Low Back Pain *Possible Trigger*
MrDon
Registrant
For some time, I have been struggling with pain in my low back that is in one specific area. Over the past months, I have had considerable bodywork done on this area and while it usually helps after the session is over, it is not long before the pain comes back. For some reason, I have known or understood that there is more to it than just a physical pain that I feel but never knew why.
After a massage last week where the massage therapist gave a massage that was very deep and rigorous, I felt much worse after the massage than before I went. This is the first time ever that I have felt this way after a massage and I didnt fully understand why that was. Of course I thanked the massage therapist, never letting on to them of how the massage felt to me. I do have my doubts if the massage therapist was really reading my body reactions very well or if I was just hiding it all too well. Of course I could have said something to the person as they were working on me, but I did what my body had learned to do all of my life, just lay there and take it!
When I got home that night, I exclaimed to my partner that Ive had enough of that $?%#@ in my life, I dont need to go back and get abused again. Little did I know at that moment how true those words were but I could not own them at the time. Instead I became very depressed, sad and almost in tears while I contemplated that it would be much easier for me to end my life than to continue on with this. Fortunately I thought of my partner and others who would be severely affected if I chose to end my life and so I was brought back to reality. But these feelings of despair lasted for several days until I went to a trusted person who does Neuromuscular Therapy. He knew of some of my past but I told him about this most recent incident, just not in full detail. He worked on the area of my back that gave me problems and was careful to not do too much on it. When I walked out of there, it was like there had been an emotional as well as a pain release for me and my mood was much better than it had been all week.
I did make an appointment with my regular Counseling Therapist because I knew it was time to start talking through this instead of continuing to hide what was there. My body and my mind knew what was going on but there was no communication between them because I was way too afraid of what was behind all of this. As we began to dive into things during my therapy session, it was very clear that this pain was connected to an event with my abuser. There was a time that I was only 6 years old and we lived in a place that was in the country, far away from other people. I dont remember why this event started and knowing how my main abuser did things, I am sure there was no rational reason either. But I remember my abuser grabbing the side of my low back and hanging on to it with as much strength and pressure as he could only to use his other hand to continue slapping and punching me in my buttock and low back area. It went on for what seemed like an eternity and at some point, it was just like I didnt feel anything because the pain that was being inflicted continued and continued. From past experience, I knew that if I cried or said anything, the pain would only get worse. My abuser had taught us that to protest in any way meant much more and I think in my mind, it signaled to me that it could mean death as well since these punishments were very severe. I also knew though that the other alternative to protesting or crying or trying to run was that you could be disowned from the family or ostracized so to speak which basically meant you were dead to the family. So there were not many options for me but to stand there and take it like a man which is what I was taught all my life. And I cant help but say at this point, that this sucks.
It was amazing to me that as we talked about this in the session; the pain in my low back came back in full force. Not until the tears started, did the pain dissipate as I felt a sense of relief from this. At one point in the session, I remember feeling absolutely nothing and it was as if I was reliving that moment of abuse one last time.
My therapist also helped me to understand the connection between the deep and rigorous massage and the event that happened a long time ago. The strokes and speed that this massage therapist was using were so close to what was done to me as a child that my body saw it being the same thing. And so in the mind of a 6 year old, I used the skill that I had already learned and that was just taking it and in no way crying or protesting. I was just to take it like a man. So instead of asking the person to let up on the pressure or change what they were doing, I did none of that and to be honest the massage felt like it lasted an eternity, which is very abnormal for me. Most of the time when I get massages, the times flies by very quickly.
I also learned though that I do have the power now to say no that is too much pressure or please change what you are doing. I am no longer a 6 year old being abused and I do not have to endure this if it is not feeling right. Now I have a chance to speak up for the little boy who was hurt inside of me and say no, I dont want that. In addition to this, I am able to see that this type of healing in my life is on a much deeper level than anything I have ever done before.
I am a licensed massage therapist and one of the things that I always tell people before I begin is if there is any discomfort of any type as I am working, make sure you let me know. And yet, it is the one thing that I was not able to tell this person that was giving me the massage. The other thing that I think is very important is for a massage therapist to fully read the responses the body gives because in situations like I experienced, it is not always easy to speak the words; less pressure, slow down, please stop for a moment and yet this is very much needed.
I know from my reading, training and research that the body does hold memories of events whether it is abuse, a car crash, an old injury or any other trauma and that the body can store these things for a very long time. In my case, my body has many traumas stored in it and for me to do massage on others is a personal journey for myself as well to rid my own body of the memories which it holds from these traumatic events. I want to fully realize and understand what it means to live in my body and not just looking from the outside in. I want to claim all that is a part of me which I am doing as I journey into the world of massage.
