Lost. Need answers.

Lost. Need answers.
O

omrfople

New Registrant
Howdy,

I am a survivor (Damn crying already). Didn't realize how much this was bugging me again until I started typing.

Anyway. As I was saying I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have been in counseling twice and it helped and I am in the process of getting back in for a third mental tune up. On anti depressents and anti anxiety meds. All that has helped, but I am still having problems. I came here b/c I found the web address in a book my last counseler gave me. I wasn;t going to post, but you all seem very cool so what the hell.

My main bitch is that I feel completely and utterly alone. My family is very supportive and I have good friends but I seem unable to form a relationship w/ women beyond friendship. I find them attractive want more than friendship, but seem unable to get there. I don't trust myself at reading signals b/c in the past the ones I have been most interested in have put out mixed signals. I think part of my problem is that b/c I am a survivor I would hate to victimize anyone else and I am uncomfortable making the first move. It seems that while logically I know there is good sex vs. bad sex it all equates to bad sex in my mind.

This makes me feel like an emotional cripple and I start to despise myself and become very upset w/ my abuser who I feel made me this way. Then I realize this gives him too much power, and I hate myself ven more for giving it too him. Then I become flat out pissed and want to hunt the fucker down and make him die slowly. Or just die myself so I wouldn't have to feel this way. I thought I had dealt with these feelings and had pretty much reached a Zen state w/ all this bullshit, but apparently I haven't. I just want this done. I want to flip a switch and say "I've dealt w/ it I can move on" I know this can't happen, but I am just so tired of it (the abuse and subsequent feelings)always being there.

Any tips to any of the stuff I've babbled above would be appreciated.

Mike
 
My main bitch is that I feel completely and utterly alone.
Click to expand...
Mike,

I wish you didn't have to read those books or come to sites like this, but now that you're here, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

Here we don't have to be alone. We have endured terrible violations and are still living. We're sharing ideas with one another about what we do to make our individual lives better. Sometimes we share warnings on what we did that made things worse, too. And this is a good place to come and vent when you need to get something out.

One of the ways these guys help me is in learning about my reactions to being sexually abused. A lot of the guys here have been able to help me find words to express things about myself that baffled me. I have learned that I'm not a mutant, I was abused. I owe these folks a lot for helping me like this. They're good people.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Mike,

Glad you found this site, but I'm sorry that you need it. I honor your honesty and courage to post. There can be lots of healing, information, insight, caring and sharing to be found here. Please use what you can accept and let the rest go by the wayside. There is a lot of controversy and "vigerous" expression of of personal opinion going on here at the moment. Hang in there, things will settle down where this community of men focus on their own recovery and helping others find their way.

I can relate so much to your post born with tears and hurt. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of my bio-father.

For me it continues to be a long, long road toward feeling whole, alive, able to function, and most of all, capable of relating to others in a healthy , honest manner. It's taken me a long time to realize the extent of the damage done to me by the SA (sexual abuse) as well as growing up in a dysfuntional family. It's taking me even longer to face the pain and deal with the consequences.

I've often wanted a magic pill to make me all better. I still would rather someone waved the wand, flipped the switch, and ta-da - I'm all better and feel great. Moments of adult maturity show me it just doesn't work that way. I also have many moments now of hope that I can get better. I've just pasted the two year mark of sobriety (alcohol) and that has helped immensely, as has continuing to take anti-depressents as prescribed by my Pdoc.

The truth for me remains that I am emotionally crippled, especially in the arena of intimate relationships. It's taken me a long time to even be able to admit that and I'm still not sure exactly how I'll get past it. Add in lots of sexual orientation confusion and things can get messed up for me quicker then... well a good metaphor escapes me at the moment.

I've been in counsiling for years with breaks in between. My current therapst (T) has helped me the most b/c he's the first who actually specialized in abuse/trauma and addictions therapy.

A painful truth for me is to admit that I've got the emotional maturity of a boy somewhere around the age of fourteen or so (it slides around). It hurts like hell but it's also liberating in a way:

I don't have any children (I'm 43), but friends and relatives of mine do. I've been exposed to many children of all ages and it's been soo interesting and healing to see them be themselves. My point is that I've seen how children are, and have learned a lot about what children "normally" experience and get growing up in a "fairly normal" environment. Frankly, teenagers have a lot to learn. I missed doing many of the healthy things teens do to learn about themselves and others and how to socialize, through school and other activities. It's easy to see how young they are and even through they may think they know everything (me for sure when I was a teen), they don't and it's ok that they don't.

