Loss of my brother
I had a dream last night that I was burying my brother at his funeral. He had died and yet we were still talking, standing over his grave. I insisted on feeling the pulse in his wrist, because I could not accept that he was actually dead. But he assured me he was gone, and his lack of a pulse backed him up.
It's not too hard to figure this out. I spoke with him on the phone Sunday. He just bought a new house and I wanted to congratulate him. We haven't spoken in over a month. We spent exactly 7 minutes and 10 seconds on the phone. The fact is, when we were being abused, he got it worse than I did. But it was no picnic for me. He's one year older. We went through 10 years of misery together, though in all honesty I got the hell out of the house by the time I was 14 or 15, and he didn't escape until he was 18.
We have only spoken about the abuse once, the same day I confronted the perp years ago. My brother was very cool and understanding of what I'd done. It seems he always had a much better way of coping with it than I did.
In any case, we've never been able to get back into each other's lives. I've suggested a few ways to give us some time together. But it never quite clicks. In some ways, it would be better if one of us needed the other for a more tangible reason. But we don't. We're both self-sufficient and successful, outwardly anyway.
I guess on some level I'm feeling that the time for this relationship to heal is probably over. He's 42 and I'm 41. We are who we are, and I'm not really a priority for him. I don't mean to suggest we aren't on friendly terms. We are. Even warm on those one or two occasions a year when we see each other. But I had hoped that we could get closer and I can't seem to approach it to make it happen. I don't want to go screaming about how this should be apart of healing and recovery, because then he'll just feel like he's got to spend time with his "crazy" brother. And I don't want that kind of unbalanced relationship. I just wish we were friends, but I'm beginning to think that relationship is just one more casualty of the abuse.
It's not too hard to figure this out. I spoke with him on the phone Sunday. He just bought a new house and I wanted to congratulate him. We haven't spoken in over a month. We spent exactly 7 minutes and 10 seconds on the phone. The fact is, when we were being abused, he got it worse than I did. But it was no picnic for me. He's one year older. We went through 10 years of misery together, though in all honesty I got the hell out of the house by the time I was 14 or 15, and he didn't escape until he was 18.
We have only spoken about the abuse once, the same day I confronted the perp years ago. My brother was very cool and understanding of what I'd done. It seems he always had a much better way of coping with it than I did.
In any case, we've never been able to get back into each other's lives. I've suggested a few ways to give us some time together. But it never quite clicks. In some ways, it would be better if one of us needed the other for a more tangible reason. But we don't. We're both self-sufficient and successful, outwardly anyway.
I guess on some level I'm feeling that the time for this relationship to heal is probably over. He's 42 and I'm 41. We are who we are, and I'm not really a priority for him. I don't mean to suggest we aren't on friendly terms. We are. Even warm on those one or two occasions a year when we see each other. But I had hoped that we could get closer and I can't seem to approach it to make it happen. I don't want to go screaming about how this should be apart of healing and recovery, because then he'll just feel like he's got to spend time with his "crazy" brother. And I don't want that kind of unbalanced relationship. I just wish we were friends, but I'm beginning to think that relationship is just one more casualty of the abuse.
