lostcowboy is welcoming all gay guys to hear my tales

[lostcowboy]

Hello all, I was Raped at 11, and grew up to be a Paranoid, Homophobic Straight Guy! I will be working on both problems at the same time. So you all are invited to hear my tales at https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=004609 My first tale is how I found this place. Other tales will be about my life, and how I became what I am. I will bounce around as the mood strikes me. Some tales you will laugh at some you will cry at, some will be ugly but necessary to say.

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi all, after that first message, I realized that I could not put all my tales in one thread, It would be much to long. So I guess that you will just have to keep a eye out for my name. I think several gay guys have responded to my tales, and I think you for that. I don't know for sure that It will help me but I thank you anyway.

Intelligently I know that the odds are 9 to 1 or higher that the guy who raped me was not gay. I also know that even If he was gay, I was not raped because he desired my body, but that it was a type of power thing. That's what the Rape books say anyway. It is hard to accept that, because the only thing that gives me a erection is being around someone I am attracted to. Unfortunately when you are raped you tend to latch on to things that you think explain what happened to you. If you are lucky you have told someone that you were raped, and can start getting help as soon as possible. I did not tell, and so I did not get any help.
The first thing I latched on to was the fact that I would hang out with the girls on the playground. To play with the boys, they always wanted to fight you first in order to get in the group, especially if you were new to the school, and I always was the new guy.
So I thought I got raped because I was to girlie's, and somehow the rapist thought I was a girl. It was not until I was in junior high that I learned the word homosexual and what it meant, a guy who liked other guys instead of girls. And so I latched on to that, now it made perfect since to me. Unfortunately I started being on the lookout for gay guys, any guy that behaved oddly got put in the (I think he's gay category) and I would avoid him. I don't know how to correct this behavior. The last time I tried, It was one on one with a gay guy in person, and it ended badly, with me having a gay affair with the man. I am trying to write that tale, but have been hitting snags. So it will take longer than I thought. Even though I had the affair I still think of myself as straight. I guess that's why I am hitting the snags, who would believe such a thing. I think I will end this now. Wish I could still drink! I need a few about now!

Edited: to add the link for my tale about the affair with the gay man.
https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=43;t=000020

 

[dwf]

Hey lostcowboy,

You said at the end of your tale:

who would believe such a thing

Well, I would, for one.

I am a gay man and have been for many years. And for many years I have tried to figure out, decipher, interpret, understand, explain and generally get a grip on the problems I was having with my sex.

And part of the problem was having sex with "straight" men.....ok, I never understood that part either.

But since I became aware of the nature of the sexual abuse that I was subjected to and began to actively pursue a path of recovering from the effects of the abuse, many of those long standing, resistant to analysis problems have gone away.

It was like pulling a weed, but just having the top part break off in my hand. The weed just comes back bigger and stronger and more deceptive looking. But under that tiny plant on the surface, the root of the problem, the effects of the abuse, just kept getting bigger and bigger.

All my surface solutions did was just make me look a little better on the outside. Inside I was still dying.

Once it got bad enough and I HAD to seek professional help, the therapist very quickly identified the root of many of my problems as being in the sexual abuse. I mean, in like two minutes, he was onto it. Smart guy.

So yeah, I believe. And I'm glad you have made it here to tell your story. So many guys don't make it here, and many don't make it at all.

And as for drinking, well, I just tell people, "I think I've had enough!"

Thanks for sharing yourself,

 

[lostcowboy]

Pulling weeds, I like that. From my navy background, I view the SA as a anchor in your soul. The only way to get that anchor out is by talking about it. The longer you are silent the bigger that anchor gets and the harder you have to pull to get it out.

I am glad you found a good therapist. The experience I had with the navy was not that good. Its a long story so I will leave it for now.

When I decided to post on this site, I made a commitment to be as honest as I can. I am glad you were honest, and say that you had (sex with "straight" men..... ).
I have to be honest and say it did disturb me a little bit. Not bad, more like a guard dog that opens his eye's when a stranger is at the gate.

I have to end this for now the thunderstorms are almost here. Supposed to have some Strong winds.

 

[lostcowboy]

Danny! I hope I did not hurt your feelings! That was not my intent!

 

[dwf]

Hey 'Cowboy,

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Thanks for the message and your concern.

