lostcowboy tells tales!

lostcowboy tells tales!
lostcowboy

lostcowboy

Registrant
Hello all, I am new to the board! You all know why I am here. But it turns out I am not ready to tell that tale yet. The tale about how I was RAPED at 11, and grew up to be a PARANOIA HOMOPHOBIC Straight Guy! No we are not going to tell that tale today, later but not today.
Let me say right out that Gay and Straight guys are welcome here. Just think of it as part of my self directed therapy. If it gets to be to much I will let you know.
 
My first tale is how I found this web site, or you had better believe that God works in mysterious ways!
I think the best way is to post the email that I sent to long time singer that I had never heard of before yesterday. Here is her Janis Ian She had some top ten songs in the 70's, she has some free mp3's. In my opinion she is a amazing Gay singer and is very open on her web site.

Dear Janis, I hope you don't mind me saying Dear its just how I am feeling right now! I have a warm fuzzy feeling for you in my heart. Tell your partner not to get Jealous its not that type of feeling.
Yesterday morning I did not know who you were. I was over at the Baen Free Library looking to see what was new and clicked on Prime Palaver #11, and it was all your story about the record companies and file swapping! I could not agree more! I then clicked on the link to your web site, found out all sorts of very interesting things about you like you like science fiction too I think I started with Tarzan in the 2ed grade, dad thought I would lose interest as there was no pictures. Ha!
I also found your forum, They seem to be a happy bunch! I don't know why, but I felt like posting a message with the subject line ( Rape! its going to get rough in here!) After about two or three hours of auguring with myself I did not, they were to happy I could not drag them down to what I was feeling, I went to bed instead. This morning I got on the internet and did a search on (Male Rape) I found this fact sheet Male Rape and this forum Public Forums MaleSurvivor.org
I don't know about the rest of the web site but the forum is very good! If you know of any male rape victims please send them that away.
Here is a web site about the first submarine I rode in the navy. USS THOMAS A. EDISON (SSBN/SSN-610) I think that science fiction writers have what life on space ships is going to be like all wrong, I think it is going to be like life on a boomer submarine. Thees ain't my stores, but I think you will like reading them, I rode the boat much later in 1976 on the gold crew. STORIES FROM DUTY ABOARD USS THOMAS A. EDISON (SSBN/SSN-610)
I got to stop this as it is getting long, and you need your sleep, Being on that world tour and all!
God bless you Janis
lostcowboy other wise known as Clifford.
 
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Hi Clifford,

Thanks for the clue in to the web site. I downloaded a couple of my favorites of Janis'.

Growing up in Odessa, Texas I was always the rebel and Janis Ian was one of my heroes.

It's good to hear about you and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

Welcome aboard, as they say, to this ship of survivors. And you know that I am sorry for what brought you to us, but I am glad that you found your way here.

Sexual abuse is a terrible thing, and the loneliness and isolation that it brings about in its wake makes it even more unbearable.

Breaking that wall of silence and saying what many people seem unwilling to hear is often the first step in overcoming what has happened to us.

Maybe we all become rebels too. Refusing to stuff down our feelings and live alone with our pain simply because much of society refuses to acknowledge the reality of male sexual abuse.

Glad to hear from you. Feel free to PM me if you like.

Welcome,
 
Hi Clifford,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I hate to admit this, but I, too, was homophobic for years. Hated gay dudes. Then my brother tells me that he is gay! Yeah, God works in mysterious ways...LOL.I am ashamed to admit this part of my feelings.

For the last 20 yrs, some of my best friends are gay. I met my brother's friends. I work with gays. I sail with gays. These are the nicest, and most fun guys and girls in the world to be around. I've also found they are a lot more caring and decent to humans than straights are. I've never seen a gay dude bashing straights, trying to get them fired, evicted, benefits denied to others, or telling others that they were going to hell because of who they loved.

I'm especially ashamed because some of my dearest friends in the world here are gay. I HATE admitting this to them, but I've changed and been changed for a long while.

I realized that my rape had nothing to do with the dude being gay or straight. It had to do with him being a perverse mutha f&*#er. There are as many, and actually statistics prove, more straight abusers than gay. I hated gays because of his actions on me physically. I hated them because he made me question my own sexuality by the things he did and said to me. I hated gays because of the way my physical body reacted to the things he did to me. But I realize now that all I hated was him...not gays. I hate sexual or physical abuse, period!

Man, Clifford, you opened a can of worms here..lol. Sorry about the raging.

You post what you want, whenever you feel comfortable with us, and post as much as you want. You'll know when and how much. It's all about YOU, brother. It's all about YOU healing from this abuse. But you'll find that along the way, it becomes about the rest of us healing, too. God, if I had the power, there would be no need for this site to even be here. We'd all be healed. Gotta go, gettign weepy and rambling.

Sorry guys if I have offended any of you, but trust me..I dont hate any of you. Im not a homophobe anymore...swear!
 
No apologies neccessary, far as I'm concerned. It's in conversations like these that we work through all of the junk that comes with our stories, and for many of us homophobia is included.

I went through a three year period in my twenties in which I just avoided all men in general -- I'm still prone to do that from time to time. At that point in my life I thought that what happened to me in early adolescence was what I deserved for my "impure" gay thoughts. Being gay came to mean being a violent perp, dying young, or both.

So, I figured the last thing I wanted to deal with is the possibility that I might be gay. I turned into the most homophobic, man-hating, basket-case I've ever seen. Kinda hard to be in the middle of all that, engaged to be married to your high-school sweetheart, suddenly re-visit all of the mess of your adolescence and come out. Kinda hard to figure out how to be in a room full of gay men, knowing you're one of them, and feeling deathly afraid of them all.

All this is to say, the worst homophobia I've ever expereinced is my own. If I felt that stuff so strongly, it seems no surprise to me that a straight guy surviving violence at the hand of a man would feel it too. Good points to remember about the lack of connection between sexual orientation and violent offenders have already been made, but our fears aren't much based in reason and statistics are they? Our fears are part of our survival strategies, and they work for awhile. The time comes to think examine and see if they're keepers or things to let go of.

Anyway, I that in your journey you find other men that can be with you along the path as your story unfolds and you move towards healing.

Peace,
Brian

PS- if you dig Janis Ian (as I do), you ought to check out Kate Campbell and Kristen Hall
 
Hi Guys, Please don't think ill of me, if I don't answer each of your replies separately.
About my homophobic, I have never hated gay guys, I have just been scared shit-less! So far on here it has been ok, but in person I think it would be a different story.
At first I thought I would keep all this in one message. but as it is getting long I think each tale should be separate.
 
Oh, I have figured out what triggers mean, yesterday I cried twice reading some of the massages. Saying Triggers is to give the readers fair warning. Sorry about not warning you guys! It worn't happen again.
 
Lost Cowboy. Hi I too was born and brought up in cattle country. On a beef ranch in southern Alberta to be exact.
I know where you are coming from. You know by now that you are in safe place amongts caring men and women. As a matter of fact the greatest bunch of people I have ever been involved with.

Here there is no prejudice whatsoever. We all walk the same road. Sometimes we offer a strong shoulder and other times a good swift kick in the butt (to be helpful). I have had it done to me as I am sure most of us have.

You never have to apologize for past behaviors or beliefs. That is what we are all about. Living life and not just watching it pass by.

Did you grow up on a ranch. I had a horse named Prince and he never had a bit in his mouth or a saddle on his back. I guess that is why I had to sleep during the summer in the barns. I smelled just like he did.
 
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