Loss of Control


Member, Male
I have been having a very difficult time over the past week or so. After not masturbating, viewing porn, or having sex for nearly a month, everything just fell apart.

I hooked up with a friend who I have known for a very long time, and he and I had sex for the last three days. (I have had sex with him before, but not for awhile.) I don't understand why I want to have sex so much; I have even had thoughts of wanting to take it to another level and have my friend tie me up. I have never engaged in bandage sex; however, I had been tied up twice as a kid, but not for sexual purposes nor by choice. What is wrong with me? I feel so vulnerable right now.

Well you are fighting nature. Our bodies, hormones etc, drive us to have sex. The longer you go without the more you may need it. I think a month is very good run. Perhaps think of it like dieting, its ok to cheat once in a while because it keeps you from abandoning the diet or super binging.


With Covid fears, quarantines, and mask mandates, my sexual adventures came to an unwanted stop, for the longest time.

The desires, however, didn't abandon me; they plagued me. Whether by overwhelming weakness, or just I couldn't take it anymore, I recently dressed the part, and went solo to a gay friendly restaurant, wherein I connected with a nice gentleman. We both, had gotten the two shots, and he invited me to his room for the night. Although there was no bondage involved, there was no disappointment either.

I needn't punish myself with sexual abstinence any longer.


Setting limits on sexual activity is very tricky for survivors of sexual abuse.

I've followed a 12-step program for years now to deal with sexual addiction. One of the hardest parts was defining what is healthy sex and what is addictive sex. But it can be sorted.

Please remember as you tackle this that you deserve love and compassion as you work through it, not judgment, condemnation or shame.

Take care.


Any behavior (including sexual behavior) can become addictive/compulsive. There is a cycle of addiction (emotional trigger, craving, ritual, acting out and guilt). Your description of events sound like your attempt at abstinence may be guilt driven followed up by an emotional trigger, cravings, ritual, and acting out, now followed up by guilt again.

First off, there is nothing wrong with you. If your sexual activities are causing you stress and anxiety you may be dealing with sex addiction/compulsive behavior. Just like alcoholism, it is a disease that needs treatment. There are also 12 step groups that deal with addiction, I know SA (Sex Anonymous) exists in the USA (S-Anon.org) and they have a virtual meeting platform.
Second, bondage and other sexual fetishes are far more common fantasies than many people believe. I would recommend you learn more about potential safety issues and how to protect yourself before you participate especially if you are dealing with addiction/compulsion behaviors which can fuel even more risk-taking behaviors that may also be linked issues around your childhood experiences.

Know that you deserve love and respect. You are worthy. It is okay to ask for help.

The Bluefoot

After reading what you said TW16 and the responses from everyone I realized I am very lucky. Yes I was sexually abuse many times as a child and as a teen. And most likely will never know why. But it was always one sided. (Trigger warning) I could get hard but never cum. I assumed it was because I was turned off at the time, then later in life I thought it was because I was gay and the other boys in the room were not my type. Nope. I had Klinefelter Syndrome. My body does not make Testosterone. Once I took HRT. I was horny all the time. And jerked off like a racing teenager 3 to 5 times a day for 24 years, until the blood clots got so bad it almost cost me my right leg so I had to stop it. Now not taking HRT for almost 2 year so during covid no sex drive and I have not missed a thing. My leg is getting better. I have come to the conclusion sex is over rated. I think it causes to many problems in the world. Maybe we leave it for making babies and reveling stress. Just my opion.
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