Lost, lonely, depressed and abandoned

[andyp3]

My mother sexually abused me from the age of 7 to about 12. Aside from the beatings and other sexually charged violence, she would many times compare my sexuality with that of my estranged father. It was only in my late 20s, when both my parents passed away, that I discovered I was adopted as a baby. I am now 62, I've been married three times, and I have five natural children and nine grandchildren from my first wife. I'm still trying to get over the idea that it's not all my fault. I feel lonely and abandoned most of the time, I've been through years of therapy, and I still can't get over the belief that the reason I'm so lonely and have no friends is because I'm such a bad person. On the surface, I seem to be a happy person but underneath I don't believe this will ever be resolved.because I deserve this torment. Guess I'm going thru a phase of self doubt, depression and loneliness.

 

[traveler]

I don't know how to help you change what you should know - that it wasn't your fault - to something you not only know - but also BELIEVE and FEEL. But I can tell you that it is possible to get there. It takes time and repetition and support and effort to resist and negate the lies and believe the truth. It eventually clicked for me. Don't give up. And though you may feel lonely - you are not alone as long as we are all here.

LEE

 

[Magellan]

That loneliness you feel is the absence of the mother you never had.

(edited to add Your mother should have given you emotional support and guidance as you were growing up. Instead, she robbed you of what you were born with. Our parents abandoned us in profound ways.

At 42, I'm starting to recognize that the all consuming loneliness I also feel comes from the very same place - my mother never loved me the way I needed to be loved. I spent my entire life chasing relationships trying to catch something I didn't know I needed, and could never catch as an adult.

It's a perplexing puzzle to work through - because I also carry the same self defeating feelings that I am unlovable and unworthy.

With no family of my own, and never having been in love at all, I'm surprised to see a fellow brother describe himself as lonely and abandoned after 3 marriages and a family of kids / grandkids. Changes my perspective a little bit. Thank you for opening up here.

 

[don64]

Hi andyp3,

I identify with all the feelings you are having, except I'm gay. I didn't begin to remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother until age 63. Began to remember the abuse from my father at age 53. What has been the breakthrough for me has been going back to myself as an infant. I learned over a period of years through meditation, regression and re-birthing work, and a lot of body work how to access body memory. What resulted for me was sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother in infancy and early childhood. She had two younger siblings to work with by then.

The feelings of "I am a bad person" came early and were part of a primitive defense system designed to completely shut down my ability to feel. My thinking had to be so severely compromised in order to remain in what would have resulted in psychic death had I experienced it fully. The "I am a bad person" was part of an arsenal that kept my self worth so low my ability to break through toxic reality was disabled. And, I kept returning to the scene of the crime until last year. That early pattern has run my entire life.

I'll soon be 65, and I am experiencing continued growth and integration of ever surprising parts of what feels like an authentic me. It can be very volatile at times, but feeling at the level of original trauma is serious business. I'm having the experience of growing a larger ME, one that can contain the feelings of the early damaged me while sending feelings of love and safety. AND, at the same time not repeating the old paranoid pattern of attack, attack, attack. It requires an enormous amount of mental focus right now, but I seem to be doing it. I am experiencing my brain re-writing itself, and have begun to see my images of reality shift occasionally from negative to positive. Same life, same situations, different perspective.

Sending you love and good will.

Don