Looking for advice, ideas...

Looking for advice, ideas...
S

Solo

Registrant
I've known my friend, I'll call him Sid, for just over a year. We quickly became very close friends, we have shared interests, laugh a lot, and talk about anything and everything. He's a loveable, kind and honest man, he's the best friend anyone could have.

Or so it was......

A few weeks ago, he told me about his past, how he was sexually abused for many of his childhood years, looking back he'd tried to several times before but anyway, he was open and honest about what had happened to him and though I was very shocked, I felt it explained things about him, like his reluctance for physical contact (I'm a natural 'hugger', he will do it too, but I've often felt he'd rather I didn't sometimes). Anyway, sorry this is a bit lengthy and confused, straight after he'd told me, we were fine, if anything closer. Then after a couple of weeks, he became more distant and has now, virtually disappeared. From seeing him more or less every day, he has to come to my workplace each day anyway, and daily texting, phoning etc, we have hardly been in touch at all. I've tried texting, he does mostly reply, in a fairly brief way. I saw him about a week ago, we talked a bit and although all his body language was saying 'get out of my life' his words were saying we're fine, we're friends, nothing's wrong. I was and still am very confused. I am fairly insecure myself, which doesn't help.

I want more than anything to continue this amazing friendship, and to be there for him if he needs me but how long do I wait before I accept he doesn't want me around? I know this is impossible to answer!

I know he has never had any professional help with dealing with his abusive past, he says it is in his past and he has dealt with it. He also says he will never have an intimate relationship again which is so sad and I guess perhaps this means he is not as 'over it' as he would like to think.

I so want to think there is hope for our friendship, I appreciate that he must have trusted me a lot to even tell me, but all his actions now tell me that maybe he regrets even telling me.

I'm sorry for this mixed up post, I am scared of losing him, I desperately want to do the right thing and I guess I just want to hear others thoughts and ideas.

Thank you for reading,

Solo
 
Hi Solo,

I myself have passed (well, actually still I am passing) through a very similar situation - I have posted a few times here on the subject. So I heartily understand your feelings and emotions and fears.

In my own experience, since his disclosure my male survivor friend alternates long periods of silence and rejecting to short periods where he is willing to have contacts with me. And during these latter moments, he is now so open and honest like never before his disclosure. Our relation has grown silently, its improved and I am experiencing with him a complete new way of interacting, which is less frequent but more profound. In a way I feel I should thank him for his push&pull because he has forced me to face my own fears of abandonment (I am a CSA survivor too) and to learn to not let them overwhelm me. Despite all the pain and difficulties, I now consider these latest months as a gift of life to me.

I believe that a disclosure is both an arrival and a starting point. It means there is trust in the relation, but then the same trust gets soon questioned by the survivor together with the previous assumptions about personal boundaries, because that's how the healing process works. Times and personal paths are different for each survivor, but the core of the process is the same: rebuilding one's personal boundaries.

I had a terrible time when my friend disappeared. I was terrified to lose him. Despite my awareness of the necessity to leave him alone, I was scared to give him instead the impression that I was abandoning him. I had to proceed by tentatives trusting my gut feelings and my knowledge of my friend's personality in order to find a balance. So basically for months I have mailed him once every 3-4 weeks for giving him news about myself and reassuring him I was always supporting him and that in any case I was available to listen to him if he wanted so. Slowly, with difficulties and some episodes of bad interaction, we have started to find our way to build a new relation based on even deeper trust and openess.

My male survivor friend still disappears for weeks when he is overwhelmed by pain or life issues. The difference now is that he has explained me openly why and how it happens, so I can somehow better manage the situation emotionally. I keep an opened channel for communication, and I spend his "silent times" taking care of myself and reflecting about my own needs and fears. I am sure that only taking care of myself I can have hopes to be able to walk this pattern alongside with him. And to go on in my own healing process, which is a parallel tough issue for me...

Actually its not easy to go in therapy, I am talking for personal experience. The only way to make a therapy work is to ask for support when one feels ready. A moment before it would be useless if not damaging. Trust your knowledge of your friend, and trust him too.

