Lost and dont know how to live anymore - Trigger Warning

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Mike G

I guess it all began when i was 6 or 7 years old. My uncle/Godfather raped me. I dont remember any of what he did to me. I remember what happened leading up to it and after. I dont remember being groomed for it but i remember i knee how to dress for him without him telling me. He wanted me commando and thats all i will say about that. I remember afterwards being disgusted with myself and my clothes. I remember stuffing the clothes to the back of my closet and i never seen them again. To this day i have no idea where they went. But none of that i remembered until i was 23 and fooling around for the first time in my life consensually. Right in the middle of it i had a flashback and i dont even know how to explain it. I should say that i am a gay. The rest of that day i was disgusted with myself. Not just for what happened as a kid but because for the first time i willingly acted upon my sexuality. I will get more into that later. I do not know if that was the first time it happened or if it was even the last. But i do believe there may have been more. I dont remember the grooming at all.

The next thing i remember is being molested by my oldest brother in our bathroom at our house. I was around 8. This time i never forgot what happened. I onky remember a couple seconds of it and i honestly think thats all it was. I believe he was just trying to see if he liked having me do that to him and i think he didnt so he left. For most of my life i told myself what he did to me was inconsequential and meant nothing to me. In fact i believed i enjoyed it. I have come to understand in the last 5 years that i am in fact not ok with what he did to me. That he betrayed me as a brother and as someone who was supposed to care for me. However in the years since i had the flashback of my uncle i know that what he did was far worse to my psyche. Not because of what he did or that he was my uncle but because i was raised Catholic and he was my Godfather. He was the man that promised to God that he would love me and protect me if my parents were unable. I know in society these days being a Godfather doesnt mean much more than the honorific because kids arent sent to then anymore just because they are their Godparents. And maybe probably it hasnt been like that since long before i was born but for me being my Godfather meant something powerful and wondrous. But anyways back to the topic. After my brother i believe i told my father. I dont remember telling him but to me it makes sense. I just remember his reaction. He screamed liar at me and punched me in the nose breaking it. I remember blood spraying everywhere and drenching my shirt. As a child it felt like i was bleeding for 20 minutes or 30 minutes but i dont know. It feels like that would be to much of a blood loss. But im not a doctor. Yet. After he hit me he said that if i ever told my mom he would kick all of us out on the street and my mom could never support us. So i stayed silent.
After that day and until i was 21 he routinely beat me and tortured me calling me every anti gay word in the book. He said he was gonna beat me straight. I didnt know what that meant. I was 8. I didnt know what homosexuality was. I have to constantly remind myself to this day i was only a fourth grader. And i have to look at a picture of myself at that age to understand how horrible it all was. Because back then to survive with my sanity i told myself i was evil and deserved it. And by the way i never was taken to the hospital for my nose. It was a clean break. And my mom thought my dad just tripped me or pushed me and i fell and hit my nose on the floor.
So as i said he called me every name in the book. He also told me that if i ever told anyone that i was gay or if anyone found out, even ny best friend, that they would tie me up and beat me to death with stones. To this day i am still terrified of people. Im deathly afraid of people finding out im gay. He also never stopped beating me. He never hit me again in a place it would be noticed. He punched me in the arms and shoulders, stomach and chest. He has also smacked me all over. Ive been kicked in the legs and chest. He once kicked me inthe side of the ribs on front of my entire hockey team. He was the head coach. Everyone seen and i fell down gagging and crying and nobody said a thing. Not the assistant coaches and not the refferee. All he said was for my dad to control his team. I have also had things thrown at me and been hit with things. He hit me in the shoulder and upper arm with a golf club when i was 20. He hit me in the right temple with a golf club (driver) when i was in my teens. I dont remember much of that time as upon impact my head felt like it exploded. My eyes went completely blurry and and stumbled around for a bit. And once again i was never seen by a doctor. And i didnt know it then but i began to slowly lose my hearing on that side and my right eye was knocked slightly out of alignment with my left eye. I still have perfect vision i found out a couple weeks