Loving someone is hard

[endlessjourney]

Ya meet someone your extremely fond of and you want to date them. The closer you get to them, the more scared you get of abuse and betrayal thanks to those who were supposed to love you as a child and turned around and screwed your life up. Last night I acted like a jerk to a girl I like because she was acting a little wierd. We all know women do that. Truth is, I was looking for an excuse to detach so I wouldn't get my heart crushed. I realized that the issue I mentioned is why I have a rough track record with women. I'll get close but I won't let myself love them because of the past (my abuse and past relationships gone sour). Then I thought, "Jason, Why not try loving someone for a change. Is that too much to ask?" I guess I am selfish for that. I'll let someone completely fall in love with me and then I just shrug them off to protect my own hide even when the potential is there. Any advice?

 

[andrew76]

Endless,

Been down that road just recently with someone i knew in my past but had not seen in many years feelings started all over again between the two of us but i detached myself to some extent even though we did have an intimate moment even though i still have feelings for this person i detached i think because of being hurt in the past as well even though i would take a bullet for this person if it came down to it.It is hard in the situation since we were hurt in our childhood we tend to take it into adulthood as well which causes more problems over time.

My advice don't screw what you have going for you because if you really care for the person and want to be with them then sooner or later you must be open with that person regardless of past even if it means getting hurt all over again at least you learn from the mistake but if you don't learn from the mistake then really where are you?

Think about that because you can fix the things your doing wrong which i am guilty of too detachment which takes time to learn to break.Be gentle with yourself but go after what you want otherwise it may slip through your fingers and you will never have what you wanted because you let it go believe me i am going thru that right now it is not easy to have to swallow it eats you alive when you go back and think about it especially if that other person tells you its your fault that they are moving on to someone else because you had the chance and let it go.

 

[Morning Star]

I'll let someone completely fall in love with me and then I just shrug them off to protect my own hide even when the potential is there.

Well this sounds like my life story, only I would go a step further, I stepped back just in time for love to sprout, at the slightest hint of hurt, I ran away. Eventually I got so frustrated by my feats of controlling my relationships that I gave up.

That is when my guide said, Forget about loving others, first learn to love yourself that is where all fears come from.

True, only when I learn to love myself authentically I can really love someone else, otherwise it would remain a game, of power and control.

 

[roadrunner]

Jason,

I think survivors have difficulty here because as boys we were made to feel abandoned and unwanted. Then we ask why was that? Answers: I am guilty, I am shameful, I don't deserve love, I am worthless, and so on endlessly.

So when we get into a relationship, the possibility of being abandoned or rejected at some point immediately raises fears of having all those feelings confirmed yet again. So we are fearful of the relationship, hesitate to commit to it, and may even torpedo it ourselves. That is, if we end it ourselves we can always say, well, it wasn't working, etc., rather than risk being rejected and all that would go with that.

I think Morning Star is so right here:

only when I learn to love myself authentically I can really love someone else, otherwise it would remain a game, of power and control.

Look at the good things you have done with your life Jason. Look at what you have to offer and what your potential is as a loving person. When awkward feelings come up, try to recognize them as indicating areas you need to work on, but don't fall into the trap of allowing yourself to be defined by these feelings.

Thinking "I have fears about relationships" is one thing, and so say we all, or so would say any caring person. But "I am a loser at relationships" is judgmental and really unfair to ourselves.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Born to Resist]

Jason,

Identify behaviorally what you tend to do to push or keep people away. What does the ideal "normal" behavior look like? Identify several in between steps of behavior. Then step by step adopt each behavior until you reach the one you want.

Example: If I was dating someone I liked I would purposly not call them for 5 days for the first 8 dates. Then reduce the numnber to 4 days and so on. Similar to yourself this was my mechanism to keep women away and not get hurt. I've pushed a lot of women away. After doing the above I'm at the point were I'll call them after 3 days for the first 4 dates, then 2 days until 8 dates and then go to every day.

Sounds anal retentive, Yes it is. But it's some illogical defensive mechanism that I slowly had to chip away at. You can only imagine the hundreds of others ... each step was/is hard becasue I feel vulnerable ... but if it puts me in a better place then I have to fight through it ...

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality