Looking at the VOID
Greetings gentle-men,
In therapy I've been looking at what I do to numb myself. I've rented up to 5 movies a week at blockbuster, I've looked at internet images of questionable taste, I've eaten a lot, I've stared at tv and chanel surfed for hours. So, I'm trying to break out of those mind-numbing spectator sports (well, eating is not a spectator sport), but I find myself almost unable to figure out what to do with myself. I start literally getting anxious and nervous when left to my own devices. Is that "withdrawal?" I then start playing solitaire obsessively on the PC. That's no go. I need to practice my musical instruments for upcoming gigs...that's productive but there's just so much one can do in two hours before fingers get sore, or it gets too late to play (neighbors don't like clarinet at midnight....trust me on this one). I cleaned the house like hurricane this weekend. That was great! It got me moving and thinking at the same time, but when I am left alone with just myself, no distractions, I get uncomfortable. Does this ring any bells with you guys? I went to a couple of monasteries in the past to have a nice quiet spiritual retreat. I always wound up alone and jittery. There is just so much Bible reading one can do at one stretch! I find it excruciating to be left alone with just myself...and no distractions. Anybody have some good advice for what they do?...
Philip the Film Addict
In therapy I've been looking at what I do to numb myself. I've rented up to 5 movies a week at blockbuster, I've looked at internet images of questionable taste, I've eaten a lot, I've stared at tv and chanel surfed for hours. So, I'm trying to break out of those mind-numbing spectator sports (well, eating is not a spectator sport), but I find myself almost unable to figure out what to do with myself. I start literally getting anxious and nervous when left to my own devices. Is that "withdrawal?" I then start playing solitaire obsessively on the PC. That's no go. I need to practice my musical instruments for upcoming gigs...that's productive but there's just so much one can do in two hours before fingers get sore, or it gets too late to play (neighbors don't like clarinet at midnight....trust me on this one). I cleaned the house like hurricane this weekend. That was great! It got me moving and thinking at the same time, but when I am left alone with just myself, no distractions, I get uncomfortable. Does this ring any bells with you guys? I went to a couple of monasteries in the past to have a nice quiet spiritual retreat. I always wound up alone and jittery. There is just so much Bible reading one can do at one stretch! I find it excruciating to be left alone with just myself...and no distractions. Anybody have some good advice for what they do?...
Philip the Film Addict
. oh yes, it rings incessantly. for me, it is not isolation that drives me to that though. it is the memories. i have had a handful of really traumatic recalls in the last several months and each one put me there where i had to do something. isolation is my friend, it is where i feel safe from others and they are safe from me, or so it feels. when i get locked into that mode i have to numb out the best way i can. it used to be alcohol and surfing. it all tends to run together after the third six pack...they all look alike by then. now, i am trying to get focused on a more positive project, my 76 granada restoration. some day, i hope to just start on it. for now, i just go out and spend some quality time with the old girl, making her as pretty as i can till i can accomplish more. what gigs you play with your clarinet? can't be hard rock 
. take care, phillip.