragged down and I'm trying to put a brave face on everything for the kids but guys I feel so low, so sad and so abandoned. It's the same feeling that I had when I was sent to boarding school at the age of 10.

Anyway - I just wanted to talk to you guys about it as I need to hear from some mates right now.

 

[Ceremony]

Svssurvivor. Let me know when you're back? I want to share some things about getting back from those tough sessions. They really are the shit!

We have some tools, and they're not perfect, but I've had good results and want to make sure your T told you, or you knew, or you want to learn.

Until then, breath. I'll be on and off, because I have surgery tomorrow morning. It's my knee and I'll only be off for a day. But, I might get to hook up my phone? I hope so?

See you around.

 

[greenwizard]

I sometimes get that way after a T session. Most of the time I try not to think about what happened, but he makes me, and yeah, I only get about an hour to unload. Of course, since mine is also a friend I get a hug afterward, which helps. Cuddling with my girl also makes me feel better too. Now that the weather has been nice we have also been walking the dog. Sunshine and fresh air are always a help to my mood. When I still lived with my mom I would grab my mp3 player and go sit out on the porch swing and listen to my favorite music. Healing ain't for sissies, and you've gotta find ways, healthy and constructive ways mind you, to cope.

 

[svssurvivor]

Hey Ceremony

Good luck with the surgery and thank you so much. I'll let you know when I'm back. In the meantime hope it all goes well.

Thanks Greenwizzard. I'm lucky in the fact I have an amazing wife as well but sometimes it can be very lonely in my head!! Thanks for caring

 

[traveler]

svssurvivor -

yeah - i had forgotten about the letdown after a positive step. it is sometimes so bad that you almost regret starting the whole thing rolling. but it does get better. it is worse at the beginning. just know that it is temporary. sort of like a pendulum - the backlash depends on how far you go in the other direction. and then it evens out again - until the next time. so the good news is that if it feels this bad now, you know you made some pretty significant progress.

in the meantime - until you can get back to your T - i suggest writing. i used a notebook that i kept with me most of the time. if you are concerned about someone seeing it, you can use a password protected tablet or laptop. writing is one of the best things you can do. and of course, if you have the chance - check in here for support.

with you in this,

Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

I use to say to the therapist I felt worse after leaving--all the emotions and memories were there. I think this part of therapy--releasing the pain, memories, emotions we buried for so long begin to seep out and move to a different level of our consciousness. We can feel the pain and emotions. I know it is difficult and please stay the course and do not resort to coping mechanisms as I did--dissociation. It is not healthy and most other coping mechanisms are not healthy.

I hope you are doing better and enjoy the holiday with your family.

Kevin

 

[svssurvivor]

Thanks Lee and thanks Kevin, really great advise and I won't give up on my therapy, don't worry. I'll also try not to resort to coping mechanisms. Well at least not consciously !!!

Lee I'll try writing. Terrified someone will see as My kids are always picking up my tablet but I'll see what I can do to password the file.

Struggling with sleep at the moment and writing this at 4.30am so I'm a bit all over the place but thank you for your messages as they really do help me when I'm feeling low.

 

[Ceremony]

Still awake here too - 11pm. In the hospital bed. The nurse asst = isn't!

Anyway, with all we deal with, it's still difficult when something seems wrong, like not turning on my pump/circulation boots? Why strap them on and not turn them on? Then promptly leave? Of course raising the bed and knocking my phone charger out of the wall got a "no big deal" when I asked what fell to the floor?

So, what I do is write like Lee and Kevin say, but to deal with the immediate discomfortable emotions I do at leat 3 things.
1) consciously breath in good rhythm.

2) notice with touch where I am.

3) consciously feel other things in my immediate surroundings.

 

[manipulated]

sorry you are even more stressed. remember you are a survivor
\

 

[svssurvivor]

Thanks Ceremony - This post actually helped me last night. helped me stay calm - I was awake from 3am and your mind goes to some pretty dark places at that time.

I'll put this into practise earlier tonight and try and get a better nights sleep.

Thanks manipulated. It's hard to remember that sometimes but you're right. I am and will keep reminding myself that. The healing process in all this is so damn hard. I'm not used to living with these thoughts so much of the time having boxed them away for so long.

 

[Elad1]

Svssurvivor

I am sorry you are feeling low, this stuff is not easy and I compliment you because you are very brave to face what was done to you. I can't really add more to the great suggestions given on this thread but I can attest to them, for instance I have a journal with me at all times. This allows me to write anything including my story but it has helped me formulate thoughts to address with my T for the next session. I've have been cut-off because of time and it has left me feeling very empty and sad, it sucks but I intuitively know my therapist isn't going to leave me and that allows me to feel safe. I honor and accept the time of my T and have become very cognizant of time and now taken the practice to ask him, "okay,how much time do I have left now?" This really helps, and I know you will find your way in this process and yes, the process of healing is...well, a process. And ..."the story continues".

 

[TeeJayUU]

Sending you strength! You are not alone, we are here with you. I'm sorry you were cut off just as you started. I know I have considered trying to book a two hour session for the same reason!