lost that lovin feeling...(long, trigger)

lost that lovin feeling...(long, trigger)
P

phoster

Registrant
Im new here, and I guess I just need a place to vent and talk. My wife and I have been together for nine-years, and married for four of those. We have a two and a half year old that I love dearly, and a 12 year old that is my stepson. We started dating about six months after my ex and I separated after my ex fell in love with her boss and cheated on me. I thought dating again would help me get over the first, so I started dating my wife. I didnt intend to get serious, but we just kept going, and before long were living together.

About six years ago, I changed jobs to this one where I had Internet access. I got into porn and cybering pretty heavy. Eventually she found out, and was very upset. She looked at it as cheating, which I knew because she had told me that. I just rationalized my way into it by telling myself it was only words, and it wasnt like me and this other woman were actually meeting or anything. My wife threatened to leave, and only stayed when I promised to get help.

I joined a sexual addiction support group and an online program called PRIDE. During the workshop, I uncovered memories I had buried of being abused as a kid. As I worked on one of the exercises it triggered the memories, and within days it all came back. My recovery began to focus on the sexual abuse, and I went to a therapist. Needless to say, I have changed a lot over that time, or I feel I have.

My wife evolved too, and began focusing more on her faith. We were pretty open sexually at first, but she felt convicted over a lot of the things we were doing. Over night my very open, adventuresome lover became very ordinary. I kept telling myself that sex shouldnt be that important, and that I had a great life. I was trying to deny myself the outlandish sexual acts I enjoyed for her sake.

We have never communicated well. She is a very strong personality, perhaps even a mother figure for me, and she intimidates the hell out of me. I have really worked hard to force myself to speak out and share my feelings. Over the past four years, I can think of at least five times I have asked her to work on our intimacy with me. Each time things continued on like they were, and we wouldnt talk about it until I was so totally miserable again that I would bring it up.

My recovery helped me to understand that what was missing in my life was affection and intimacy. I was using sex to fill that hole in my life, but what I was actually after was attention, physical affection and support. My wife proved to be more independent, and my efforts were too clingy for her. Needless to say, I always seemed to end up in pain, feeling very alone and isolated.

Through my support group I have gotten to know a woman like me. Our lives and way of thinking is so alike it is unreal. It is like we have been taken out of one mold, even down to the sexual things we like. I have worked hard to accept my sexuality. Unfortunately, to my wife, my sexuality is sinful and nasty. All my life, as I repressed what I liked and wanted, I dreamed of finding a woman like me. I guess I feel I have, and I am very interested in seeing where it leads.
I talked to my wife a couple weeks ago, and told her how alone I felt. I told her how I needed more affection and attention, and how it felt like I was always the one who initiated any intimacy at all. I even offered to move out if she wanted me to.

She was mad at first, but we eventually talked more, and I can really tell she is trying now. The only problem is that I just dont feel it any more. When we are together, it is like being intimate with my sister or something. I guess Ive lost that loving feeling, and though I am trying, I just dont want to be with her any more. It feels so selfish and wrong, and when I think of walking out on my baby, it just kills me. I can never have another son, and I love the little dude with all my heart. I know leaving is the right thing for me as a person, but it still feels selfish and wrong emotionally. I dont have a question as such, just thought I would share and listen to everyones feedback. Im trying to decide what to do now, and I guess Im willing to listen to any suggestions anyone has.

Thanks for listening
 
Phoster,

I was in a similar situation back in December, however my wife and I did not have any children. We have been married 18 years. Yes it was difficult but it was something I could not accept anymore. Everyone is different thus each of us must evaluate how to proceed in this journey through life. Before I spoke to my wife, I dixcussed the turmoil with my T not necessarily for his advice but as someone to speak with about leaving.

It is tough situation and I don't recall how I approached my wife about leaving. I only recall that we were talking and the words came to me. Yes, this is still very emotional but you have to deal with it. You have my support in whatever you decide to proceed.

Chuck
 
Phoster,

I read this post some time ago, and for what it is worth, this is my reply.

Maybe you find this woman, she is so good, maybe you think this is what you have been looking for all your life, but missed along the way.

Maybe it could be good, then maybe it can also go bad, nobody knows the outcome of that one.

