Lost and found and the way I am

[my_own_prison]

I feel so lost about who I am these past few days but I have found some emotions about what happened to me that I never let out. The more I recall about my past CSA the more emotional I get. I haven't felt anger yet and that worries me. All I feel is sadness. I weep for the innocence and self worth that was stolen from me. I know I can't change what happened to me but what is the purpose of remembering all of this? Will this help me grow from the 6 year old left behind to the man I should have become?

I've been reading Mic Hunter's "Abused Boys" and lots of things in my life are now so much clearer. I'm supposed to come out of this a changed man. How long does this process take? Weeks? Months, Years? I guess its up to the individual. I still feel like I am barely scratching the surface. I want to be hypnotized so the deepest parts of my memory can be purged of this darkness. Has anyone out there tried that and did it help remember stuff that was foggy?

My wife can't stand the way I am right now. I can't even look at her. Yesterday as we lay in bed, she tried to cuddle with me and I tried to turn it inot a sexual encounter. I always do that. I kept telling myself to stop and just soak up the comfort but my body kept going for the sex. I could tell it was upsetting her and I stopped. I felt so bad. She said I should be alone for awhile.

(The way I am)

I have a high libido. Always have. I attribute it to two things. My past and my Italian side. I love being passionate. I enjoy making love to a woman. I prefer that woman to be my wife and for the past 13 years she's been the only one. However, she doesn't enjoy making love. She never really has. Oh, in the beginning when everything was new, of course she did. Now, she says she has a low libido and she refuses to take any medication to fix it. That has been a sore spot in our marriage as well.

My wife says I am too sensitive. I get easily hurt and I don't mind admitting that I get very emotional when ever I watch a movie or show that has a tender moment in it. I watched "Good Will Huntin" the other day and was practically balling my eyes out during the therapy session scene where Robbin Williams was telling Will that "It's not your fault" and he kept saying it over and over. Of course that particular scene hits real close to home.

I know I wil change but I like being passionate. I like making love and I don't want that to change. I feel like I am at a cross roads in my life.

 

[MikeNY]

Originally posted by my_own_prison:


I know I can't change what happened to me but what is the purpose of remembering all of this?

To heal and grow.

Will this help me grow from the 6 year old left behind to the man I should have become?

It will help you to incorporate that 6 year old and all of his pure innocence back into your life. It will help you to love and trust again. It will help you to become who you truly are, not who you think that you should have become.


How long does this process take? Weeks? Months, Years?

You will be changing for the rest of your life. You will be much better in a few months.

I still feel like I am barely scratching the surface.

You are only scratching the surface. It takes time and determination to get to all of the things below it.

I want to be hypnotized so the deepest parts of my memory can be purged of this darkness. Has anyone out there tried that and did it help remember stuff that was foggy?

I have personal opinions against hypnosis which are backed up scientifically. Remember, there are NO quick answers or solutions.

My wife can't stand the way I am right now. I can't even look at her.

Remember, communication. Talk with her about this. Talk with her about your feelings.


I have a high libido. Always have. I attribute it to two things. My past and my Italian side. I love being passionate. I enjoy making love to a woman. I prefer that woman to be my wife and for the past 13 years she's been the only one. However, she doesn't enjoy making love. She never really has. Oh, in the beginning when everything was new, of course she did. Now, she says she has a low libido and she refuses to take any medication to fix it. That has been a sore spot in our marriage as well.

Remember the old days? Give her the things that she may need to feel that way again.


My wife says I am too sensitive. I get easily hurt and I don't mind admitting that I get very emotional when ever I watch a movie or show that has a tender moment in it. I watched "Good Will Huntin" the other day and was practically balling my eyes out during the therapy session scene where Robbin Williams was telling Will that "It's not your fault" and he kept saying it over and over. Of course that particular scene hits real close to home.

You have many emotions that have been hidden, blocked, and are unresolved. Yes, they will come out uncontrolably at times.

I know I wil change but I like being passionate. I like making love and I don't want that to change. I feel like I am at a cross roads in my life.

You can expect to go through periods where that will change because of all of the confusion between love and sex and other things which were caused by your abuse. You will be fine with all of it in the long run.

 

[fusionoflove]

My own prison,

Everyone's does recover at their own pace. The problem, I've noticied even within myself, occurs when I'm trying to rush things. There's a part of me that wants to just wake-up one morning and have it all over.

You're finding your voice right now. Allow things to come gradually, just try and let your thoughts and emotions flow like a river again.

I'm right there with you about sex. I'm 25 so you can imagine how amped I am to have sex. It may sound crazy, but everyone time I get bummed out that I don't have a girlfriend and that I'm not having sex I allow my sa to send me negative images of myself. That I'm no good, I'll never find the right lady, that I'm damaged goods. That's not the case.

I'm learning to differentiate between unreal and real feelings. The unreal feelings that I get come from the sa, not from my true self.

Yeah, Good Will Hunting, I can relate. I saw the movie a while back and just thinking about it makes me cry. That's a good thing. Don't fault yourself for having emotions and feelings.

Behind every negative image, thought, emotion lies a positive message. Let that be the thing that finds you.

Take it easy.
Fusion

 

[outis]

My own prison,

Mic Hunter's book is a good one. It was the first book on the topic that I used, too.

You'll be all right on this recovery road. There are ups and downs, and I don't believe there is an end. Can you imagine not acknowledging what happened and still being healthy? The past will always have some influence.

The good thing is that you're not letting it rule your present. It may struggle to stay on top in your life and in your mind. It may be an ugly struggle at times. Down the road one day, you will be able to put all of the past in its proper place.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[LupinIII]

Hey my friend...

...my libido has always been very high...I LOVE the sexual aspect of women too much (well my form of incest came from my mother..happy mother's day)..I think you don't need to change...you don't need to stop enjoying that pleasure..what needs to happen is for it not to rule your life.

I don't know if it does or not for you, but that is what I view as important.

As for your wife....what would be a happy medium? Is she willing to go for win/win?

 

[guy]

hi my own prison,
i think you are doing well to have your libido and i do wish you the best with your wife.
i have a different twist to me. my hurt, sorrow, depression, and anxiety- my t says and i believe i medicate myself with women. if not women, by myself and/or with other strangers on occasion in the past. it used to be drugs and sometimes it is alcohol now. it's all medication to me. now, when i don't have one cause i shut down and they hurt me or i hurt them, then i am devastated about it. it is my own lack of trust, insecurity, and not really loving myself that make me depressed when i do not have someone.
so now i am on a journey of quitting my patterns. trying to live by myself and quit needing women to make me feel good. i have to feel good about myself-of which, i never really have since my csa, just did not know it.
also, one neat book if you haven't read it yet is "the courage to heal". mainly for women csa's but the relationship part at the end could help both you and your wife maybe.
good luck, i am here stuggling along right with you, different things but similar in mind and body.
blessings, guy