Looking to find a reason why Im am angry at my Father....

Looking to find a reason why Im am angry at my Father....
L

Lando

Registrant
hey guys,

i just had a thought come over me today after i visited my dad at work. I get this agry feeling towards him each time i see him, and im wondering if it has something to do with my past abuse when i was 9yo. The thing is my dad is there for me. He has supported my mom with child support. But evertime i see him i just can give him the respect that all other of my friends give their father. In my eyes i see him as hiocytical, liar, un caring toward other people who arent his friends, he is two faced around certain people. I think he is a pushover when it comes to anyone else but me, i could never put him in his place if i tried. he angers me! why cant i just get along with him. each time i think these thoughts about him i feel soo guilty afterwards. im very confused about this issue...dealing with abuse is hard enough, but with my dad its even harder.
Anyone have insight or can relate? by the way im 20yo, and am in the early stages of rcovery and dealing with these strong emotions..

thks

Lando
 
Well Lando,
I definitely can relate to this.
I noticed that I am always nervous with my father for unknown reasons. He is very nice and carrying person but I have something like hole instead of love feelings toward him.
Sometimes he hugs me but I am feeling like ice cold. I also sometimes do not have respect at all to him.
I am wondering if this is just my imagination or might be there some repressed memories.
Maybe I am just angry to him because he didnt notice that I was badly needed his protection during my molestation?

PS. I wish you the best in your recovery.

Ivo
 
Lando
at 51 I still have a cold relationship with both my parents, and I was abused outside of my family.

They don't know about my abuse, and it's way too late to tell them now; they are in their late 80's and my mother wouldn't understand ( dementia ) and my father has enough to think about,knowing about my abuse would do no good.

The reason for the cold relationship is ( I think ) due to me feeling that I wasn't properly protected by them, even putting me into the abusive situation by sending me to boarding school.
I know 99% that they would have taken me away, my mother was a fearsome woman who would have raised hell. But it's something I'll never know for absolute certainty, it's something I'm prepared to live with.

I'm not sure about your story, but this feeling of not being protected by those that should have protected us is something I hear other Survivors talk about, and it's something that if you are still young enough can be resolved - obviously when YOU are ready.

Dave
 
Hi Lando,

You will discover in time why you feel angry with your father. For me it was important to remember that feelings are neither right or wrong, they are feelings and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

If you dont get along with him thats okay, its not what a son wants but its your reality, you dont have to respect him, respect is earned it is not a duty. Your anger does not come out of nowhere.

I remember thinking I was wrong and abnormal to dislike and not respect my father but there are reasons for these feelings.

Rustam
 
You could have these feelings for any number of reasons. It is something that you will probably figure out in time. As for hypocracy, you can find it everywhere and in everyone if you look for it. There is no reason to go searching for it. If you do, you will only find it in yourself too.
 
Lando,

I can identify with that feeling.

I met my dad when I was 23. He treated me well, but there was always something there I couldn't put my finger on.

Now I know what it was. I blame him for leaving me. Because if he had not left, my step-dad could have never gotten to me.

I could tell I wasn't the son he expected, even though I was his first. He's dead now and the only regret I have is that I can't face him and ask why?

Marc
 
Man 'o Man, fathers and sons...now there's a subject.
I realize that you're maybe wondering if he had anything to do with the abuse that you suffered. He certainly was responsible for your vulnerability, even if he wasn't doing anything abusive. That can be enough for some of us to be resentful and have a tough time with our fathers.
Now, if some of the abuse was at the hands of our fathers, well, that complicates our recovery, to say the least.
I could say that my father's demeaning nature toward me set me up for the sexual abuse to come. You know, the Candy Man with the compliments, just waiting for a needy kid like me. God, that still makes me uncomfortable to say that. I sacrificed half of my life protecting my daughters and I may have abused them with all of the yelling and voice commands. I did have 7 years of psychiatric therapy during those years but we never spoke of the abuse that I suffered at the hands of that 8th grade teacher.
Was that my dad's fault?...he just wanted me to know how to do things and his constant correcting of anything that I tried really wore me down.
I'm sorry that your father doesn't realize that he's got one terrific son. He's an adult. Of course, he was then too, but older now and should know better. If he wants to have anything to do with you in your life, now...besides the child support thing, I mean, then he's got to step up to the plate. Don't hesitate in talking to him. Does he know what happened to you? Would he be sympathetic or get all defensive and think that you're blaming him?
These are such real things that you're talking about...I'm encouraging you to face them head on...you might be more the adult than your father.
Good luck, Lando,
David
 
Hi Landon

Welcome to MS.

I broke off all relations with my father a little while back, my mother passed away in the mid seventies. My father was a very controlling individual, materialistic to the point of neglecting his duties as a parent. I got no support or encouragement (let alone emotional support) from him although he wanted me to be a high achiever. He forgot his duty of protection thats what pisses me off the most and I could not talk to him, nevertheless I tried to offer the olive branch as a means of futhering my recovery from booze and drugs but I still got no encouragemnet or acknowledgement.

He sent me a rather large sum of money a few years ago, I now see this for what it was, he was trying to buy me off, unfortunately I accepted it as I'm unemployed becuase of my mental health record, but If anything comes of this book I'm hoping to get published (and there have been a few positive developments over the last few weeks with regards that). I will send him back the money and go ahead with the plan to change my surname to that of my maternal grandfather who I adored but he died just before I fell into the hands of my abusers.

Today I depise my father and I know a son should not feel this way towards his father, but I'm afraid this one does.

However it is not all doom and gloom one thing my father has taught me by his inactivity was this. I listen to my step grandchildren and I will be there for each of them (I have four) till my dying day

I know you will find the support you need here, I did.

regards

Archnut
 
Lando,

just my input, based on what you posted. You mentioned that he is good with child support, etc. So it would seem he was not present in part of your growing up? Maybe it is resentment, based on feeling abandoned, and feeling that, if he were there, maybe the abuse wouldn't have happened. Of course, I have no idea the details of your growing up family life, that was just what I was thinking. I could be all wrong (and often am). Good luck Lando.

leosha
 
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