Some things maybe not going so well in your family, you are having health problems, but one thing that really struck a chord in me, is this.

Your young son, who you obviously adore, could you bear to be without this boy in your life?

To not see him grow, into the man you so much want to see, and maybe he will become somebody else's stepson, and you would worry so much about his upbringing, as you can remember the problems that you faced.

I only say this, because if I had a boy this age, then I would be so protective of the little fella, that I would never put his welfare into question.

It is only what I think, and I do not know the full situation, so I can only think along the lines of protecting your son, and being with him while he grows up.

The situation is up to you, my friend,

Peace and Goodwill,

ste
 
I have to agree with Reality on this one.

You are not getting your needs met at the moment in your marriage. You believe the pasture is greener elselwhere. But, perhaps, your needs can be met in the pasture where you are at? You've begun to share your needs - great! Keep sharing! There is so much to loose if you don't.

And, I've hesitated to reveal that I am a Christian minister - but will now. Your wife needs to know that God is the creator of our sexuality. I believe a biblical way to put it is that, within the confines of marriage (for the Christian) there is nothing sexually off-limits. NOTHING! What a husband and wife enjoy sexually is good (as long as it is not coerced) and sacred in God's eyes. You may want to sit down with a knowlegdable pastor and/or have him recommend some resources on biblical approaches to sexuality within marriage. (Here's something to have your wife look at in the meantime https://christiananswers.net/q-eden/sex-oral.html ).

Not preaching, mind you ... entirely your choice ... but think of all there is to loose if you pursue this other relationship. How happy ... for how long?
 
Thanks to you all.

My baby is all that is holding me back, and I keep asking myself if it is right to stay in my marriage just for him. A huge part of me wants to. I want to be there for him every day, and I dont want to be a weekend father. It sounds so simple, my wife changes, I stay and we live happily ever after.

The reality is that I have spent a lifetime trying to plug myself into that picture, and it never works. For four years now, I have continually talked to my wife, asking her to work with me. Ive offered to go to therapy with her, and it always becomes me being selfish, and about me having problems, and about how it is all me. Four years of talking and asking, and nothing changing.

One thing all of this stuff has helped me to see is the true man inside that I have always denied. I denied him because he didnt match up with what the bible said he should be. I denied him because I was ashamed of his sexuality. Beating him down, berating him, and shoving the real me into a bag, Ive tried to plug myself into her world. I take time every day to count my blessings, to study and pray, but wishing yourself happy doesnt work. You cant say this is what the Bible says, flick a switch, and live happily ever after. The only thing that works is being yourself.

You know, I was like most Christians. I quoted the Bible, and told myself how wrong gays were for example. The whole time, not even realizing that though my sexuality wasnt gay, it certainly doesnt line up with the word any better. Now I have a lot of compassion for being gay, because I know how hard life is when the world says you should be something that you just cannot be, no matter how hard you try.

My wife being Christian lives in a very small sexual world. We enjoy oral and intercourse when we have sex, but my sexuality goes far, far beyond what she is open to. I have tried and tried to be happy in that little box the Bible allows us, but that just isnt who I am. It isnt the person that the abuse formed me into. It would be so easy to keep on doing what I am, enduring. No one gets hurt, except me. My kids have a father, my wife a husband, and me, I get to put my mask back on. I get to paint the smile on, pretend everything is fine, and tell myself what a great guy I am for sacrificing for them. Thats great until a few months from now, when the real me becomes so frustrated and neglected that he throws his fist through the wall, or thinks how easy it would be to just flick the steering wheel and run into a bridge support.

Sorry for ranting. I guess I just need to vent, and this place used to be one place where I could. I have really, really tried, and I am committed to keep trying for now. But I am used up, and my heart just isnt really in it any more.
 
Phoster,

I really admire your patience with your wife and how you've tried to get her to see a therapist together. I am very sorry she will not do so with you. That makes things so much tougher.


You really sound frustrated with it all - and rightly so. I hope and pray you can work through it with your wife.

