Looking for light in the darkness and confusion

[tna2016]

Hi everyone

I am a 35 year old man, married, with a lovely 3 year old daughter. I write here because the pain and confusion becomes unbearable now. I have been carrying a burden: of not being true to my wife, and not being able to love her the way a man ought to.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my eldest sister at the age of 9. She abused me sexually for around a month, before I finally threatened to reveal it to my parents. She made me do all sorts of dirty stuff, and even as I write, I can feel the disgust going through my mind. Whenever I remember it, I am filled with shame, guilt and fear. I find it hard to even think about it.
I don't remember when, but I gradually developed same sex attraction towards fatherly looking men. Probably I was looking for comfort and fatherly love while my father was distant and emotionally unapproachable. I have no interest in getting physical with a man, but the feelings just don't go away. I really don't know if my sexual abuse caused my same sex attractions, and it causes a lot of stress and confusion.
I am currently struggling with intimacy and sexual issues in my marriage. My wife knows about my sexual abuse (not my same sex attractions, though) and she has been supportive so far, but I hate putting her through this pain. Though I get aroused with her, it takes a lot of effort and is never spontaneous as with the men I am attracted to.
Really, this is grabbing the majority of the thinking I do, and it is affecting my sexual life. I really don't understand where these feelings have crept in from, but I would like to overcome this sexual confusion, and replace it with deep and eternal love for my wife, who is the rightful recipient of my love and care.
I hope someday I'll be able to break the barriers to our love and togetherness, and become the husband I am meant to be

I wish all the best to all fellow survivors..

 

[manipulated]

tna welcome. You are not alone in any of your experiences and will find supportive caring survivors here to talk with. I was abused by an older man so not the same history but share exactly how the SSA (same sex attraction) started consuming my thoughts, interfering with my marital relationship and has nearly destroyed my marriage. Run don't walk to an experienced child abuse therapist. Keep posting sometimes letting it out is the hardest and most crucial part. There is hope, healing and you are not alone.

 

[tna2016]

Dear manipulated

Many thanks for your encouraging words and kind support. It feels comforting to know that I am not alone in this journey. I wish you all success in your struggle.
Will keep posting

 

[focusedbody]

Tna:

The confusion from childhood abuse is difficult to analyze without some help and patience.

The "blind spots" are the hardest. I find that they leave me in places familiar but empty. Reaching out to someone as best you can is a good place to start.

FB

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi tna,

I've experienced similar feelings. I was abused by my mother so women tend to stir up fear along with attraction in me. I typically feel safer amongst men but also abandoned because they have little to no interest in the nurturing type interactions which are so crucial to my healing process and which I crave so strongly. Non-sexual touch is very healing for me and difficult to obtain through men. Women are better but they trigger a longing for more which is almost insatiable and usually inappropriate to the connection.

More recently, I've been experiencing a deep rage at people in general. Sometimes it's triggered by women. I fear the depth and intensity of my anger I feel sometimes. I wonder if your attraction to men is partly your fear of getting in touch with your anger at your sister. I certainly fear my own sexualized rage spilling over on women. Typically I repress it completely. It shows up in symptoms of body distress.

Best wishes to you on your recovery. I hope my thoughts are of help to you.

Sincerely,

GAATT