lost... confused.. angry.. hurt... unsure... why?
ahh this may make no sense but i think i need to write it... I dont show much of my emotions but right now ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I apologise in advance...
How long are you meant to just push this away? how long do you have to pretend youre ok? I was doing ok.. Everything was sorting out but no of course shit hits the fucking fan! I just dont understand how you can be hurt so much by the people that are meant to love you?! I saw her for the first time since like 2 years and now out of no where, I see her.. She leaves me with all this going through my head I dont understand how she made me like that so she could do what she needed.. Use me. how did she do it? Does that mean I like her? I feel so yuck I dont understand its hard enough waking up every morning in the one place I dont feel safe.. But my dad hasnt hurt me.. I think he has changed we dont talk about it and we act as if nothing even happened I didnt see him in 2 years either and it just goes back to normal???.. I dont understand why did she have to come and see me? She says just dropping in to say hello how the fuck dare she even hug me. How dare she act as if it didnt happen. I dont understand.. Im a wreck things were working out I was going to go back and study and try and get a job, everything made sense for once. And now look what has happened its just like when I was little again they both are here.. Sipping their tea, telling each other what they have been up to its bad enough Im living with dad again. I thought when you get a divorce you never see them together again. Dad has a new gf, shes great she has kids.. What if dad what is she. Ahhh what am I doing I never write this down.. I like dads gf, she is so nice. She wouldnt hurt a fly she is letting me live in her house.. She feeds me and even took me clothes shoppingshe even gave me a nick name why couldnt she be my mum instead why couldnt she have raised me. But know I have her. I got stuck with her and him. Do we really choose our family?. Why did I choose this one? Why? I come on here and pretend nothing has happened I go on chat and talk about the weather to some people and they have no idea Im drowning in tears.. I act like I dont care that it doesnt bother me Im getting scared because Im opening up and allowing myself to cry.. What if I cant stop. Im getting scared because Im really starting to rely on this website. Allot. Everything good that happens in my life goes bad.. Always how am I typing all this down am I going to post this? Will I hit that button?.. Can I actually open up allot more to this site?. Im scared if I do my trust with be abused whats wrong with me?.. So many things are going through my head Im going to go for a walk
I apologise in advance...
How long are you meant to just push this away? how long do you have to pretend youre ok? I was doing ok.. Everything was sorting out but no of course shit hits the fucking fan! I just dont understand how you can be hurt so much by the people that are meant to love you?! I saw her for the first time since like 2 years and now out of no where, I see her.. She leaves me with all this going through my head I dont understand how she made me like that so she could do what she needed.. Use me. how did she do it? Does that mean I like her? I feel so yuck I dont understand its hard enough waking up every morning in the one place I dont feel safe.. But my dad hasnt hurt me.. I think he has changed we dont talk about it and we act as if nothing even happened I didnt see him in 2 years either and it just goes back to normal???.. I dont understand why did she have to come and see me? She says just dropping in to say hello how the fuck dare she even hug me. How dare she act as if it didnt happen. I dont understand.. Im a wreck things were working out I was going to go back and study and try and get a job, everything made sense for once. And now look what has happened its just like when I was little again they both are here.. Sipping their tea, telling each other what they have been up to its bad enough Im living with dad again. I thought when you get a divorce you never see them together again. Dad has a new gf, shes great she has kids.. What if dad what is she. Ahhh what am I doing I never write this down.. I like dads gf, she is so nice. She wouldnt hurt a fly she is letting me live in her house.. She feeds me and even took me clothes shoppingshe even gave me a nick name why couldnt she be my mum instead why couldnt she have raised me. But know I have her. I got stuck with her and him. Do we really choose our family?. Why did I choose this one? Why? I come on here and pretend nothing has happened I go on chat and talk about the weather to some people and they have no idea Im drowning in tears.. I act like I dont care that it doesnt bother me Im getting scared because Im opening up and allowing myself to cry.. What if I cant stop. Im getting scared because Im really starting to rely on this website. Allot. Everything good that happens in my life goes bad.. Always how am I typing all this down am I going to post this? Will I hit that button?.. Can I actually open up allot more to this site?. Im scared if I do my trust with be abused whats wrong with me?.. So many things are going through my head Im going to go for a walk