I hope my personal experience could let you feel you are not alone, Solo. Despite contrary apparent evidences, there is hope, and things get better after getting worse. It's a sort of dance between bad times and good times. It's so tough to live with them, but it's the only way to let the healing process to go on at one's personal pace.

My advice is to respect absolutely the space and time your friend needs, but taking care of yourself at the same time. There are few resources around for F&F, but this website and some books can help you. I would suggest you particularly to read "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew (if you buy it from this website, you sustain at the same time MS): it has a whole chapter dedicated to F&F of survivors. I like to share anyway here its final words to F&F, they have helped me: "trust your caring and include yourself under its umbrella. Good luck".

Abby
 
Dear Abby,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, it means a lot. I think you are very brave to stand by your friend and to have gotten this far along the path together, he must think a great deal of you.

'Sid' is still distancing himself, I've texted him a couple of times and he's replied, in a fairly brief way but I'm pleased he hasn't shut the door completely. I still haven't seen him but I guess only time will tell if he will 'come back', I so hope so. I just hope I am strong enough to hang in there for him, I feel so guilty for feeling hurt when I know, rationally, it's him that's in pain.

Thank you again for taking the time and trouble to reply, it has been really helpful.

Take care,

Solo
 
Hi Solo,

thank you heartily for your kind words. But I am afraid Ive given you the impression to be a better person than who I really am though. You know, there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the situation because I love this guy and sometime I feel hopeless and I miss him so much. But I know this is HIS healing process and he must walk his path as its the best for HIM. MY healing process is taking a parallel but also different path actually so I wonder sometime where and how all of this would end. But I try to listen to that little part of myself which is willing to discover it. It took me a long ride to reach the point I am now, and I hope everyday to be able to be strong enough to sustain the dance.

If your friend has disclosed to you for his own initiative, I am pretty sure you have a special place in his life. But maybe now he has started to doubt himself and his own boundaries, because surely he has let a very important one down with you. Distancing from you is likely a way he needs to have time and space to understand himself. And in the meantime to test a bit you in order to see if you are able to hold on. So, about the kind and frequence of your contacts with him, I have no other suggestion than to respect his silence as much as you can, but to respect yourself too when you feel worried for him or willing to share something about yourself with your friend. If you are always honest with him, I am confident you both will find your own way to keep and develop your friendship. Remember that for survivors trust is the main issues.

But never believe that your pain is less important than your friends one. Pain is pain, and its important in itself. Its a feeling, and its YOUR feeling: the most precious thing you own, because its YOU. Feelings are feelings. What changes is what we decide to do with them, how we decide to act on their basis. Thats our responsibility and I mean our as a human being, not as a survivor only. So its anyway extremely important that you take care of yourself. It can be a powerful positive input for your friend, and its essential for your soul.

Abby
 
Solo and Abby,

I have a friend who is non-csa. I was avoiding him for a few months almost 2 yrs ago.

I told him 1 night what was going on and that I might not call or want to do stuff with sometimes.

He calls or leave an e-mail for me telling he is thinking of me, can when u can. He has not put pressure on me at all.

What a true friend. I have known him 4 over 9 yrs and he has not talked much about his personal life much, but once I opened up he began to open about himself and what is going on with him. Our friendship has gone to a deeper level since this has happened to me.

He has a girl friend and we talk about those issues and it is great to share going both ways.

Solo: It is going to take sometime 4 this to happen and there is no timeline, it depends on your friend. Never ever give up on him, souds like both of u are really friends. :)

Healing_inside
 
It could be a number of things Solo.. we carry around a guildt and fear that is very heavy, it could be that he feels he has unfairly burdened you with his problems, and feels guildty about that, it could be fear of rejection, so he chooses to reject you first so it doesen't hurt so bad, or simply that he's not quite sure what to say to you now that the big bad secret is out..

I have no way of telling which, really, it could be one thing or a combination of many things, but either way he's probably scared, feels guildty, or both.

All you can do is be there for him, even if it is hard right now, and ask him whats going on, try to find out what insecurity is causing him to be distant and work on it, aslong as you are straight-forward and honest you cant do him any wrong.

Best of luck!
 
