Losing Ground
Hello, brothers. I am also spinning out of control. I have sunk into the place of self-pity and acting out. It started last week when one of my closest friends moved from DC to Baltimore, where I live. In fact, he and I are sharing a new apartment/house that will be a good thing for me since I am very lonely in Baltimore. I moved here a year ago for a new job and have done nothing to make new friends in the city.
Anyway, this friend of mine gets high on pot all the time which is a weakness of mine and part, I fear, of the problem for me. I usually get hornier when I use pot and then I begin to act out. I hope I can control my use but my behavior is usually very compulsive and intense.
Combine this with how miserable I feel right now about having lost my partner, Mark, because he left me over one month ago so that I could "heal". I keep blaming myself and adding to my sense of guilt and failure. I don't understand yet how this happened to me and how to get better. I also fear that my ex partner is also really a SA but he has used my admitted incest as an excuse for himself to return to acting out.
I envy all of you who have partners that are willing to see you through this mess as long as the parameters of your relationship are set and understood. It seems that my relationship with Mark we avoided discussing what the terms of our seeing each other were and that he pulled out before he gave me a chance to commit to healing, and now I am hurt, angry, frustrated and heartbroken over what has been sacrificed without a chance to make it work. I have made so much progress in the last four years of therapy, and it is only now that I have found a specialist in SA and incest that I feel I can move forward.
But somehow I don't know how to reconcile the healing for myself. How can my behavior of acting out change if I feel hopeless and worthless and not having any sort of relationship to work toward.
It's all so complicated and I am unhappy about how much I have allowed myself to "slip" into old behaviors. I need to get control of this, but my heart aches so much about my present life I am sometimes considering giving up entirely, too.
I continue to read from the sidelines, but this week has been very bad for me - with the almost 30 inches of snow we got last weekend, I was "stranded" for three days with no way to work and my therapy session got cancelled due to the weather, which made me even sadder and more desperate.
Help me find strength to carry on, brothers. I hate being a victim of all of this.
Anyway, this friend of mine gets high on pot all the time which is a weakness of mine and part, I fear, of the problem for me. I usually get hornier when I use pot and then I begin to act out. I hope I can control my use but my behavior is usually very compulsive and intense.
Combine this with how miserable I feel right now about having lost my partner, Mark, because he left me over one month ago so that I could "heal". I keep blaming myself and adding to my sense of guilt and failure. I don't understand yet how this happened to me and how to get better. I also fear that my ex partner is also really a SA but he has used my admitted incest as an excuse for himself to return to acting out.
I envy all of you who have partners that are willing to see you through this mess as long as the parameters of your relationship are set and understood. It seems that my relationship with Mark we avoided discussing what the terms of our seeing each other were and that he pulled out before he gave me a chance to commit to healing, and now I am hurt, angry, frustrated and heartbroken over what has been sacrificed without a chance to make it work. I have made so much progress in the last four years of therapy, and it is only now that I have found a specialist in SA and incest that I feel I can move forward.
But somehow I don't know how to reconcile the healing for myself. How can my behavior of acting out change if I feel hopeless and worthless and not having any sort of relationship to work toward.
It's all so complicated and I am unhappy about how much I have allowed myself to "slip" into old behaviors. I need to get control of this, but my heart aches so much about my present life I am sometimes considering giving up entirely, too.
I continue to read from the sidelines, but this week has been very bad for me - with the almost 30 inches of snow we got last weekend, I was "stranded" for three days with no way to work and my therapy session got cancelled due to the weather, which made me even sadder and more desperate.
Help me find strength to carry on, brothers. I hate being a victim of all of this.