Isn't this a wonderful place to share our thoughts and feelings?

I hope I did not hurt your feelings!

Please do not worry. My feelings did not get hurt.

I was writing about "sex with 'straight men'" as a way of illustrating my insanity resulting from the sexual abuse.

Seeking commitment, security and love from men who were unable or unwilling to give it over and over again is one way I manifested the abuse dynamic in my life, over and over again.

Today, one day at a time, that's no longer how I operate. If a guy is confused, bi-, married, mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive or in any other state which I choose to not have in my life, I take special care NOT to allow thoughts of sexual intimacy to occur. And if they do, I have many ways of effectively dealing with them, so that I do not act out on them.

With a lot of help, one day at a time, I am more likely to recoil from situations harmful to me whereas before I moved toward them.

Recovery is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Glad we can exchange ideas such as this. I find it very helpful. Thank you for your sharing.

Have a wonderful TurkeyDay.

Regards,

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Danny,we went out and ate with friends today.

Thanks for coming back with more details, it helps.

I finished my Ug the caveman tale, I guess Ken came by and grabbed it and put it in the Sexual Identity forum, that's ok as he left a link here so people can find it.

I like exchanging ideas, and seeing things from someone's view point. I may not agree with them, but it can cause me to reevaluate my own ideas.

You were talking about one day at a time, here is a saying from the 70's, not sure I have it exactly right.

Today, is the first day of the rest of your life. May all your days be good ones.

I hope you have had a good turkey day also.

 

[MikeInFlorida]

Hiya Lost, and Danny,

You mind if I cut in? I too was always the new kid in school , because I pedifile step father kept moving us around attempting to avold paying chid support to an ex-wife. I will never forget my first day day in school up in Tennessee. The teacher said that I could choose anyone that I wanted to show my around the school my first day. I ended up choosing this boy who stuck his had down the back of my pants. So Lost it was possaible to have a pleasurable expierience with being the new kid in class.

Mike

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Mike, feel free to take a load off your feet and pull up a chair.

I ended up choosing this boy who stuck his hand down the back of my pants. So Lost it was possible to have a pleasurable experience with being the new kid in class.

I guess it depends on which side of the fence you are on. I know for me, by the time he got one finger down my pants, I would have been going away from him as fast as my legs would carry me.

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi all, I haven't posted for a while. My wife's heath is not to good and has been taking up all my time. She fell on the 6 of DEC, and her health declined so fast that by the 21 of DEC, I had to carry her to the doctor, and the hospital. She stayed 10 days, got out on the 31 of DEC. I think they should have kept her another 5 days, just to build her strength up some more. I had to carry her back into the trailer! Her strength has continued to improve these last two days. I have heard from two different people that Medicare will only let you stay in the hospital for 10 days straight, If I find out that is true, I will be writing my congressmen about it!

About SoCalMarc, As some of you know, I tend to be Paranoia when it comes to gay guys. I don't know for sure how to solve that, but I think making friends with gay guys is a step in the right direction. Being that SoCalMarc was one of several gay guys that I have been thinking about becoming friends with, the shit that went down did upset my plans some what. I still think I am on the right track, but I will just take it slower. It is always best not to rush into friendship.

 

[dwf]

Hey lostcowboy,

I am so sorry to hear about your wifes health problems! I am saying a prayer for her quick recovery. The image you created of carrying her into the house was really so touching and filled with love, I am very moved.

You have shown a lot of compassion here with our MS family too, and so I am glad to have you back.

As for the other business, you know those who seek to hoodwink, trick or abuse us, are VERY good at what they do--the lying, cheating, manipulating etc.

Adn somehow, I end up thinking that it is because I failed somehow, like I should have known better. But really the abusers/liars take advantage of our best human qualities--our trust, our faith, and our need for human connections.

I try to keep this in mind when I run across another one of those sick individuals who seem to have to hurt others to make themselves feel better.

So try not to feel too down on yourself for your assessment of the situation here. This particularly sick person had lots and lots of people fooled.

I think that the big lesson for me was that it was in our group efforts and action that the whole situation was finally resolved in a way that protected us all. There is safety and recovery in numbers.

Welcome back, and best wishes for the New Year for you and your family.