ago i will still have to wear glasses the rest of my life to correct for the alignment issues. Since the impact i have had problems with dizziness, hand eye coordination and balance problems. I would constantly walk into walls and other objects on the floor. I also have severe motion sickness and going any faster than walking. But the eye doctor said that will be fixed with the glasses and so far it seems to be helping. I also developed light sensitivity issues and am severely photophobic in my eyes. I cant go outside without dark glasses. But im told somehow the glasses will help too. We shall see. I also just had surgery two weeks ago to finally fixed my deviated septum from him breaking my nose at 8. I have never been able to breathe this good since that event. Tomorrow or i should say today im gking2 to ask for a CT scan of my brain to check to see if there was any other damage. I also suffer from neuropathy in my arms and legs. I have constant back and neck pain. And my ribcage is damaged too. I also suffer from essential tremors in my arms and hands. Not sure if thats related to the abuse or from all the meds im on to keep me calm.
So onto the psychological damage. I have been extremely suicidal since i was 8. I never sought help until about 4 years ago. I am diagnose Bipolar, Major Depressive, General Anxiety with social phobias and C-PTSD. I suffer from disassociative episodes and psychogenic seizures caused from the trauma. Ive had no real friends since i was in middle school as i was afraid they would kill me. I have no clue how to talk to people or relate to anyone. I trust no one. Im single. Im terrified of sex because whenever i think about being gay and having sex i see my uncle and i remember it being a violent event and seeing red. I want nothing more than to be with someone and have a romantic relationship but im afraid they wont stop if i ask them to. And i cant bare the thought of being raped again. Id rather die. Im terrified of public bathrooms because both assaults happened in bathrooms. One at an air balloon show and one at home so i feel safe no where. I suffer from irritable bowel and gastroesophageal reflux disease. And i cant sleep because i have night terrors and im afraid to see my dad.
Ive spent my entire life being afraid to be gay and i see people that are open and happy and i wonder why i cant feel that way. I feel like havent i earned the right to be proud and happy to be gay. Havent i earned the right to not be afraid to go outside. Havent i suffered enough. And i know all these to be true but i just dont know how to live. I dread going to sleep and i dread waking up. I dont have a job and im broke from all the bills. I currently see a therapist and a psychiatrist for mental health. I see an eye specialist, a hearing specialist and the ENT for my nose. I see a chiropractor and massage therapist for my neck, back and ribs. And finally my general practitioner for the rest.
I also have two Bachelors of Business Admin degrees in Management and Management Info Systems but i can barely work because i cant escape the memories. Next year im beginning a Bachelor's of Science in Cognitive and Behavioral Neuroscience. I want to become a NeuroPsychologist. I want to study trauma and memory. But i am in so much debt from my first two degrees and credit cards to pay the doctors and insurance its all just to much. Im stuck living with my mom because it is suggested i cant live alone. Im a danger to myself. For me as a kid there was nothing that signified being a man more than moving out of your parents house when you turn 18. Well im 30 and im still here and i wonder if im even a man. Im still ashamed of myself for the abuse and the fact that i never stopped it. A man should be able to protect himself. And how about the fact i let it go on for 15 years. Does that mean i secretly enjoyed it. As a person studying science and the brain i know all this to be false but i cannotnstop wondering. And i cant ask God because i stopped asking for his help in high school. What God can allow children to be raped. What God would allow people be born into hatred. I was hated for being gay before i was even born and i had no choice in it. If i had free will all those times i prayed and tried to be straight i would have been successful.

Sorry for my rant there in the end but i just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know who i am as a person without first and foremost being a victim of my father and his brother. My father who promised to love me and care for me. My father who said to me one of the last times i seen him alive that he was sorry for failing me. Thst he should have beaten me more and much worse. That maybe if he beat me unconscious a fee times i would have chosen to be straight. Also my father who fled to California when he turned 18 to get away when his own brother was being raped and abused and they knew. Then when that same brother raped his youngest son he blames that son

Sorry i realize i have written so much but once started i couldnt stop.

Thank your for reading
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