lost that lovin feeling...(long, trigger)

[phoster]

Im new here, and I guess I just need a place to vent and talk. My wife and I have been together for nine-years, and married for four of those. We have a two and a half year old that I love dearly, and a 12 year old that is my stepson. We started dating about six months after my ex and I separated after my ex fell in love with her boss and cheated on me. I thought dating again would help me get over the first, so I started dating my wife. I didnt intend to get serious, but we just kept going, and before long were living together.

About six years ago, I changed jobs to this one where I had Internet access. I got into porn and cybering pretty heavy. Eventually she found out, and was very upset. She looked at it as cheating, which I knew because she had told me that. I just rationalized my way into it by telling myself it was only words, and it wasnt like me and this other woman were actually meeting or anything. My wife threatened to leave, and only stayed when I promised to get help.

I joined a sexual addiction support group and an online program called PRIDE. During the workshop, I uncovered memories I had buried of being abused as a kid. As I worked on one of the exercises it triggered the memories, and within days it all came back. My recovery began to focus on the sexual abuse, and I went to a therapist. Needless to say, I have changed a lot over that time, or I feel I have.

My wife evolved too, and began focusing more on her faith. We were pretty open sexually at first, but she felt convicted over a lot of the things we were doing. Over night my very open, adventuresome lover became very ordinary. I kept telling myself that sex shouldnt be that important, and that I had a great life. I was trying to deny myself the outlandish sexual acts I enjoyed for her sake.

We have never communicated well. She is a very strong personality, perhaps even a mother figure for me, and she intimidates the hell out of me. I have really worked hard to force myself to speak out and share my feelings. Over the past four years, I can think of at least five times I have asked her to work on our intimacy with me. Each time things continued on like they were, and we wouldnt talk about it until I was so totally miserable again that I would bring it up.

My recovery helped me to understand that what was missing in my life was affection and intimacy. I was using sex to fill that hole in my life, but what I was actually after was attention, physical affection and support. My wife proved to be more independent, and my efforts were too clingy for her. Needless to say, I always seemed to end up in pain, feeling very alone and isolated.

Through my support group I have gotten to know a woman like me. Our lives and way of thinking is so alike it is unreal. It is like we have been taken out of one mold, even down to the sexual things we like. I have worked hard to accept my sexuality. Unfortunately, to my wife, my sexuality is sinful and nasty. All my life, as I repressed what I liked and wanted, I dreamed of finding a woman like me. I guess I feel I have, and I am very interested in seeing where it leads.
I talked to my wife a couple weeks ago, and told her how alone I felt. I told her how I needed more affection and attention, and how it felt like I was always the one who initiated any intimacy at all. I even offered to move out if she wanted me to.

She was mad at first, but we eventually talked more, and I can really tell she is trying now. The only problem is that I just dont feel it any more. When we are together, it is like being intimate with my sister or something. I guess Ive lost that loving feeling, and though I am trying, I just dont want to be with her any more. It feels so selfish and wrong, and when I think of walking out on my baby, it just kills me. I can never have another son, and I love the little dude with all my heart. I know leaving is the right thing for me as a person, but it still feels selfish and wrong emotionally. I dont have a question as such, just thought I would share and listen to everyones feedback. Im trying to decide what to do now, and I guess Im willing to listen to any suggestions anyone has.

Thanks for listening

 

[SAR]

Hey phoster,

You're not new to me, in fact I'm glad to see you back.

If my questions are too personal you don't have to answer them. In fact I fear my opinions on this will be unpopular. I've always thought a lot of you and your posts, so please don't take what I'm saying as an attack.

Your wife must still love you and value your shared life very much if she's agreed to try and give you what you need now-- she must have had to swallow an awful lot of pride and feelings of inadequacy to hear how she wasn't meeting your needs, as well as a lot of hurt and fear (since you went outside the relationship to get those needs met previously).

But if you're focused on someone else, you're never going to know how hard she's really trying or whether or not your love can return. It looks to me like you're putting your wife through a pretty unfair test right now-- you expect her to keep trying hard to meet your needs, but your focus is not even on her ability to do that-- it's on this other woman, whose connection to you is partially based on your wife's INABILITY to meet your needs. As long as you want to be attached to this other woman, you have an interest in seeing that your wife fails.

You can rationalize your attachment to another woman because your wife hasn't been meeting your needs, but if your wife were suddenly able to meet every need you had, would your attraction to this woman go away? What exactly would your wife have to do to make you happy with her and only her? If you can't think of anything, maybe that has as much to do with you and your attachment to this woman as it does with your wife and the realities of your marriage.