Thank you everyone, for taking the time and trouble to share your stories with me and to offer advice. It all makes complete sense and I hope that I can continue being there for my friend as and when he needs me. We did see eachother yesterday, there were other people around but I tried to show him that nothing has changed for me and that I'll be there for him whatever. It went ok, I think, he needed my help on a very practical level and it was fine. I guess that is as much as I can do at the moment, you have all given me the confidence to keep in touch with him and to hang in there for him.

Abby, I appreciate what you said about my own pain, I now realise that if I am needy and 'weak' he is less likely to lean on me if he needs that, I just needed reminding and I will make more of an effort to keep myself strong. Thank you.

healing-inside, thank you for your openness, I can see now, that my friend could well be wishing he could say the same to me. He has had spells of distancing himself before his disclosure and we have talked about it a bit, but I can understand now why it is more difficult now I know.

Grobut, so much of what you said rings true, I guess it is a a combination of all the things you say, to some extent. He was brought up in a family who are loving and straight talking, but they don't do talking about feelings; you 'just sort it out'. My friend has said to me that he finds it hard being open about his feelings but that since we've known eachother he's begun to see it might be a better way of dealing with stuff, I always talk about what's on my mind (!!) and he said a while back that he is finding it easier. I guess it's just that when times are really hard it is easy to revert to old patterns.

Anyway, thank you all, so, so much, you have no idea how much your support means to me. I feel I have much more courage to support him and 'hang in there' no matter what it takes,

Love to you all,

Solo
 
Just thought I'd give an update, it helps just writing things down....

My friend is still fairly distant, a week ago we had to work together daily over a few days. It came out of the blue really but he seemed to cope ok, even managed to have a coffee at his place afterwards, once or twice. It hasn't felt like the right time to ask what's been happening for him, his body language is still quite 'withdrawn'. He made references to us doing things together 'soon' (like going to the pub etc). It sounded to me as if he did plan on staying friends.....

Then, the minute we no longer had to work together he disappeared again, I heard nothing from him for a few days. I began to feel he didn't want to 'come back'. Last night I had to phone him about work, I was a bit hesitant but after a few minutes we were back to chatting about all sorts of things like nothing's ever been wrong. I am so confused. The overwhelming feeling I have is that I want to be there for him but how do I KNOW that's what HE wants if he can't/won't talk about it?? I know no-one can answer that! :confused:
He seems to find it easier (safer, maybe) to communicate if we're not together physically,(email, texting etc.). Is this something other people have found? I really don't want to back away completely for fear he will interpret that as rejection, so I guess electronic communication is one way of keeping the door open? Or does it put another barrier in the way?

I'd like to hear what anyone else thinks?


Thanks,

Solo
 
Yes Solo, I have been experiencing a very similar attitude from my male survivor friend since his disclosure. I know that overwhelming feeling and fear you are talking about for yourself. Just like the push & pull behaviours: being close and closer everytime we get in touch followed by quiet immediate distancing for a while (normally weeks).

I guess this push&pull has something to do about confusion about boundaries and feelings: sometime survivors need to be alone to elaborate what happens in their life and in their soul. They mostly they need to be respected in their desire. Some survivors fear to be rejected too at the same time, so F&F need to find THEIR own balance in the communications. Unfortunately, there's no sure answer in my opinion and it's a matter of trying and pay the maximum attention to survivor's response.

In my experience, e-mail is a great way of communicating: it allows time and space to elaborate what to write when one feels for it. As a survivor I personally have a bad relationship with telephone as a means of communication, but my male survivor friend has quiet a phobia about it. So we have naturally chosen e-mail as a normal way of communication. Sometime I remind him that I am available to listen in addition to read from him, so he knows he can phone me in case he likes but is free anyway to decide if to accept my offer or not.

Its part of the healing process to re-build our boundaries, and it happens that often survivors allow themselves to start this reassessment with the relationships where they feel more safe. I try to remind it to myself everytime I have to face the hard moments for me of my friends periods of silence and withdrawn: I am allowing him in a way to be fully himself, to have the space and time to heal, grieve, reflect, grow at his own pace. I hope one day OUR current pain will be rewarded somehow.

