Lost

Lost
M

Malidin41

Registrant
Why do I feel so alone? Why can't I gain some kind of ground? Why does it seem that just when I find something that I want to do all I do is run into closed doors? Whats the point? Where is the glorious light at the end of the tunnel I hear everyone talking about? Why do I feel so worthless and unwanted? Why do I feel I should not post this and waste everyones time? Why can't I just once feel as if I have a right to just be? Where am I? Who am I? What am I? God I hate this terrable lonely distroying confusion. Where are you God? Why wont you help me? What have I done to aquire such loneliness? I hate. I fear. I cry in silence.
 
Malidin41-

Your post is really complex! Loneliness may feel simple BUT it is complex. I've been in that spot too! I felt hopeless, helpless (like when I was abused). I felt everyone was healing but me and I was left out (like when I felt I was damaged goods, maybe so damaged I may never be 'right'). I felt no one cared or would even bother that I hurt so much (like when I tried twice to tell about my abuse but my parents beat me each time calling me names and threatening me). After a while, I could begin to hook up the way I felt within to the way my abusers, parents and others made me feel as I grew up. Feelings are good because even the negative ones give us what our body tells us about now AND should point us in a direction to move out of them. "Tell me what I CAN DO not WHAT I CAN'T".

I found when I got really deep down "messed up" I had to journal because "If I don't talk it out (with someone or on paper) then I will act it out". This only dug a deeper hole if I did not get my feelings out.

I found when I got deep down "messed up" I had to call a trusted friend; call a reach-out helpline; listened to uplifting music; wrote a letter to a friend; went on the web-site - anything to get out from where I was inside.

Notice, I used "I had to" because I am in charge of where I am and how I choose to handle my situation, I had to "listen to my body" and be honest with what it was telling me. Then apply my plan. I hope you do have a pre-planned way to deal with this loneliness? Those of us healing and recovering will have "days like this" or longer if there is no pre-planned way to respond when loneliness and depression hit.

Hope this helps, Malidin! Don't give up, I've had to walk through those deep waters AND yes!! there is a light at the end of a tunnel for those who keep keeping on.

Howard
 
Malidin 41, you ask excellent questions. It could be an outline for a good article. But your pain is evident and I hate that.

The effects of CSA are very broad indeed. There are many of them and many of us have lots and lots of effects that are traced to the abuse.

Don't try to go after all the problems at the same time. That would just overwhelm. But bit by bit you will get your own answers to each of your questions.

Bob
 
Malidin,

I know the pain you're going through. We all do.

As silly as I felt at the thought of using positive affirmations, they really work.

Don't get sad, get angry. Tell yourself the good things about yourself. Tell yourself that you won't give up. Tell yourself that you won't let what was done to you win. Tell yourself that you are better than that and you DESERVE to be happy!

I've also foud that looking in a mirror while saying it helps.
 
Malidin,

You are still new with this. You are still new here even. The answers are here, the answers are there. They are within you. I think that one of the problems is, when first we are dealing with all this, there is so much swirling in our heads, it is hard to even ask ourselves things, let alone to answer them. Over time, you will find answers to some of your questions. Some are not meant to be answered, or can't be. Learning to accept that fact is another part of the healing process. You are doing well, and you are strong. Please take good care of yourself, and be patient with your process.

Leosha
 
mauldin,

i am sorry you are feeling this way. i too, am lonely, depressed, worried about "why me?" and why am i like i am?

as mentioned above, that is some of "what we are" or symptoms of our suffering. we were victims and taken advantage of. we suffer. it was not our fault but we have to deal with the aftermath.

i can't help much but i am seeing a "t" and a med doc. i am on zoloft and clonzepan and that has helped some. just two and three months ago, i had shitty all days. now i just have shitty parts of my days but not all days.

one neat acronym my "t" shared with me that i think she may have got from 12 step programs for me to work on my non-worthy-ness, depression, lack of knowing where god is and all the anxiety and sadness was the word H.A.L.T.

Essentially it is to work on myself to make sure I am not HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY,or TIRED. Well, I was all and could only work on one at a time.

