Looking For Some Support

[Mia]

Hi. I am new here. I am involved with a man who was seriously molested by his mother and her boyfriend as a child. He suffers from serious PSTD and serious sexual incapacity that has him suicidal. This past week he attempted suicide for the second time in a month. I just spoke with a family member who let me know that he's having a really bad night tonight. I am afraid for his life and ultimately frustrated. I want to do what's right, I just don't know what that is anymore.

D's been to way too many therapists, most of which did little or no good. Unfortunately, instead of continuing to search for a therapist that could help him, he's quit going to therapy with the blessings of his family. This bothers me. His dad is a PSYCHATRIST!! He KNOWS his son needs help yet he chooses to turn a blind eye to how great the need is and how deep the problems go, instead leaving D to flounder on his own and be cared for in a serious episode by one of his older siblings. This is way too much for his brothers and sisters and even more far reaching for D because he wants to be independent permanently, he wants to live a normal life, but his obsession with the sexual dysfunction brought on by the abuse horrifies him to such a point he doesn't feel that he can live. It's a vicious circle of which I am now a part and I truly DO care for this man. When he's not having an episode, he's sweet, loving, and very special. I want to do whatever I can to support him, I'm just not sure what that is right now. Does anybody here have any suggestions?

 

[Lloydy]

Mia
you're in an unenviable position there, the family ( especially the father ) seem to be in 'control' ( for better or worse )
If D is serious about his recovery, then he has to make some choices. There's no use other people making them for him.
Others can help and support for sure, but dragging him into something he doesn't want wont work I'm afraid.

If you look through the links at the top of the page here you'll find a link to therapists that might show one in your area. I can't recommend any as I'm in the UK. but a good therapist who specializes in CSA is the way to go.

In the short term, would he come here and listen to a bunch of guys who've "been there and done that" ?
We might not have all the answers, but we do have support and help.

The backbone of healing is I think finding our own way through it, we need help and guidance for sure, but it has to be done our way.
Only then do we regain our self respect and all the other stuff torn away from us.

Keep asking questions here though, we will do what we can I'm sure.

Dave

 

[phoster]

Dave has said some very wise things. finding the right therapist is critical, and difficult as I understand it. Im not certain someone not specializing in this is going to be very effective. The rape crisis lines are a good place to find them, if there isnt one here. At least you get someone familiar with sexual trauma that way, or perhaps chidrens services could help with someone who understands child sexual abuse.

Im not sure finding the right person will help if he has written off all hope though. sometimes, no matter how much you want to and love someone, you cant help them. lets face it, there comes a point where he has to do the work, and you can only watch from a distance and offer what support he will accept.

Protect yourself darling. It is hard watching a loved one going under, and not being able to help. you can talk and beg and plead, but in the end, it is up to him.

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by Mia:
This past week he attempted suicide for the second time in a month. I just spoke with a family member who let me know that he's having a really bad night tonight. I am afraid for his life and ultimately frustrated.

Mia: I come from a family with a suicidal father.

The advice given to you by the previous posters is all good - there is only so much you can do to save someone from themselves. You can "lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink" is very appropriate here.

If you are truly afraid for his life then you may consider drastic measures, such as calling the police, or having him committed to an inpatient psychiatric facility. It certainly does not sound like the outpatient resources he has are helping at this time.

I have done this once in my life for my dad. Was tough at the time but I truly believe I saved his life.

Our relationship now is no better no worse (it has always been difficult and sometimes abusive) than it was when I had him committed in 2001.

However, the big thing for me is that I dont have any guilt on my conscience if he had been successful with his suicide attempt.

Amazing that your partner's dad is a psychiatrist - but then again that does not surprise me too much. Nothing against psychiatrists here, but I am always amazed at how some people in the "helping" professions can be so blind to the issues in their own backyard. In my case, my mom is a special education/behavioural specialist teacher and she could not see the crap that was going on with her own kids (both my brother and I hve had major relationship, social and depression issues).. and where it was coming from!! She could see it clear as a bell in her students, but not at home. I have an ex boyfriend who's mom was a community health nurse but she had no idea why her own son was depressed.. as I'm learning more and more about SA, I'd say that she was at minimum, emotionally molesting him.. go figure.

As a partner of a SA survivor (as well as growing up in an abusive/alcoholic/drug-addicted/suicidal family) it will be really important for you to look out for yourself during these times as well as for your partner. There is a risk that his issues could totally overwhelm the both of you leaving BOTH of you depleted. Keep in mind while you do love and care for him, you are NOT his therapist and should not try to take over that role.

With respect to the shame, guilt and other issues that your partner is facing.. if you could get him to start writing on here.. that would be an amazing first step. With respect to sexual dysfuncion, this is something that his VERY common to SA survivors. Writing about this on here, your partner would NOT find any reinforcement of shame or guilt here - I'm sure there's NOTHING that has not been discussed here in a totally frank and open manner. There are guys on here who have been to the depths of hell and back.. and have a LOT of similar stories, support, a lot of "been there, done that".

I know for a fact that there are several men on here who feel that this place saved their lives. If you could try to get your partner to at least come on here and do some reading, maybe post something, maybe that could help crack open the "release valve" enough so that he's not a suicide risk - in the interim at least!!

P

 

[Mia]

Thank you for your replies, I greatly appreciate your advice. I'm certainly going to encourage D to come here and talk with you all. It's something he really needs.

I probably shouldn't have come down so hard on his family, they really do love him and have his best interest at heart, they just have their own lives, their careers, and it seems that many times they're too busy to care about what D is going through.

He has one brother that he lives with that does the bulk of the care taking and I fear his health is beginning to deteriorate because of the stress of dealing with D during bad times. Just today he commented that since this last suicide attempt, D has NOT been himself and can't seem to snap back, not to mention at times he seems to be disassociating to the point of hallucination.

I'm taking everything you said to heart, it's all important and necessary in order to deal with the situation. Yesterday was hard, though, I was so upset with the situation. I honestly didn't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is hurting, and he fears rejection so much, just the wrong word can upset him and make him think that I don't want to be in his life. I don't want that for him.

Thanks again. As I said, I'm going to really encourage him to visit here.
~M

 

[SAR]

Mia

Therapists and family members and everyone else, even if they have D's best interests somewhere in there, have their own interests, and like it or not, that comes first for many people. Including family members. Including therapists. Therapy that does "little or no good" does DAMAGE.

I'm not happy about my boyfriend's decision to avoid therapy, but I understand it. I know what kind of courage and trust it will take for him to set foot in another therapist's office, unfortunately I know firsthand. I think there are a lot of folks out there who know too.

I hope I can give my boyfriend a foundation of trust so that even if he gets burned in therapy again at least he will be able to come home to something safe. I hope I can show him enough of what we could be, healthy, to motivate him and get him to work up his courage and try again. Basic trust and the possibility of a healthy relationship aren't much but they're more than he's had with anyone else in his life. Parents, teachers, therapists included.

I mean no offense to anyone else's recovery process or to any of the many sensitive and brilliant helping professionals here. I'm just trying to say to you, don't get caught up in his going to therapy. If you can help him get on a path to getting better, do so, without worrying too much about what that path looks like, at least in the beginning.