lost little boy

[hemi1024]

Hi everyone here is my deal. I just wanted to fit in and have someone hug me tell they loved me and to have that one on one relationship bonding.My dad divorced my real mom when I was 4 I seen mom for a short time and all the visits stopped. Dad got remarried and this is when things started to change for me. I later found out that my mother had been shot by her 2nd husband and died never got to go to the funeral. Then the verbal abuse started with dad and his second wife and one time he drug her by her hair. ther was one time that her parents came over as she called them. There were times I was so scared I would hide in my room untill the yelling stopped. My dad got diverced again this time I was 9 years old I was given a choice to stay with Stepmom or go with dad I chose to go with my stepmom but dad made feel so dam guilty that I went with him mistake!!! My dad started drinking and guess what I was left at his bosses house some nights he would not come home. His boss had a son great some one to bond with. That's when the rape,tortureand the beatings started so much for bonding. Then ther was dads friend who seemed to nice he would babysit let me stay up watch tv with him have snacks here is someone who is paying attention to me. Hook line and sinker I trusted you then you started doing the sex stuff oral touching me all over you are so good looking. Yuk I wanted to throw up dirty ashamed. But what did I know at least you were paying attention to me not yelling at me and telling me I am stupid,dumb and never amount to nothing. You put me on your lap and let me drive your car. But then things started to chane I was getting older and it started to be a game to me. You gave me a cig and guess what you cut me off so I started stealing them. You still at least were paying attention to me but then you said to me after having me on the bed naked you are getting fat! That realy hurt that wasn't bad enough you have my friend stay over and try to take advantage of him right in front of me he refused. I was so hurt that when you were doing things to me to get me arowsed nothing happened. This must of pissed you off because you tied me up and gaged me and took your fingers and went in from behind. The pain tears going down my face wanted to scream but could not then what do you say cant wait untill I put my penis inside you. That was the last straw my dad found out for I told him but nothing was ever done never saw my perp again. Bil

 

[Hauser]

Sounds like your parents weren't good enough to have someone like you for a kid if you ask me.

You deserved a better start in life Bill, way better.

Bill? Is your Dad still alive? Have you talked to him about this recently? And, are you seeing a T? Just curious where you are in life right now.

 

[roadrunner]

Bill,

One thing that's really important here is something you never come out and talk about in so many words.

Every boy in the world needs affection, attention, and adults who will look after him and make him feel wanted, needed and worth loving. He needs this first and foremost from his parents, and if he doesn't get it from them the effects can be disastrous. He will feel empty and somehow invisible and unimportant - he's not needed and no one cares.

A boy in this situation is in big trouble emotionally, and if ANYONE comes along with a kind word or an offer of friendship and adventure the boy feels overjoyed and will do anything to keep these contacts. Even as the contacts get into areas that scare and shame him, it is still just too much for him to give up the attention and support he thinks he is getting. It's a very dark place for a boy when he feels alone, unwanted and worthless, and he will do anything to stay out of that terrible place. He just doesn't realize he is being used and betrayed.

But Bill, don't blame yourself for any of this. The fault goes entirely to those who failed you as nurturing adults, and then to those who saw you needed help and support, and instead of offering that, tricked you and abused you for their own gratification.

Much love,
Larry

 

[phoster]

i never ceased to be amazed by people's stories here. they all have things in common, and are all different too. i understand the isolation and loneliness that makes the abuse almost acceptable somehow. it is worth trading your body for the attention that any decent family would have naturally. i feel for you, and understand how you feel. i am sorry this happened. i hope you find healing and recovery.

 

[mphsrvivor]

Bill, I am so sorry all of this happened to you. You deserved better than what you received. You deserved a better situation with your parents and a better situation with the other people in you life.

I also just wanted to fit in and to have someone hug me and tell me they love me. We (you, me, and all children) not only want that from others; we need it. When this affection wasnt found at home, I accepted it wherever it came from. For me it was one of my brothers friends who shared the same interests. We hung out and goofed off together, the kind of goofing off that should be typical of childhood. Eventually, he began abusing me. Luckily it didnt last very long or get too involved but still I allowed him around because I had no one else. When his abuse stopped, I again had no friends. I was isolated. Later, a new priest came to our parish and quickly became a friend of my family. He quickly befriended me and showed me the affection I wanted and needed. He became closer to me than my own family. My family was (and still is) emotionally comatose. When the abuse began with the priest, I still kept my friendship with him. Part of it was because I didnt know what to do but some of the reason why is because I didnt want our friendship to disappear. He was the only friend I had and I didnt want to be lonely again. I enjoyed having a friend in my life who I could share my life with. My need for affection and my distorted view of our friendship was so strong that when the priest disappeared, I was actually sad. I felt a loss by his absence. His abuse lasted for several years and has been the most devastating thing to happen to me but the child in me stayed with him because he showed me affection when no one else was there.

My T once tried to help me see how I allowed the abuse to go on for so long. One thing that stuck with me was an explanation of how my childhood froze and became stagnant when the first abuse started. The trauma of the abuse was so strong I never recovered from it. I simply never resumed a normal childhood from that point on. I remained this frozen child even though I had physically grown up. It really made sense to me and has helped me understand why I allowed my priest to continue to abuse me even after I turned 18.

Bill, I want you to know how what happened to you wasnt your fault. You didnt have good parents available to give you what you needed most; love and attention. You deserved to have those things given to you in a safe manner and not resulting in physical and sexual abuse. You obviously have a lot of pain and hurt going on because of this and I hope you are seeing a therapist to help you work through this.