After a massage last week where the massage therapist gave a massage that was very deep and rigorous, I felt much worse after the massage than before I went. This is the first time ever that I have felt this way after a massage and I didnt fully understand why that was. Of course I thanked the massage therapist, never letting on to them of how the massage felt to me. I do have my doubts if the massage therapist was really reading my body reactions very well or if I was just hiding it all too well. Of course I could have said something to the person as they were working on me, but I did what my body had learned to do all of my life, just lay there and take it!
When I got home that night, I exclaimed to my partner that Ive had enough of that $?%#@ in my life, I dont need to go back and get abused again. Little did I know at that moment how true those words were but I could not own them at the time. Instead I became very depressed, sad and almost in tears while I contemplated that it would be much easier for me to end my life than to continue on with this. Fortunately I thought of my partner and others who would be severely affected if I chose to end my life and so I was brought back to reality. But these feelings of despair lasted for several days until I went to a trusted person who does Neuromuscular Therapy. He knew of some of my past but I told him about this most recent incident, just not in full detail. He worked on the area of my back that gave me problems and was careful to not do too much on it. When I walked out of there, it was like there had been an emotional as well as a pain release for me and my mood was much better than it had been all week.
I did make an appointment with my regular Counseling Therapist because I knew it was time to start talking through this instead of continuing to hide what was there. My body and my mind knew what was going on but there was no communication between them because I was way too afraid of what was behind all of this. As we began to dive into things during my therapy session, it was very clear that this pain was connected to an event with my abuser. There was a time that I was only 6 years old and we lived in a place that was in the country, far away from other people. I dont remember why this event started and knowing how my main abuser did things, I am sure there was no rational reason either. But I remember my abuser grabbing the side of my low back and hanging on to it with as much strength and pressure as he could only to use his other hand to continue slapping and punching me in my buttock and low back area. It went on for what seemed like an eternity and at some point, it was just like I didnt feel anything because the pain that was being inflicted continued and continued. From past experience, I knew that if I cried or said anything, the pain would only get worse. My abuser had taught us that to protest in any way meant much more and I think in my mind, it signaled to me that it could mean death as well since these punishments were very severe. I also knew though that the other alternative to protesting or crying or trying to run was that you could be disowned from the family or ostracized so to speak which basically meant you were dead to the family. So there were not many options for me but to stand there and take it like a man which is what I was taught all my life. And I cant help but say at this point, that this sucks.
It was amazing to me that as we talked about this in the session; the pain in my low back came back in full force. Not until the tears started, did the pain dissipate as I felt a sense of relief from this. At one point in the session, I remember feeling absolutely nothing and it was as if I was reliving that moment of abuse one last time.
My therapist also helped me to understand the connection between the deep and rigorous massage and the event that happened a long time ago. The strokes and speed that this massage therapist was using were so close to what was done to me as a child that my body saw it being the same thing. And so in the mind of a 6 year old, I used the skill that I had already learned and that was just taking it and in no way crying or protesting. I was just to take it like a man. So instead of asking the person to let up on the pressure or change what they were doing, I did none of that and to be honest the massage felt like it lasted an eternity, which is very abnormal for me. Most of the time when I get massages, the times flies by very quickly.
I also learned though that I do have the power now to say no that is too much pressure or please change what you are doing. I am no longer a 6 year old being abused and I do not have to endure this if it is not feeling right. Now I have a chance to speak up for the little boy who was hurt inside of me and say no, I dont want that. In addition to this, I am able to see that this type of healing in my life is on a much deeper level than anything I have ever done before.
I am a licensed massage therapist and one of the things that I always tell people before I begin is if there is any discomfort of any type as I am working, make sure you let me know. And yet, it is the one thing that I was not able to tell this person that was giving me the massage. The other thing that I think is very important is for a massage therapist to fully read the responses the body gives because in situations like I experienced, it is not always easy to speak the words; less pressure, slow down, please stop for a moment and yet this is very much needed.
I know from my reading, training and research that the body does hold memories of events whether it is abuse, a car crash, an old injury or any other trauma and that the body can store these things for a very long time. In my case, my body has many traumas stored in it and for me to do massage on others is a personal journey for myself as well to rid my own body of the memories which it holds from these traumatic events. I want to fully realize and understand what it means to live in my body and not just looking from the outside in. I want to claim all that is a part of me which I am doing as I journey into the world of massage.