Looking in the Mirror

[Cecilia]

My husband is having such a difficult time. I am trying to look hard at myself and see if there are ways that I enmesh myself with his life and his path so that I can avoid some sort of awareness of personal responsibility within myself.

I know that I have been incredibly selfish, self-centered, childish and unwilling to give up my sense of entitlement to certain indulgences in my own life. I want so much to be a responsible, caring human being and I doubt my own intentions when it comes to my husband all the time.

I had to put down some pretty clear boundaries, again, this past weekend and it is so difficult for me to do this. I feel as if I am wounding my husband by doing this.

I have been saying to myself lately, "I am out of control!" and I meant it as self-recrimination, then I realized it was the acknowledgement of a truth: I am not in control of his life and his choices.

Sometimes I wonder if I got involved with a survivor because I thought there would be LESS at risk. As if, because we had similar pasts there would be less risk of being hurt. I suppose that's what codependence is, huh.

I feel like my children's nerves are just beserk these days. I feel like I have forgotten how to parent.

It's a rainy morning and I'm in the library trying to study. I guess I'm just kind of whining. I did get on to my school's moot court team, which I was very proud of.

I wish my husband saw my efforts to normalize our life and to embrace success as a good thing. I don't mean material success. I just mean waking up every day and knowing that you are trying to participate in the world in a positive way. He doesn't see it that way. I think for some reason he feels I have sold him out because I don't want to just "hang out."

He tells me I've never been his friend????

The friends that he likes these days are the ones that want to just hang out . . . and smoke pot, drink, reject the world.

I've tried to be his friend.

Cecilia

 

[sweet-n-sour]

Cecilia:
I feel for you. I'm guessing your husband is looking for friends to reject the world with because it is his way of numbing the pain and escaping his troubles. It is very important for you to set clear boundaries and work to improve yourself. Maybe he will see the positive change and step up to do the same.
"I know that I have been incredibly selfish, self-centered, childish and unwilling to give up my sense of entitlement to certain indulgences in my own life. I want so much to be a responsible, caring human being and I doubt my own intentions when it comes to my husband all the time."
Remember not to be too hard on yourself. If you feel there is an area that needs improvement; it's up to you to make those changes.
The thing about "I feel like my children's nerves are just beserk these days. I feel like I have forgotten how to parent." really hit home. It seems like for months now my husband's troubles have taken center stage and our children have taken a back seat. This concerns me because I feel this leaves our kids vulnerable. When my husband was a boy he may have become vulnerable to his abuser since his parents were focused on the alcoholic parent and most of their time and attention was centered on that issue. In the world of now, we are focused on husband and his road to healing. I'm worried that husband and I will fail to stretch ourselves enough to be there in full capacity for our children. Kids need so much time and attention in this crazy world. We can't go back in time to do anything about my husband being abused as a boy but yet we can't allow our own children to fall into the same vulnerability that may leave them open to the same fate. I pray this does not happen to them but it is a genuine worry that I hold.
Before my husband disclosed his csa, I felt more like a mother figure to him than his wife. It was as if he no longer had the desire to be responsible or no longer wanted to have fun with us. He found various reasons for escape and to shut us out. I feel partly responsible since I should have set boundaries years ago and demanded we go to counseling...but hey we can't go back. I hope we've learned from the past in order to move forward in better form.
Well, that's all I wanted to say. You have my support and I didn't mean to ramble on here.
s-n-s

 

[beccy]

That's interesting what you say about not being focused enough on the children S&S...

I relate to that in the sense that I think that is an easy trap to fall into. It can be so hard though can't it, when one parent falls so low, that the other has to also take care of them? I think to a degree, the healthier person of the two has to mainly concentrate on the welfare of the children. Us adults have to learn to take care of ourselves sometime.....

Cecilia,

could it be that you feel you've forgotten how to parent, because you may be re-assessing the ways you've done things? So, that would kind of put you in a transitional phase, where you're less sure of your parenting skills. Also, your self esteme may be low from the way your husband has treated you, and that can affect how you see yourself as a parent too.

''I think for some reason he feels I have sold him out because I don't want to just "hang out."

What did you mean by 'hang out'?

Also what do mean here,

''I know that I have been incredibly selfish, self-centered, childish and unwilling to give up my sense of entitlement to certain indulgences in my own life. I want so much to be a responsible, caring human being and I doubt my own intentions when it comes to my husband all the time.''


I definately think I got in a relationship with a survivor because he seemed less of a threat and I didn't even know we had anything similar in our pasts!

I know exactly what you mean about laying boundaries and then feeling terrible guilt, like you've been mean Stick to your guns! It's NOT being mean, because it's the truth. I think it was Larry that said to me in another post, ''he needs to learn that this = that''. A very good way of putting it!


Keep taking good care of you Cecilia,

peace
beccy

 

[SAR]

Sometimes I wonder if I got involved with a survivor because I thought there would be LESS at risk.

I definitely perceived "less" risk for me by being involved with someone who had a poor record of following through with things and meeting his own needs well. I was terrified of being abandoned and felt safer with someone who I thought was not as inclined to leave me. At the time, putting up with his weird neediness and push/pull behavior, and all the stuff he left undone, was more acceptable to me than being with someone who didn't need me so much (and therefore might leave).