Looking for feedback
I'll just get down to the details of what's going on lately.
I'm in a survivor's group that meets once a week and will until the end of June. Being in this group makes me think about things and have a heightened sensitivity to my childhood issues. I had a revelation one morning after reading Mario Bergner's book Setting Love In Order. There is a chapter in there on other-sex ambivalence that really came in handy for me. The next morning I had a revelatory moment.
Background: Some of the abuse from my mother involved a lot sights a child should not have to deal with. One of those was seeing her urinate in a parking lot at a store one evening. Other times she would use our drinking glasses - I have memories of her just casually sliding a glass up her dress and dumping it out in the sink when she was done. How messed up is that, when the bathroom is but a few feet away? Then there were the stupid weiner dogs that she sickeningly endeared, while treating her kids like dogs. One of those mutts peed a lot in the house and I was one of the lucky ones to clean it up. Between all this stuff and a childhood "friend," I was exposed to quite the urinary culture as a child. So it's no wonder I took to acting out with this. The interesting part is the connection I made recently....
It occurred to me that most people act out in a way where they are trying to form some kind of relationship in their reparative drive. Some of you can correct me on that if I'm wrong. I always thought of myself as this absolute freakshow who acted out bizarrely. I realized that in fact I am still seeking a relationship even in this strangeness. The relationship is the twisted bond I have with my mother in my heart. Being subtley rejected by her for being male, perhaps even for being born, not having her acceptance or affirmation, part of me is still seeking that in behaving weird like she did. So, I guess I'm still seeking a relationship with her I never had. Part of me still wants to have a mom.
The next step is recognizing and grieving the losses. Those were her affirmation, her acceptance, her protection, her role as mother and as wife.
I would never say I had it bad like David Pelzer, but I pay his story a little homage by saying my mother tried to do a David Pelzer with my hand on the stove. My sister stopped her before I got burned, and I lover her a lot for that. So, you can see mom and I were not really what I would call connected. Part of me even today will take what little mom I can get. She's still mom.
My next goal is to break this unhealthy bond and grieve those losses so I can finally grow up.
My T thinks I'm on the right track.
Thoughts??
I'm in a survivor's group that meets once a week and will until the end of June. Being in this group makes me think about things and have a heightened sensitivity to my childhood issues. I had a revelation one morning after reading Mario Bergner's book Setting Love In Order. There is a chapter in there on other-sex ambivalence that really came in handy for me. The next morning I had a revelatory moment.
Background: Some of the abuse from my mother involved a lot sights a child should not have to deal with. One of those was seeing her urinate in a parking lot at a store one evening. Other times she would use our drinking glasses - I have memories of her just casually sliding a glass up her dress and dumping it out in the sink when she was done. How messed up is that, when the bathroom is but a few feet away? Then there were the stupid weiner dogs that she sickeningly endeared, while treating her kids like dogs. One of those mutts peed a lot in the house and I was one of the lucky ones to clean it up. Between all this stuff and a childhood "friend," I was exposed to quite the urinary culture as a child. So it's no wonder I took to acting out with this. The interesting part is the connection I made recently....
It occurred to me that most people act out in a way where they are trying to form some kind of relationship in their reparative drive. Some of you can correct me on that if I'm wrong. I always thought of myself as this absolute freakshow who acted out bizarrely. I realized that in fact I am still seeking a relationship even in this strangeness. The relationship is the twisted bond I have with my mother in my heart. Being subtley rejected by her for being male, perhaps even for being born, not having her acceptance or affirmation, part of me is still seeking that in behaving weird like she did. So, I guess I'm still seeking a relationship with her I never had. Part of me still wants to have a mom.
The next step is recognizing and grieving the losses. Those were her affirmation, her acceptance, her protection, her role as mother and as wife.
I would never say I had it bad like David Pelzer, but I pay his story a little homage by saying my mother tried to do a David Pelzer with my hand on the stove. My sister stopped her before I got burned, and I lover her a lot for that. So, you can see mom and I were not really what I would call connected. Part of me even today will take what little mom I can get. She's still mom.
My next goal is to break this unhealthy bond and grieve those losses so I can finally grow up.
My T thinks I'm on the right track.
Thoughts??