What have you done to help your wife meet your needs now that she's newly willing to try? It always takes two. What difficulties could you help her overcome in meeting your needs? You've shared your expectations where your wife is concerned-- you'd like her to meet your needs for intimacy and affection-- but what expectations does she have of you, where her pain over your infidelity is involved? When you say "She saw it as cheating" it makes me wonder if you still don't think it was so bad, or your wife still feels that you're rationalizing your acting out instead of accepting how it's hurt her. I know it's very difficult for me to feel safe enough to open up and enjoy sex when I feel "unheard" in other parts of our life. Also, if your wife senses or knows that your thoughts are with another woman RIGHT NOW, it's probably pretty dehumanizing to her to try and be open-minded and enjoy herself in bed with you.

The bottom line is, you'll never be able to appreciate or know what your wife is willing to do for you now until you open your eyes and heart to your relationship with her. And if you feel unable to do that, it should be because of your relationship with her, not because of an imagined relationship with someone else. Most importantly, if this marriage is really over in your heart, you owe it to her, and yourself, and your son, to let her go, instead of stringing her along in a struggle to do the impossible for you.

 

[dwf]

Hello phoster,

Your candor is very admirable and I am sure that coming here and opening up about your feelings was not an easy thing to do.

But I do believe that you are right to air these issues out in a neutral forum like this in order to get a better perspective on what is going on.

My first response to what you have shared is to say that it seems like you are repeating the same behavior that characterized your current marriage. By that I mean, that you are busy starting a new relationship before bringing your current one to some sort of resolution. Just as your started this relationship while your previous marriage was ending.

It makes me wonder if the real problem is not with your wife but perhaps your inability to live alone and be content with your own life.

My own experience was somewhat similar to yours in that I would always prepare the 'landing' spot before I bailed out on my relationship. My partners also considered this 'preparation for landing' as cheating too--like your wife.

I think that SAR is right in that you will never know if your marriage could be saved as long as you have already left in your mind.

My suggestion, which will seem harsh perhaps, would be that you discontinue your new relationship, focus on your marriage--either renewing it or constructively disengaging from it.

In either case, your attention is needed by your family during this transition period. It seems to me that you are doing yourself an injustice by not concentrating your efforts on the present situation--whether you are going or staying--instead of jumping ahead into the future with a 'possible' new partner.

What would you think of resolving this relationship with your wife, one way or another, and in either case, not engaging in another relationship, let's say for 6 months or a year?

Do you think that you deserve that kind of space and time to heal and grieve what you will surely feel as a loss?

The other point I would make has to do with the nature of therapeutic relationships. You mention that you and your new friend met through some kind of recovery work.

I would caution you against acting too soon on the feelings you have, because in therapy and other types of relationships like that it is very easy for a sort of 'false intimacy' to develop.

The world of recovery and therapy is different from our ordinary day to day lives--it's that way by design. And there is a totally UNIVERSAL taboo against falling in love, starting relationships based solely on experiences in treatment or recovery.

If you think about it, there must be some good reasons for that. You both are there to get better, to recover. It follows then that you are also both somewhat ill, mentally, spiritually or psychologically as a result of the abuse you suffered. There is a saying in AA recovery circles that talks about "falling in sick" as opposed to "falling in love."

I know from my own experience that when my path gets tough, it is so easy for me to start to focus on another person (it usually seems like love or lust) as a way to escape some really hard going I must do.

Please know that I do not mean to suggest that you are somehow guilty of anything that I am talking about here. These are just some of my experiences and thoughts related to what is happening in your life.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you will give yourself time to adjust, digest and grow as a result of your decisions. Rushing into one relatiionship before the last one is even over strikes me as a big red flag, signalling a need to stop and reconsider.

I have had to consider what I have to bring to a relationship as opposed to what I could expect to get from my partner. It is a totally different perspective for me and it is taking some getting used to.

Personally I feel that my ways of relating to others in intimate relationships were severely affected by the sexual abuse. In many ways it led me to mimic the sort of 'what have you done for me lately', exploitative behavior that characterized the abusers actions toward me.

I am not proud to say this, but by admitting it I have been able to grow beyond it.

Once again, you have my admiration for your honesty and forthrightness in bringing this subject here. I am sure that the issues you bring up will resonate with many of us here. Your willingness to address this situatiion here will surely be of great assistance to others struggling with the same problems.

I would ask you, for your own sake, to take it easy. Relax, take some deep breaths, focus on ways to soothe and comfort yourself without using other people to do it.

Take good care of yourself; eat well, get plenty of rest, do things that you enjoy and you will be in a good frame of mind to tackle the difficulties that may lie ahead.

Hope you will find something in my remarks that may be helpful to you. If not, then please disregard them.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It's good to have you back.

Regards,