I started to first work on eating - i forced myself to eat after i had lost like 30 lbs. Have not gained it back but quit loosing weight.

Then my sleep. I had to go to the doc and get sleeping pills. Do not take all the time but I was getting sometimes 2 to 4 hours a night. The bags on my eyes, the yawning, and tired ness added to my crap.

The anger is less when i am not so tired. The lonelyness , i am still lonely, do not like to be by myself, have to work on liking me and knowing I am worthy . I go on line here, call someone sometimes, i still have a hell of a way to go here.

so all in all, i am not well but am better. the lonelyness, guilt, and pain is a lot. I am though, a hell of a lot better with sleeping.
eating, and also trying to do things that "do not cause me pain" and avoid triggers all i can.

i know i kind of jumped all over, but you are not alone. we are here right with you.

i hope you have some peace today or at least a part of a day.

sincerely, guy
 
Malidin
That list of yours is a list of powerful emotions, normal emotions as well.

I found that when I started healing all these emotions flooded to the surface and overwhelmed me at times, and I couldn't figure out why.
But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and now I can see that these emotions were always with me, I had them all my life. But the abuse and it's effects seemed to be stronger, and overpowered those emotions, and when I started to deal with the abuse there they were - larger than life.

I have changed my life in some respects since I started healing, but the basics remain the same. I'm still married, I work in the same job, my family and friends remain largely unchanged.
And I remember about 3 to 4 years back feeling just like you do, lonely, scared and confused.
I believe that I was just experiencing these emotions in a new light, I still have them - but I now understand them a lot better.

Don't give up Malidin, make the emotions work for you.

Dave
 
Hey guys, just a suggestion here! I had the most marvelous breakthroughs in the emotions/feeling area attending Mike Lew's "Leaping Upon the Mountain". The sharing and openness of the brothers there reminded me of "you're not alone" and if you open your mind and heart and reach out - there are brothers who will respond! Just an idea if you get a chance!

Howard
 
Thank you all for your sincerity and the great advice to help. You all are wonderful people and I am extreamly thankful that this board is hear. I have felt alone for so long but now I know that I am not. Back when my abuse was coming to an end at the age of nine I was questioned by investigators about what my brother had done. At first I told them that I was involved, that he had done those things to me. But then I began to see that my brother was getting into allot of trouble so I called the investigators and told them that he did not do those things. I do not know why I did that I guess it was because I loved him and did not want to see him get in trouble. From that point on I just lived in silence and never spoke of it, untill I was 13. The nightmeres became unbearable and the depression was overwhelming so I finally came out and told my parents. Here in Utah the morman religion is very strong and at this time of my telling my brother was on a mission. Everyone viewed him as being kind and uncapable of harm so therefor I was not believed even my mother was skeptical. I was in therapy at the time and decided to tell my thrapist about what my brother had done. The therapist just changed the subject. So because of the feeling of the topic being unimportant I quit talking about it. I changed therapists at the age of 15 and brought up the subject again but still ran into closed doors. Then at the age of 15 once again I changed therapists but by this time I had done some things that was imperitive to deal with at the time and had to take care of that first. When I got done taking care of those issues I brought up my abuse again thinking that it might be impotant now. This time the therapist seemed interested at the time but shortly after my 18th birthday approximatly three weeks after telling my therapist about my abuse he told me that I was done with therapy and needed to move on with my life. I was devistated and wished I could just die I did not know what to do. I had so much anger, confusion, hurt and multiple other feelings built up inside me and no one to talk to about it. Once again I just bottled it up and tryed to forget about the past. By the time I was 22 I came to realize that if I did not do something to take care of the past that I would not survive for very long. Thats when I went and bought the book Abused Boys the neglected vicims of sexual abuse. After reading that I contacted Mic Hunter by e-mail to plead for help. He responded back giving me information to a local therapist that specializes with abuse issues. I have been seeing that therapist now for almost a year and things are going incredably well. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for guiding me to him. If it was not for this therapist I would still be living in silece believing that I am alone and unwanted. I would not have this wonderful board to come to and I would still be lost through out each day. I just want to thank you all again for your support and guidence.
 
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