Regards,

 

[lostcowboy]

Surface, surface, surface, blow all main ballast tanks. I just thought I would pop this to the top for jasper, lol. While I may not respond to messages on this forum, very often I do read them, matter of fact I read most of the messages on all the public forums.

Also, I thought I would give a quick status report. I think I am doing better than I was when I first arrived here. Yes, sometimes my paranoia homophobic did rear its ugly head. But I was able to get control of it mostly by talking about it. My one regret about talking about it is when I sent a pm to one of the members, telling him about it, and asking his permission to talk about it. He left the site, at least I think that is why he left. I did not use his name. But he has not been back, He still has a unread pm from me. I wish he would come back to read it, that way I would know he was all right.

About the wife, her hearth is about back to what it was before she went into the hospital. While that is good I wish it would improve some more.

Well, I got to go get a little sleep.

 

Thanks, Lostcowboy!

I'm glad you popped this to the top. Someday maybe someone will explain to me what happened with that person who was here but is no more. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to mention his name so I won't. But a few us us newer guys have wondered what that was all about.

Anyhow, I am so glad that your wife is doing better. And I'm glad to see you posting here.

All the best to you!

Jasper

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Jasper, sorry about taking so long to get back to you I got side tracked for a while. I am glad you did not mention the name. Danny knows all about this, you can check with him, to see if this guy left any messages. As far as what I wrote. You can read it here. https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005012#000000

 

Hi LostCowboy:

I was able to read some of your postings from before. They are very moving. Very triggering sometimes. But they give me a better sense of who you are. For that reason, I promise I will try to go back and read more.

But first, do you mind if I share with you a story? I'm not sure why I want to tell you this. It just seems to fit somehow.

Many years ago, when I lived in California, I knew a wonderful woman from Macau. Actually, two women from Macau (the former Portugese colony off the coast of China). Anyhow they lived in many places including Hong Kong and Brazil. Then my friend came to America. And we all ended up working at the same place. Which is how I knew them.

She was several decades older than me and she liked me to call her "auntie" in the Chinese custom. Well, "Auntie" spoiled me with her fabulous cooking. And I loved to hear her stories of exotic places all around the world.

But there was a side to her that had also been very hurt. A side which had been deeply wounded by some of the people she met along the way. This happened before I knew her, when she first came to America. Apparently her first few friends in America treated her very badly. So even though we liked each other, she was always suspicious of me, afraid that I too was going to treat her wrong. In fact, she often complained to me about "all you Americans" (not even realizing sometimes that she was lumping me into one group).

Well, I thought the world of this woman. But sooner or later, I guess I was bound to say something to cause her offense. And that's what happened. She simply stopped calling me. And I didn't have the energy to try and figure it out any longer. What did I say? What did I do wrong? To this day, I don't know. But whatever it was, I surely didn't mean to injure her feelings. And it's sad because by now she probably passed away, still blaming all the Americans for their thoughtlessness.

What's the moral of this story? When we lump people together for any reason, we don't see the people any more. All we see is one big lump.

So my friend didn't understand that. She didn't understand that Americans were as different as can be. And when I was younger, I didn't understand either that not all men were the same. It was silly when I would lump all straight men together and be afraid of them. Or even to lump all gay men together and think just because we're gay we should have a lot in common. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don't.

My physical and sexual abuse was at the hands of an older brother who was straight. Sick, twisted, but straight. His desire was only to humiliate me in the worst ways imaginable. And, I'm afraid he found them.

So I guess I'm saying it would be easy to say all straight men are dogs. But they are not. As I am discovering here, some straight men can be really good friends. Like my friend Larry.

But straight or gay, guys are wonderful, dumb, insensitive, sh*theads, cruel, nasty, gentle, etc.

People are people, LostCowboy. And I don't blame you one bit for hating the people who abused you over the years.

But I'm just one man, one gay man, struggling to come to terms with my sexual abuse, same as everyone else.

And I am very glad you are posting here!

Take care,

Jasper

 

[lostcowboy]

Well this sucks! I got to admit to you guys that I am not doing as good with my paranoia homophobic feelings as I thought I was doing. Not on here, but in real life. Here is what happened, My wife is filipino, one of her friends called on saturday, saying that she and a friend were bringing some food over. This friend had mentioned to me previously that she had a gay friend. So just as soon as he got out of the car, I was pretty sure this was the guy. Now they came over to visit my wife, normally when Filipinos get together they will switch to their own language and talk away. This time they stayed in English, and most of the conversation was between him and me, he was all interested in my immediate family. He also wanted to check out my computer, and offered me a monitor that he was not using any more.

