Lost Now and Need Help, Please

Lost Now and Need Help, Please
T

Tribear

Registrant
Hi,

I am having a very hard December and worse these last few days. I can't write a whole thing today.

But I just managed to write a letter to a friend, and what I can do is post it here for some other people to read so maybe they will say something or understand a little.

Thank you.

-----

Hi XXX,

Thank you for the card, it was very thoughtful and I appreciated it very much. I can use a laugh once in a while, not many to go around lately here. My thoughts are with you too.

I would like to write about and some other things in your email, but I can barely type. Still I needed to contact you for some company in a way.

It is very, very hard for me right now. I am so lonely again, and my brain will not let me rest. It goes all the time. I had a medicine that helped a little, but my doctor stopped using it he said. Other doctors still use it. I hope I can get some.

But I must change therapists too. I have seen this woman therapist for 4 or 5 years, and she doesn't want to talk to my alters. She SAYS she will, but she always avoids the subject somehow during the appointment. I told her plainly 3 appointments in a row that I needed that right away, and she said she would start next appointment, but then she didn't.

Do you know how messed up that is to do that to someone like us??? To say one thing, but do another, and ignore what we say we need??? She has said it was wrong for abusers to do that to me in past years all my life, but then she does some of it. I hate that!!

So I have had it with her. I told her I will be finding a new therapist. My alters need to talk to someone who welcomes them.

I wish somehow you and I lived closer or something, and we could talk in person sometime.

Oh well, I guess I just needed to say that I feel better just to write to you. You listen well and are understanding. It helps.

I hope you will be OK. I have some thoughts that I wish could support you a little, for me to say them, but I am feeling so bad, I don't feel like I should be trying to sound too smart right now. So I will just say I think you are a good person, and I am glad that I met you.

I will try to hang on. Where is everybody when you need them? WHy must I feel this bad? I wish God would help more, not to hurt so much, but he knows his job, and I must try to do what I can do. Part of me has no argument with God, but other parts do. I believe in his goodness for the long run, but I need some help right now with simple things and friends and hugs from someone and little kids and stuff.

I am not making all too much sense, so I will stop. You can see where I am I guess. I wish that I could be very far away. Anyway, thank you too for being my friend.

(Tribear)
 
You're not alone. We all are here. Don't try to fix everything at once. You really can do it one small piece at a time. Meanwhile, we are on your side here.

I am sending a hug your way right now.

Brett.
 
Brother,

I wish I were there physically for you. To tell you you're not alone. You're not, you know. There are others here who know exactly what you're going through and love you. Who will listen to you and your alters, because all of you have something valuable to say.

It doesn't sound like a lot, my brother, but I am with you and I care. I do wish I could do something more, but you've helped me by reaching out and the best thing I can do is to offer the same to you.

I care about you and I am hugging you close now. I wish you more peace and love to come.

Scot :)
 
Tribear
What a lovely letter to recieve, I bet your friend will feel honoured to recieve someothing so genuine and touching.

Even though you are having a hard time, you still care about your friend, and that's a great gift.

What goes around - comes around, I'm sure your friend cares for you as well, as we do here.

Take care.

Dave
 
Dear Tribear,

Dave is so right on. How wonderful that your capacity to show love and concern for your friend is so strong that it comes through all the suffering you're going through.

To me that is surely a sign of a terrific man.

Thank you for coming here and sharing that part of yourself with us. I am honored by your faith and trust.

Hang in there, buddy. There are lots of us here pulling for you.

We're here for you.

Your fellow survivor,
 
Dear Other Readers,

I checked here to see if anybody answered, thinking at least one somebody probably would. Thank you for your even-more-than-one replies of support and fellow feeling.

I swear I don't know how I got like this. I mean, I remember my abuse history and understand what it can do, on paper. And I have been doing this 11 years now, and I have seen it in myself and others.

But I was strong for so long, and I was considered pretty smart (at least by me). How did this happen to me?? I know that sounds so cliche', but I don't get it.

Because then I broke down, and now sometimes, I barely talk a staight sentence, or even think one. I hear how I sound, and I sound worse as time goes by. I stutter and almost can't read at times. The written words look like a foreign language to me.

I do some hobby work, and I've been making the same dumb mistakes over again for the past few months. They are things I KNOW how to do, like since forever, but it's like I have no concept of anything technical any more.

Boy have I been doing stupid things. A 5 year old could do better (like mixing glue wrong???---It's 'half and half, and mix well'. I goofed it up. It was important--somebody else's property). I know I'm not supposed to call myself names, but I've had it with me too. All my alters are here, and they don't know what to make of it either, except the pressure is greater lately. But am I getting senile or something?

Well, this sounds like the last one did, so I'm going to rest for a while. I just wanted you to know I read what you took the time to write, and I appreciate your doing that.

Thank you,

Tribear
 
Tribear,

Your friend IS honored that you wrote him. I hope that you are feeling better, and that you know you are cared of and believed in.

Leosha
 
Tribear, Sometimes when times are the worst, is when we need friends to not only be there for us, but to point out the amazing progress we have made.

While I do not know you and can only speak in the abstract so to speak, I will say that based on your post, you have made some amazing progress and are using the things you have learned to cope and move forward now.

What I see was someone with enormous strength to have the courage to END a long term relationship with your therepist that you have determined to be detrimental to you.

I see a survivor that had the courage to confide in a friend and and ask for support.

I see someone with the honesty to admit things are not great and the courage to take the steps needed to change that.

Those are not the characteristics of someone that is failing at life, but someone who is surviving, making progress and taking control. Someone that in the rough times is getting through them instead of giving up.

For all that you have the right and deserve to be proud of yourself. I know that may be hard to hear, but believe what of it you can today, and maybe somemore tomorrow.

All my best.
BT
 
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