losing control

[mh]

Screwed up royaly this morning. Accused my wife of sleeping with one of her guy friends. She was ready to pack. I cant keep doing this. She said It was the first time she has really been afraid I was going to hurt her. We talked this afternoon. She says she can see what she calls the Beast, taking over. I think that I have pushed her over the edge. It all seems so pointless without her and our little boy. I got an appointment with a pyschiatrist next week. Only thing I could find that my insurance covers. I've got two people arguing inside. The voice in my head, the beast, and the one in my heart, the quiet one. When does this end. Im afraid I've let the beast loose and wont be able to control it again. It's taking over. I aim everything at my wife. I think because she is so close, and because she is the last one to have hurt me, by breaking my heart. I want to be a whole person, get a secind chance. The voice in my head says to forget it, pack the truck and lets get drunk for awhile. I just keep driving her away. She says its my defense mech, drive her away so she cant hurt me.
Ok. I just needed to tell someone else. I hope seeing a professional will help.
Sorry for the ramble. Just had to tell someone. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world today.
mh

 

[Michael]

I know how you feel. I catch myself losing control also. Enough that it caused my boss to give me written notice that if it happens again I am in trouble. I was going to fire someone because thaey did not follow my instructions from the day before. A valuable employee, but he deserved a talk, not being fired.

Again, this morning I got angry at my wife when I shouldn't have. It seems like I am failing more at everything since I started therapy. My atrial fibrillation has returned, so maybe something wil happen and I want have to face this shit any longer. Nobody really cares anyway. Maybe they do, but it is so hard to think that any body cares without some ulterior motive.

I know that the only thing I have that to hold onto is my family and my dog. Nothing else means anything.