If I view myself through the eyes of my adult self as I imagine what I've seen of teens, I can be much more compassionate and understanding toward myself. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn. As I would be gentle with a boy/teen struggling with life's many questions, I can do this for myself b/c ---- no one else can or will. So for relationships now, my best bet is to learn how to date and not try to jump past go into something I really don't understand.

I can ask for help along the way. I've found lots here.

peace,
jer
 
omrfople,
In responce to, "My main bitch is that I feel completely and utterly alone. My family is very supportive and I have good friends but I seem unable to form a relationship w/ women beyond friendship. I find them attractive want more than friendship, but seem unable to get there. I don't trust myself at reading signals b/c in the past the ones I have been most interested in have put out mixed signals. I think part of my problem is that b/c I am a survivor I would hate to victimize anyone else and I am uncomfortable making the first move. It seems that while logically I know there is good sex vs. bad sex it all equates to bad sex in my mind."

"This makes me feel like an emotional cripple and I start to despise myself and become very upset w/ my abuser who I feel made me this way. Then I realize this gives him too much power, and I hate myself ven more for giving it too him. Then I become flat out pissed and want to hunt the fucker down and make him die slowly. Or just die myself so I wouldn't have to feel this way. I thought I had dealt with these feelings and had pretty much reached a Zen state w/ all this bullshit, but apparently I haven't. I just want this done. I want to flip a switch and say "I've dealt w/ it I can move on" I know this can't happen, but I am just so tired of it (the abuse and subsequent feelings)always being there."

Man, u hit the nail on the head. Let me asure you that ur NOT alone in that thinking. I feel that way also.
....&....
So, I'm a Non-Sexually being.
I feel like a piece of flesh. I'm going to grow old & ALONE, surrounded by "friends". Dismal.

Peace.........Blacken
 
Thank you for the kind words and support. It means a lot to hear from others in the same boat and to know that I am not alone/crazy/a freak.

Jer: Your advice about learning to date first must be good advice, its the same thing my Mom said. :) ( BTW Congrats on 2 years sober)

Blacken: I to have felt that exact same way and truly hate the F word. But I seem to have hit a burst of postivity today and I don't think either of us should give up. However if you ask me tomorrow I may have changed my mind. Hang in there man.

Mike
 
Mike, Welcome, and indeed to echo everyone here, you are not alone. We all feel that we are, because how could anyone ever understand what happened to us, how could be possible explain in a way that won't sound "Made up", lies, etc, etc. This isolation is awful, how do you explain to a spouse, a parent, a friend without fearing their response. You just do it! It takes time, tears, shaking, procastinating, circling the truth, saying it didn't happen to finally face it head on. It does not happen overnight, the important thing is that you are here, in the same boat as the rest of us trying to figure out why our youth was stolen from us, how our heads stay screwed on, how can we love another, how can we be the person that is trapped inside of us. Many, many questions, but there are answers, they are in your heart, in the person you know you are.
Come back often, nothing is stupid here, what is stupid is the questions or thoughts that are not expressed re: SA.
Bob
 
Mike,

You have a lot to cry about, so let 'er rip and don't bother with the why's and the wherefore's.

MS is building a wonderful world on the pain of survivors like you and I who have nowhere else to go to find comfort and respite for a lifetime of unconsolable pain wrought by the actions of our perps and further complicated by a society at loss with how to deal with us.

Stay here and get well with us, and become part of the force that will makes things easier for us and our yet to be born survivor brothers.

I pray you find peace, here, now,

Ron
 
Mike, Welcome to MS. While I have'nt been here long knowing I am not alone in what has happened to me has been so wonderful to me. I hope you will experience the same.

One of the most amazing things to me is I am learning that so many of us if not most that have experienced SA have so much in common as to the way we view the world, relate to people,and resond to what is thrown our way.

Know that you are not the first to experience what you are dealing with and we are on a journey that will have a good ending.

An attitude I try to maintain as I get frustrated, down, depressed, etc... with my life and how bad it is going, or how slow any recovery is is to try and remember it is a journey. Every day you make a little progress, either by moving ahead, or learning you screwed up, don't do that again. And trying to realize that so much of what affects us is symply the result of someone elses depravity, not ours, and we will overcome and be better for it. One day at a time.

You have to step out as well, take chances, enjoy the success, and when you get hurt, come back here. Get held up, and go again.

Once more, Welcome, and all the best on your journey.
 
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