And, for what it is worth, I hope that this is still a place where you can 'rant' ... and that my suggesting your wife seeing your pastor for resources/the website didn't stifle your ability to 'rant.' We all need a place to rant ;-).
 
it is still the best place to be when you are a male survivor, if you are emotionally ready. i quit coming for a while, because it was hard reading everyone's problems all the time. i was growing, and it was hard to see them stuck. it was hard not being able to help them much. you have to be emotionally able to be helpless and powerless, and i needed that break to gain my focus again, and to come back here and meet everyone again.
 
Well, though I'm very new here ... I can say I'm glad you came back to contribute and support others just beginning the journey.

Thanks!
 
Phoster,

One thing all of this stuff has helped me to see is the true man inside that I have always denied. I denied him because he didn?t match up with what the bible said he should be. I denied him because I was ashamed of his sexuality. Beating him down, berating him, and shoving the real me into a bag,
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You are still the man the little boy was so much meant to have been, clear away some of the debris, and let yourself be the just that.

People I meet make remarks somedays about how good I look, and how well I do things, but I just see myself as the same piece of sh*t that I felt as a boy. Maybe we can all relate to those feelings, that I mention, I really do not take postive remarks seriously, maybe because I too wear the mask.

It is so hard to not be able to interact with normal behaviour, when you have been conditioned into thinking so negatively, I try to understand people, but it is not so easy, and you can identify with that one.

That?s great until a few months from now, when the real me becomes so frustrated and neglected that he throws his fist through the wall, or thinks how easy it would be to just flick the steering wheel and run into a bridge support.
Click to expand...
I used to drive long distance, and I remember the terrifying thought of doing the exact same thing, you get so much to see your feelings alone when driving, and I had the same thoughts of just ending it, with the flick of the wheel, and yes, it would just seem like a tragic accident.

None of want to see you do that, or anybody, deal with the anger, find an outlet that is positive.

The way I see this site, is that the men who where once boys, were thrust into a world that was totally unreal to them, it was a world of learning new skills, of not knowing how to grow as an adult would normally do, in their perception of rationality, because it has to be relearned.

It is hard when you are an adult, and have to live with such hurt within a relationship, but I do not think it is impossible.

The only time I cry since being a boy, is when I read the posts of others, of the horrors they went through, and the feelings of utter helplessness, that we all went through at some time past.

I see so much strength, in those who are the true survivors of this world, to have gone through so much pain, and often with nobody to share in the silence and grief.

All of that and still being a child, is so much a burden we all share. The burden was huge then, it was too much for us as kids, so our minds put it all away to resurface, and heal in our adult minds, it is hard to rediscover the hurt it does over many years, and we just wish the whole thing never had to happen.

You are strong, you always were, just see it that way, we are all fighters in a battle that never should have been,

you will win,

ste
 
Boy, you're facing one of the toughest realites of recovery, in my opinion.

I think a lot of survivors, myself included, specifically seek out people who aren't particularly warm or openly affectionate.
When warmth and hugs and nurturing make your skin crawl, we choose someone who doesn't offer those things. When we had this embedded notion caused by shame that we weren't worthy of better treatment, we choose someone who agrees with us, or at least treats us like she does.

Then we come to understand the way our past has influenced us. We figure out that we were making bad, victim's choices. And we start gradually to want what everyone wants in a relationship, support, nurturing, unconditional caring. BUT what do we do when our spouse isn't changing along with us. Of course she isn't. Why would she? It's our mess to unravel.

But eventually you get to this impasse. What's fair to everyone? What's sane? What's reasonable? I sure don't have easy answers on this. I will say I think you should take time in working this through. I think once we get a taste for being treated with affection, it can really open up this well inside of us that no one could ever fill at first. Sort of like stepping out the first day of spring, it feels so good you just want to swallow up the sun. But after a month, you're used to the warmth and your need isn't so intense. That's the time to assess.

At the same time, I wouldn't wait in limbo forever. Maybe give it a year with your wife trying to do what she can and then assess things. Perhaps you will find that with her making an effort and your needs grown a little less intense, you can meet in the middle and continue to build a relationship. Ultimately you have to consider your own needs in the equation. It's not reasonable to live without doing that. And if it means divorce, so be it. You're no role model to your children if you aren't showing them that you respect yourself. But it's also not something to rush into, in my opinion, until you know what your real needs are.

Take care.
 
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