Looking for help

Looking for help
M

Mike L.

Registrant
Hi everyone.. I'm Mike and I'm from Tustin, CA, originally from Connecicut.

Being 24 years old, I suppose I am relatively young compared to most of the users here. About three years ago I first disclosed the sexual abuse I went through as a child and teenager to a girl I had been dating. The extent of the abuse I went through was tramautic but at the same time I feel as though I still supress the feelings and tell myself, "it wasn't that bad" when logically I know it was.. I hope that statement makes some sense.

I started to see a therapist and psychologist but stopped after about 2 months. Today, three years later, I feel as though it still effects me on a day to day basis but certainly not as much as a few years back or growing up.

I believe the abuse started when I was about 4-5 years old. The perp. was my older and only brother who is 7 years older than I am. It lasted until I was 16/17 years old. How it lasted that long really bothers me. I guess it sort of became normal and he and I were really able to hide the secret real well.

I guess I'm here for support and to find out how I can get help. I feel as though this is a big step for me since I am still relatively young with a still a bright future ahead of me. I graduated from UCONN May of 2004 from the School of Business there and have had a relatively success career in marketing and sales. I am blessed to have a loving girlfriend for the last 3 years now. About 3 weeks ago I finally disclosed to her the abuse (not in as much detail as I hoped.. i'm still very much embarassed by the abuse) and she was supportive. My parents have no clue about the abuse but know there must be a real good reason why I will not communicate with my brother anymore. I suppose I am scared to tell them and also afraid on how they'll react (be it anger or disbelief or perhaps downplay it..)

I guess there are a lot of uncertaintys in my situation and looking for help to find some. Please help... Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated.
 
Also, can anyone suggest where and how I can find a professional to speak to about this? Perhaps a database or if anyone knows any doctors in the L.A/Orange County area of California..

Thanks
 
Hi Mike,

Welcome to MS. Go Huskies!

Sorry that you had to experience what led you to this site but know that we are a nonjudgmental bunch and will be here to offer as much as you'd like us to.

A couple of suggestions, please make sure of your emotional and physical safety as you start your healing process. It can be tough but it's encouraging to read that you are a young 24 and have a loving girlfriend at your side. She may want to spend some time on the friends and family portion of the board.

There is an article on disclosing and confrontation posted on the site. I would suggest that you check it out.

If you want to take a trip over to the members side we have a great guy who will be disclosing to his parents this weekend. He has been so generous as to post what he's been going through since making the decision and we have high hopes for him this weekend.

Take your time and when you feel comfortable with posting we'll be here for you.

On another note, the public side is a bit more free form than the members side. There is much more focus on healing and recovery, not to say we can't have some fun now and then.

Regards,

Zipser
 
Under the resources menu on this site there is a find a therapist. I don't know any others. I am only assuming the one on this site is good, no personal experience. I am sure there are others out there as well.
 
Luckily my employment healthcare provider was able to refer me to quite a few providers in my area that can deal with my history and situation.

I set an appointment with a conselor/psychologist for tomorrow. Let's hope she can lead me down a better path.

In your experiences, does it realyl matter if I see a woman versus a man?
 
Hi Mike, welcome to MS and well done on making the brave step on your first posting. I remember mine (Ive only been here a few months) and how nerve wracking it was (for me anyway).

By the sound of it youve had a read of some posts here as you mention how many guys here are older than you. Mike, thats an absolute bonus for you. You get to work through issues that have taken us many years to arrive at and THEN work through. As Im sure youre seeing already, awareness on how your abuse has affected you is a big thing, then how to recover and move on from that is another big and ongoing thing.

You mention so many things that I can relate to, and in fact youll find that so many of us guys in here can relate to as well. Thats what is awesome about this site and the community of guys here. Im aware BIG time that I am a master at suppressing things and Ive only just started seeing a professional psychologist or therapist (a T). That is showing me even more repressed stuff. Your thoughts on how this affects you on a daily basis also gets a big me too from me Mike.

My (only) older brother also abused me from age 4 to 11 and the thoughts on how it could have lasted so long are part of the shame (and your innocence). That, like many other issues will resolve themselves in time. Thats why youre here.

Disclosing to your girlfriend was a big thing to do and the detail or lack of details that you went into is completely your choice. You need to disclose to whomever you wish to and at what level of depth you feel comfortable with. Mike, your boundaries were violated when you were abused and trust was stolen from you. You need both of those back in your life and so its important that you call the shots and gain some of that control back.

Im from Australia so I cant advise you on the nearest location of a T in your area but there are links on this site for may Ts in America. The other guys who see your posts and request for info will do doubt reply soon and give you some help in that area. In the meantime, and as well, I would heartily recommend that you read some books on male childhood sexual abuse. Ive read a few on sexual abuse in general but they tend to deal with womens issues. Abused boys and recovering men have gender specific issues that need to be dealt with. Again youll find some links on this site listing many books on the subject. They have helped me tremendously in understanding the abuse setup, the betrayal, the abuse itself and not just the sex; thats only a part of the abuse for anyone, and how that affects your self image and your views on maleness.

Welcome here Mike. Keep reading, keep posting and I wish you the best as we all get to know you and you get to know us.
 
Hi Mike,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I am so sorry for the events of your childhood and youth. I know first hand how devastating it can be to a person's life. There are a bunch of good guys on this site that care deeply about what happened to you and are here to offer you the support you seek, as well as be supported by men such as yourself.