Would I like to be physically at his side during this process? Oh my, yes, its my greatest desire. But HE prefers otherwise, and its HIS healing process and HE MUST be in charge of it and do his own choices. And be responsible for them. I had to come to accept this, and it took me a while and a personal growth path. Its not been easy, and still it doesnt many times. But it seems that for survivors closeness is a minefield of emotions and feelings that once they start to accept to feel (i.e. let go of numbing) need space and time to make sense of them. Being a survivor let me in a way understand it better, but in other ways scares me because it happens to be a trigger somehow to me. But this is another problem...

Anyway, its important that you take care of yourself, Solo, because YOUR boundaries are important just as your friends. Renegotiating a new way to live your relationship would need an awareness of your (both) personal boundaries. Its an ongoing process, and it works at best when people involved are in touch with themselves and can acknowledge what they can say yes or no to.

In case youd like, you could read some good books about F&F of male survivors (you could check in the resources section of this site). I have found many valuable insights there. But please remember that the healing process is long, hard, full of ups&downs, and personal. Every person is different, every survivor has his own story and personality so the recovery path would affect him in an exclusive way. Theres no other chance for those who care to try, and accept also the risk to make mistakes. If the relationship has good roots, mistakes from both parties will be forgiven in the end, and would even maybe allow more growth.

Take care.
Abby
 
Solo,
I agree with what Abby said earlier -

I believe that a disclosure is both an arrival and a starting point. It means there is trust in the relation, but then the same trust gets soon questioned by the survivor together with the previous assumptions about personal boundaries, because that's how the healing process works. Times and personal paths are different for each survivor, but the core of the process is the same: rebuilding one's personal boundaries.
Click to expand...
Disclosure is probably the most frightening thing we'll ever do in our lives, and possibly the bravest thing as well.
I was married for 25 years before I even trusted my relationship with my wife enough to disclose to her, the first person I ever disclosed to.
And I admit that a big part of the motivation to disclose was to save our marriage, which it did.

But that aside, disclosure suddenly alters our lives in a way that we can never undo, we can't take the words back.
So we're left with a set of confusing feelings that we didn't have before, we might feel as though a weight has been lifted from our shoulders, but we also feel guilty for transferring that weight onto others.
And so it goes on, every positive aspect seems to get swallowed up by a negative one - until one day the ratio changes and we find that our old boundaries are no longer relevant to us, we have to create new ones.

While we're doing that it's often easier to create temporary boundaries, and they are often on the very safe side for us.
Disclosing broke a long establised boundary, and he's possibly very unsure if it was the right thing to do, so the natural reaction is to move that original boundary so he feels safer, and has time to think where it actually belongs.

Dave
 
Dear Abby and Dave,

Thank you, once more for taking the time to read and reply to, my post. Your support and advice helps me enormously.


I appreciate your honesty and openess about your own experiences, when I read what you've said, I can imagine my friend saying very similar things if he was able to. It has given me more insight than I thought I could ever get without hearing it from him.

It is particularly helpful hearing your experiences and feeling about the initial disclosure and the relocation of boundaries, this is exactly how it felt to me but I couldn't put it into words. Some part of me knew he wasn't totally rejecting me but I knew he had to keep me at arms length. I can now understand why he has done this.

I am pleased to say that my friend and I spent a few hours together yesterday and it felt a lot easier. He seemed more relaxed and open, I actually felt he wanted my company which is something I've not felt for many weeks now. I'm not expecting things to get back to how they were straight away (they may never do, in some ways we've both changed now, but hopefully we can achieve a new level of understanding and trust in eachother). At least it feels as if the door is slightly ajar now.

Thank you again,

Take care,

Solo
 
Solo
things can never be the SAME again.....

Disclosure releases the can of worms, and they can never go back, what we say remains said.

But things can get BETTER.
It won't happen easily or quickly, there's going to be tears and pain for certain; but they're real emotions and feelings, something we've denied ourselves, or distorted beyond recognition as 'victims'.

As survivors we acknowledge our real feelings, and once we've got them sorted out we can use them properly.
That's something our partners will notice for sure!

Dave
 
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