Looking for New Job Anxiety

[Indy]

I am struggling with a part of the SA that I did not expect and would like to get some feedback.

My response to the abuse (and that my father had gotten severely ill prior-my older brother was my perpetrator-for some reason at the same time I totally disconnected from my mother) was to feel that I needed to take charge and have control so I could make things right. Unfortunately I was about four when this started.

This translated to taking jobs with progressive leadership. I was always moving up and the leadership and work filled a void for me. I became a workoholic and thought I had to solve everyone's problems. I finally left because I was burnt out. I went back to school. I have returned east to New York City and I am looking for a job.

Now I am looking for work and my experience is in leadership. This process has been a very difficult one. The void I filled with work is now not filled. While I have friends, intimate sexual relationship have been almost non-existent.

I went to an interview yesterday and completely lost the ability to sound like I could take charge. Work was always my comfort and now that seems gone. Was it an anxiety attack? Will I regain my ability and desire to lead? Extra anxiety comes from needing the job-

Any thoughts? suggestions? I truly never learned that I could trust anyone and now I find that issue surfacing. Has nayone faced this in some way? It is overwhelming.

 

[Rustam]

Hi Indy,

I am not sure that I have much to offer but Ill give it a shot. Being abused often causes to feel over-responsible and it makes sense to me that the loss of control over the abuse can lead us to try and gain control in other things in our lives. The disconnection with your mother could be about her failing to protect you. I know that I was furious with mine and acted that out so that she saw me as a bad child.

I overworked in a caring profession and became a compulsive helper, I burned out in that as I was trying to meet the needs of others without being able to meet my own. The work certainly helped up to a point at masking my own pain.

I am only guessing but perhaps as you are being more real and feeling more, the in control mask is slipping. You may not need that defence mechanism as much as you did to protect you from your feelings now. If thats the case its a positive thing even if it is painful and difficult.

Whatever skills you gained in work are not lost. Looking for a job is always stressful, maybe it was a one off with the interview.

Sorry if none of that fits for you.

Take care,

Rustam

 

[Aden]

Indy,

When I was young, I was required to step-up and take on more responsibility and maturity than were natural to may age. I had a forced emotional disconnect from my mother, and my older step-brother was my abuser.

In my work life I have always risen to unsought positions of leadership and authority. It is not that I want to lead. It is just that I do lead. I cant really help it. For several years I tried to avoid holding a leadership roll because I was burnt out. But now I am back at it again. Just cant seem to be anyone but myself.

Yes, those job interviews can sometimes be unsettling. And sometimes the reason for that is because the interviewer is a jerk. When an interview goes badly, it isnt necessarily because you lost control. Or if you did lose control, it might well be because the interviewer was someone that you would never want to work for or represented a work philosophy that would be wrong for you.

Needing Job Anxiety can lead you to taking the wrong position. But then sometimes there is no choice but to take what you are offered. Where possible, lower your expectations for physical comfort rather than take a job you know is wrong. A lower paying, less responsible job can often lead to greater satisfaction in your personal life. I could be making a lot more money. But I dont need as much as I have, and I dont want more stress and insecurity.

Develop interests outside of work. Get a hobby. Enjoy long walks and stop to look in Art Gallery windows.

Aden

 

[grendyl]

I find my life mirroring some of the experiences listed here, although I never thought of all these things as related. I hope you find a solution to your problems.

 

[Bobby]

Indy, I was also a workaholic for most of my life. Sixteen hour days were not unusual for me. (For four months of the year they were literally every day.) Now I have retired from that job and need another one. I made it through one interview but cannot force myself to go to another one. I feel like there is no job that I can handle and the thought of interviewing for a job freezes me in my tracks. I won't admit this to anyone as I am completely embarrassed that I'm such a wuss, and feel like I have absolutely no abilities to do anything. I have lots of self talks. Only trouble is, my self agrees with me completely. Good luck in finding a postition. I think I may be ready to give it a try again. Bobby