To help you guys understand this, I haven't talked about this but my wife is about twenty eight years older than me, and I haven't had sex with her in about twelve years. Also about three weeks before this I had talked to my wife's friend about being molested as a kid. So this is where the paranoia homophobic feelings come in. I am thinking that she is trying to determine if I am gay, by having her friend check me out. Why she would want to do this I don't know but that is my feeling.

 

Hi LostCowboy:

When I lived in San Francisco, I was blessed to know many Filipinos. They are some of the nicest, most generous, most loving people on the planet. They also don't have a lot of the cultural hangups that we have. Men, for example, might put their arms around another guy or stand closer than we are sometimes comfortable with over here. It is very easy to misread this and think that somehow they are sending out "gay signals." It's simply not true. They just have a more relaxed attitude in some respects than we do. At least about body language. So if you were picking up "gay vibes," it might have just been a cultural thing having nothing to do with homosexualilty.

Also, I've known many Filipinos who like to speak Tagalog when they get together. But there are others who like to speak English, so as not to be rude when other English speakers are around.

No offense but it sounds like you are reading way too much into this situation. But I understand why you might feel that way. Like I said, even as a gay man I sometimes found myself misinterpreting certain gestures by Filipino men. And it took me a long time to realize they weren't flirting, they were just being themselves, the way they are in their culture.

Does that make sense?

Jasper

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi jasper yes all that does make sense, but I have been around my wife's male Filipino relatives and have not had this flight reaction. The last time I had it was with the gay guy That I had the affair with in 1994. In that case I felt that the guy was hitting on me. In this case, I was not getting a feeling of hitting on me, as a feeling like he was trying to determine if I was or was not gay. It's ok to call me crazy. So far he has not done any other contact, with me or the wife.
The next time I see my wife's friend, I'll get her alone and I will ask her if that was her gay friend.

As a by the way, about two months ago when I saw and talked to my old friend from high school, the child molester, I found out he was gay. With all that going on you would have thought I would be tripping off line, but no, I had none of these type of feeling around him.

Anyway, I am just pissed at my self for having the flight reaction.

 

The next time I see my wife's friend, I'll get her alone and I will ask her if that was her gay friend.

Hey Lost Cowboy:

Don't be pissed at yourself for having that flight reaction. It may well be that you were getting that reacton for a reason. After all, you were the one there--not me. And who knows? It IS possible that your wife was trying to "test you."

I don't know how the communication with your wife is. So I don't know if it's a good idea to just sit her down and ask her. If she is very traditional Filipino, she might be totally uncomfortable with any conversation about sex, let alone homosexuality. So yes, talk to her woman friend.

I think it's important for the people in your life to understand that being raped does not make you gay. And likewise, child molesters are not gay--they are child molesters. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I am 100 percent gay. Did I ever experiment with heterosexuality? Yes, a few times when I was a young man, I did. I was curious. And it sounds like at an earlier period in your life, you experimented with gay sex. But you're straight. I'm gay. I respect you and you respect me.

But neither one of us has ever had any interest whatsoever in a child. People who do are evil, sick, criminals, bastards--take your pick. But they are not homosexual or heterosexual in my book. There's a world of difference between having a healthy, adult relationship (male or female) and screwing with a child's body and mind.

Okay, I'll get down off my soap box.

Take care,

Jasper

P.S. Some of the best cooking I ever tasted is Filipino. In fact, we used to love having office parties where everyone brought a dish from home because the Filipino women made fabulous things. Know what I mean?

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Jasper, it's ok that you got up on your soap box. I want it understood very clearly that I did not mean to imply that gay and child molester went together. Please understand that!

It IS possible that your wife was trying to "test you."

No, I don't think so. But I would not put it passed her friend.

So yes, talk to her woman friend.

I talked to her, very briefly this Sunday, she did say that was her gay friend. I did not have time to ask if there was anything behind it.

A thought, it may be that I had the reaction, just because he was a gay man that was a stranger. The reason I say that is I gathered up my courage today and called my old friend, and went out for coffee and had another long talk, still no alarms went off.