Losing time, losing myself, upset and scared, maybe triggering

[Leosha]

I lose of myself again tonight, for hours I am talking at someone on here, and I am not myself, she not know of that. And I actual talk at someone else during that time, and I do not remember of it, it is making me crazy. I do not know why I do this, I understand why I not remember of last weekend, but not knowing why I am so much losing myself. I am so much scared of myself now, of who on earth I am now, I feel I losing my brain, losing myself total. I guess, from what these two people say, it is not like I 'become' as someone else, I just am myself, but different maybe emotionally. One person say I seem more scared or younger somehow. But, she say maybe when I have the flashbacks, sometimes I feel I am younger during them, and other times I am me, as I am now, and knowing more it is flashback. Other person, she say that maybe is like that too, that my answers are shorter, and typing changes.

I do not know how to deal of this. One person say at me that I am talking as I want to die when I am like that, in that place. And really, I feel I not want to die, I do not want to give up of this, I do not want to let them win me of this. But I am scared, feel I have to fear of myself even. Do not know what to do. I am already on maximum dose of the Risperdal, which is what she put me on for the flashbacks and panic. I try the other medicine she give me to use 'as need' for panic attacks, and it not helping. I do not know if there is medicine to help this or not. I am just scared, not know what to do.

Leosha

 

[jwh]

Leosha,

Brother, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. It sounds so familiar to me. For so long I couldn't even touch the hurt child within me, I just felt like he was crying behind a door and refused to let me in. Then, when I was able to encourage him enough to open the door, I felt so overwhelmed with terror . . . I still struggle with that, I will feel intense arousal followed by horrible shame that is intense enough that it feels suicidal, though I do not really want to kill myself. It's just so unbearable, it feels so unbearably cold, and I feel so used, filthy and abandoned.

Something that has helped me get out of the panic is what my group therapist always reminds us of: we are not in danger now. We WERE in horrible danger, and are feelings are totally real and totally valid, but when we look around and remind ourselves where we are now, that we are adults and our perpetrators are long gone, we can start to come back.

You are a courageous, beautiful person who never deserved to be hurt the way you were. And you can heal, slowly, just as all of us can heal. But it hurts, sometimes it hurts SO BAD.

I hear you,
Jeff

 

[MM]

I will feel intense arousal followed by horrible shame that is intense enough that it feels suicidal, though I do not really want to kill myself. It's just so unbearable, it feels so unbearably cold, and I feel so used, filthy and abandoned.

Man, I've been there... it's the most terrifying feeling in the world, knowing IN ADVANCE that after feeling aroused I'll feel like shit, so filthy and ashamed. I can't give you any good advice because it's something I'm struggling with too. But it helps me I have somebody to talk about it to, so I'd say to you to not keep anything inside you, even if it's just writing about it it's better than keeping shut.

And yes, IT REALLY HURTS A LOT.

 

[The Dean]

Leosha, I suggest that you call the physician who prescribed the Respirdol for you and tell him/her what is happening. It sounds like you could be having a side effect of the medication.

You are in therapy too, so call your therapist. Professionals very much appreciate it when you let them know if something as strange as this happens.

Leosha, flashbacks usually do mean that we go to the place and time when we were assaulted. So if you were 14 you will feel like you are 14 and powerless. It is a really awful experience. Thinking you are younger would not surprise me then. And it is possible to have a flashback and still be typing on the internet.

I hope you contact your MD and T as soon as you can.

Bob

 

[Mike Church]

Leosha listen to Bob. He is exactly right. There is nothing wrong with you. Brother you are new to this and things will happen and they are horrible and hurt like hell. But, like everything in life, they will pass. You hit some shitty bumps thats all. No insanity just big effen hurting bumps

Love