Losing respect for family


I think you all know about me mother and her overall controlling nature as well as the castration anxiety due to it. When I left and went with my dad I thought my stepmother was more trustworthy and like she rescued me along with my father. Now she's never been as bad as my mom but I'm starting to realize that she has a bit of a problem with men too. My stepbrother has gotten into that way of thinking about how misandry doesn't exist and how International Men's Day is misogynistic, which is just plain factually ignorant tbh. I actually think they are pretty wilfully ignorant which is exacerbated by them pretending to be so open minded. I'm Autistic and have mental health issues that I don't think I would be up to be a parent. In 2012 the idea of dating wasn't anywhere near my radar screen, and the way I was feeling then, even if it had been there was no guarantee a future partner would even be female. But on my birthday she asked my caregiver (who was pretty disgusted) to talk to me about getting a vasectomy. I found it completely inappropriate that she even seriously entertained that thought in her own head. There was a meeting involving her, my caregiver, social worker, therapist at the time, and doctor. I apologized to them for wasting their time but they weren't upset. Except for her, everyone knew it was just a performance to get her to shut up about it. I still haven't told anyone but if it had continued any longer, I would have ended the relationship, even though I promised my dad on his deathbed to have a relationship with her. Over the years there have been other incidents, often on or around my birthday. It's even more painful than my mother because she was like someone who picked up the pieces. Especially the vasectomy thing is sensitive to me, even though I agree I shouldn't have kids. I've lost respect and trust for her and sometimes have a hard time taking her seriously as an adult. Anyway I'm conflicted. I'm coming to realize my real "mother" growing up was either my teddy bear or my nanny. Now I'm not a stuffed animal but I always identified more with my nanny and her friends more than my own family. Unfortunately that woman is dead. I've also had feelings about my own boundaries being selfish, and things I've done making me not have a right to boundaries and have wondered lately if people would be better off if I were dead. And of course the penis shame. Writing this helped me a lot and I can't wait for therapy on Wednesday.
PedroPedro, I gravitate to many of your posts because of similarity of experience. I chose not to have children. In my 30s and 40s, I focused on self-care and healing. Now entering my mid 50's, I am comfortable in considering raising children. I'm confident in self-knowledge and have experienced enough to be level-headed.

Blessings to you on your journey.