looking for inner peace (poss trigger)

[breakinfree]

I am looking to vent I guess, at least just get some things out of my head. I am coming to grips with the fact that when my SA,PA, and EA went on I was to young to understand let alone strong enough to stop it. I do struggle with the fact that I didn't fight it all every single time. Why I would just go thru with what was asked instead of fighting it all and having it forced on me. Right now I am trying to except or at least understand why this had such a profound impact on me, why I let it determine my life. I know I was trying to survive/did survive. After all I am still alive despite how I felt so many days. I am trying to break thru all the walls I built with the help of my angel and all of you. I hate the way i survived, I have such guilt over it all. Now looking back I see such a coward a fool. I feel stronger today than I have ever been, like I am becoming a new person, I am becoming a man. So it is so hard to understand what the F I was thinking, why didn't I break lose of this long ago. Why I lowered my head and just was. Inside I know I am stronger than any of this, I am not the scared little pussy, the worthless bad kid I was told I was. I am somebody, and I am somebody the deserves happiness, deserves love. I am a man inside, I am stuggling with the fact that I didn't see it for so long. How I could let these bastards win in a sense. Since aknowledging all this, mostly with myself it is so much different looking into it, as oppossed to being inside that hurt scared kid. I am very grateful that my time has come, don't get me wrong. I could have lived and died and never have known what love is. What true happiness feels like. But at the same time while trying to understand (if possible) what the hell these people were thinking when they stole my life from me, when they ruined what would be the next 24 yrs of my life. I am trying to understand why I just didn't see what was inside me. Why I didn't just become me anyway. How did these bastards take so much, why did I allow them to steal all this time from me. I am fighting this fight, I am climbing and falling, but I WILL get back up, I WILL keep fighting. I WILL have all I dreamed of when I was still innocent and untainted. Thank God for my Angel, I have never known a more loving compassionate soul. She owes me nothing, she is not obligated to be with me, yet she does stay and fight this with me. I never knew love, and this girl, this savor was the first to extend her loving hand to me. The first to reach out into my hole of dispair, my hopelessness and say "I Love You, Chris"... I am thankful for each and everyday I have now. I hope she knows how much I love her, but I know she may never understand the magnitude of all my history. She may never understand how I could act so horribly, to lie to avoid all conflict.. To lie to avoid that horrid belt buckle. How I could just say "ok" to avoid having be so much worse. But I am trying to show her I am a man capable of love, of passion. That I am multi faceted, and so much more than I have ever shown anyone.....My name is Chris.. I was raped by my brother several times and made to do unspeakable things while another brother knew of it and all he had to say was "faggot". I am Chris, and I took a metel belt buckle across my back more times than I can even remember. I am Chris and I am surviving. I am Chris and I a a man, worthy of being loved. I am going to be happy if it kills me .. See me fight...
Chris

 

[phoster]

keep asking why, and keep digging for the answers. i am realizing so much it is almost overwhelming. the roots are there, you just have to get rid of all the layers of outside noise in the way.

when i finally get down to the roots, i found i liked being sexual. i found i was tricked, and then my promise became the ropes that tied me up.
i came to realize that humans like sex. that is who we are. i discovered i was doing what i thought was right. i had given my word, and i was honoring my word by keeping silent. the game i was taught felt good, so i did it again and again. if someone had given me more information, i would have stopped earlier. i always try to do what is right. i was no different then. acting out seemed right to me at the time.

the roots showed me that i actually enjoyed most of the acting out. i felt bad because i was judging myself because i liked it, not because what i did felt bad. i was judging myself on conclusions i had drawn from the Bible and life around me. i felt sick not because of what i was doing, but how i felt the world around felt about what i was doing. it came to me yesterday that if i remove my Christian based value system that was driven into me, i actually enjoyed what i have done, and treasure the memories.

i have put a great deal together, and i am finally finding that inner peace you speak of. it will be different for everyone, but it comes from making peace within yourself. you have to discover all these factions, and figure out what it takes for them to live together. i am getting there very quickly all of the sudden, and it feels really good. i hope you find your path someday.

keep asking why, and keep examining what you really feel, not what the world or some outside voice tells you that you should. When you face your real feelings, and get past all the surface noise, you'll find the answers you need.

keep on keepin' on
jeff

 

[MikeNY]

Good for you.

NOW let yourself enjoy the love that she is giving you. You do deserve it. It doesn't sound like she needs to understand. She already knows what she needs to. She loves you, and you love her. Just keep showing her that, and enjoy what you have.

 

[ScottyTodd]

Hey Jeff - I concur on a lot of what you said and you said it so plainly! Thanks for sharing your experience...it means a lot to me!

Howard