I understand about being scared to tell your parents. I've not worked up the courage to speak with my parents yet either. I think that has to be a very personal decision made by each survivor based on his own set of circumstances and the ability of the parents to "hear" what is being said. Whatever you decide on that issue, make sure you are taking care of yourself first, and that you are ready for the ramifications of making such a disclosure.

I would suggest following the advise of your therapist on the issue of disclosure to your parents or others. There is an excellent article on this site about disclosure but I can't seem to ferret it out and give you a link. Perhaps one of the other guys can provide that for you.

I cannot offer help on therapists in your area but there is an excellent article on this site regarding how to select a therapist at this link Selecting a Therapist

Again, it's good to have you here, Mike. Hang out with us and post when you feel like it, or not. Read the posts and get acquainted with us. We're here for you whenever you're ready to talk. If you have a question you'd like to ask but don't feel comfortable airing it for all the world to see, you can send any one of us a Private message by clicking the "envelope" icon above our post or by clicking the private message option on our profile.

Take care of you, Mike.

Courage my friend,

John
 
Originally posted by Mike L.:
In your experiences, does it realyl matter if I see a woman versus a man?
Click to expand...
Mike - as you have asked the question, if it matters to you then it matters to you.

For me, as my abuser was a male (and I know yours was too) I am only comfortable working with my female T. Other guys abused by guys are ok with male therapists. Whatever you are more comfortable with is the best choice for you.
 
Thanks for the reply Perth.

One of the main reasons I prompted myself to open up to help again is sexual problems with my girlfriend. In fact, I've had pretty serious sexual issues for as long as I can remember all stemming from teh abuse I received growing up.

I lost my virginity to a girl when I was merely 13 years old and have been highly sexually active since (with only girls). From the ages of 18-21 I went through a phase of questioning whether or not I was bi or homosexual since I could only climax or get into the sex about half of the time.. I've come to the conclusion I am not gay but that the abuse is what probably causes my sexual dysfunction at times. Have any of you experienced what I talk of?

Recently I had a doctor prescribe me Cialis which certainly helps but I want to attack the problem at the root not just cover it up with a med.

When I first disclosed my abuse to therapist she suggested I take medication to treat the depression I was going through at the time (breaking up with a girl I really liked and coming out witht he abuse at the same time) but jumped off the meds because I felt like it was making it worse. Since then I do not feel depressed anymore (due to things various things in life that make me happy such as work, girlfriend, sports etc.,) so I will never take anti-depressants again.
 
One thing I've noticed over the years is that I was always unable to open up to other males (I'm guessing because the perp was male) but I've become much more comfortable around men. I suppose when I was goign through the phase where I questioned my sexuality.

I am now able to look at men in the eyes and not feel awkward and am able to open up to them about myself much more. Growing up I felt as though I only made friends with females. Now I'm able to make friends with both pretty easily.
 
Hi Mike,

Welcome to MS. Congratulations on seeking out a therapist. Many things you've shared resonate with me. I've had trouble in the past, I'm now 33, opening up more to males than females (I had a male perp, cousin, and two female perps, baby sitters). My abuse occurred when I was 4 and 5 years old.

I live near you and did a recent search for therapists. I'll PM you with what I found and who I chose.

I've also looked extensively for support groups in our area ... I'll share with you in a PM what I found.

Anyone else in the Southern California area who also wants the information ... just PM me.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
I know where you're comin from. Im 24 and my brother did the same to me from age 5 to age 12 or 13. It is very disturbing but your therapist can help with that. The more you talk about it the better you'll feel. First thing, i feel that it is very very important to tell your parents. Don't rush into to this because it can be emotionally intense. You may find this shocking but you must know that its very possible that your parents may try to say you just made it up or they may try to minimize it. My mom asked me if I was on drugs when I told her. Staying calm and focusing helps to maintain control of the conversation. I don't know how you feel about your parents as far as this is concerned, but, is it possible that deep down you are mad at them for letting it happen and not protecting you. I would put some thought into that and I would confront your parents before you confront your brother. I confronted my brother before I was ready and I about kicked his ass and all that did was made me look like the asshole. Believe me, take your time. Talk to your therapist. Answers will come. Don't rush your recovery. Just remember, you are exactly who you need to be and where you need to be. Good luck.

jason
 
Mike, I just wanted to clarify a few things that were said in a reply to your post. Sometimes we can read a response and not read it properly or get emotionally sidetracked and misinterpret what was said.

Im referring to what endlessjourney (Jason) said about disclosing. He says it correctly in that you do need to take your time, work with your T and only do it when youre ready.

Id like to add to that, and perhaps this may be seen as a correction to what endlessjourney said sorry Jason. He stated that it is very very important to tell you parents. I have to disagree with that. Assuming they are alive and contactable and you disclose you may not get the response you are wanting. You may get rejected and not believed, you may get blamed or YOU may be seen as the perpetrator by non-understanding parents. All of that Mike can do more harm than good.

Im not saying the opposite; that is dont tell. Im saying tell if you want to, dont tell if you dont want to. I just think it will be a unique situation for each person. Disclosing should be about you and your recovery not other people or issues that they may be facing. You may never disclose to anybody or perhaps only to some.

Mike choices were stolen from you with your abuse. You have them again. Its up to you.
 
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