looking for some help/answers

[lookingforanswers]

I am in desprate need of advice. I believemy husband was abused by his mother as a child and he has it repressed. From the beginning hubbys mother was very ill suide attemts all the time she treated husband VERY different then others which hubbys sister verifyed.She was mean and cruel to him saying he was the reason she was tring to kill herself when hubby would find her in pools of blood when my hubby was 12 his mother successfully commited suicide. Soi met my hubby when he was 40 he is now 51 we had sex all the timefor the first year. Now we dont have sex at alland havent in almost 8 years he says he has no desire and he has also told me that after hes been with someone for so long the thrill and excitement isnt there. This hasnt been just our poblem this has happened with any long term relationship he has been in. So my brain says because his mother wasnt around for a long period of his life that may be why the thrill of something new leaves and he has no desire to sexually be with them. Maybe i am reading into this to far but i no his sister wonders the same thing. Maybe he has this repressed so deep inside it hasnt came out or maybe he knows and is to ashamed to talk about it. Has anyone went through this before? Afterall this time I am about ready to move on because I have a stong sex desire that isnt being fufilled by hubby but if it is a sexual abuse as a child problem i want to help him through it and stick it out. Sorry this was so long but please help.

 

[dwf]

Hello looking,

And welcome to MaleSurvivor. This family and friends forum was created exactly for the type of questions you are asking.

I hope it will bring you the understanding if not the answers you are seeking.

I want to encourage you to stick around and read. There is an extensive collection of material resources related to male sexual abuse. At the top of the page, under professionals, there is a rubric Articles. Click there and you will find much information.

But most importantly what I have found here is the experience, strength and hope that others have shared with me. Believe me, there are others who have felt the same as you.

As for your specific question, I think as you read others stories you will see that you are not alone. Indeed, sexual abuse of males causes a tremendous disruption in all areas of life; particularly acute in the areas of sexuality and intimacy.

These are complex problems; not really amenable to most self-help or do it yourself type efforts. Almost always, professional mental health professionals prove to be invaluable.

If your husband is not ready to look for help, then I would encourage you to 'lead by example', and seek some comfort and assistance for yourself.

In that way, you will be in a better place to help your husband and will be helping yourself.

If you need help locating mental health resources that are experienced in male sexual abuse issues, it is possible that some here will be able to help with that also.

I am sorry for what has brought you here to this place; but am glad that you have made available to yourself the help and assistance that this place has to offer.

It is possible to recover from the effects of sexual abuse; I know, because it is happening for me. So, you see, there is hope.

Come back and read or post as you like.

Regards,

 

[Wifey1]

Looking,
** caution could contain triggers **

first I have to echo what Danny says. Especially the part about getting some help for just you. IF your husband was abused by his mother then you need a support group just for you. You could suggest marriage counseling also -- but just from my gut feelings this is what I have to share.

I come from a very large family. I have 2 biological sisters and 6 biological brothers. Only ONE brother was severely abused. Each of us were abused but this one brother was so abused to this day we dont know if his brain damage was something he was born with or if it was something our mother caused abusing him.

Social Services did not get involved in our family case (even tho i had a sis run away & report repeatedly) UNTIL this brother was thrown from a 2nd story window into moving traffic. This would have been during the early 1960's -

It could be that your husbands mother singled out your husband BECAUSE he was the only male and emotionally abused him or physically abused him. I'm not saying that these are lesser abuses, or one is worse than the other, only that it is very possible that it seems that there is much more going on in the whole picture than what seems at top.

I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself, and your marriage.

Sex is important in a relationship, however many people find ways to fill that intimacy without actually having sexual intercourse. There is hope for your relationship.

I dont know if I helped any but I did want to share that there are many possibilities that may be going on -- Husband may even be having some physical problems he is too embarrassed to talk to you or a doctor about ??? Perhaps encouraging him for a "general physical" may open up some doors for communication also?
Peace, Sammy