Lonliness

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Lonliness

It has been almost a year ago since I found out my sexual abuse has had an impact on me. My uncle and a nearby friend molested me for probably 1-2 years when I was 5 til I told my mom about it. I think more than that has happend to me.

A lot of my emotional wounds began during the end of Elementary and the worst during Middle School as I was called homosexual names just about everyday. Even when my "best-friend" betreyed me during a field trip, and I cried almost the entire time from the name calling and as everyone was messing with me.

Now during High School, i'm left alone and I don't know were to go. I know I can't trust anyone. I'm just lost with myself. I'm confused with my sexuality. I also don't have any good or close friends at school now days. I don't have anyone to talk to, just to myself. Then all of the sudden some other memories came from the past.

I just can't take it. Why does it have to be me? Why can't I take off my shirt in front of other people? Why am I shy? Why do I have alot of anger? Why do I hear the homosexual names through my head from the past? I just wish I had someone.

Does anyone understand me? I know there must be some hope in the future. I'm only 17 years old.
 
HELLO AND WELCOME.....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

What you have described sounds very similar to many of us who have been sexually abused. I also felt the way you did in high school many years ago. But I didn't deal with, talk about, even recognize that I was hurting from my victimization for some 15 years, not until after I left high school. So I think you have a huge advantage over most, as you recognize that your victimization has had a huge impact on your life.

I hope you come here to read and post more about how you are feeling and your experiences. You will realize that you are not alone anymore. It is safe to share here.

Your confusion about your sexuality is very common for someone your age, particularly for someone who has been sexually abused...try not to worry too much about this, you will sort this out. I remeber when I was in high school I also was extremely uncomfortable undressing in the locker room in front of other guys...I felt somehow they could tell that I was gay (that's what I thought at the time...I am married now)...or had sex with another guy...(my abuser). I always felt dirty and shameful. How I wish I understood things better back then...but I did not.

I do now, I have spent several years seeing a therapist, this helped a great deal...it probably would help you as well. Are you getting counseling?

When you develope a stronger self image and start believing in yourself...I think then many of these things others say or do won't bother you as much as they do now. Remember if people are treating you this way...they are not your friends! You do not need them....when people attack you it is mostly because of their own insecurities...NOT YOURS!!!

Learn to believe in yourself...traet yourself good...don't be hard or judgemental about yourself...you ARE A VERY CAPABLE PERSON! I know, because you are here seeking help, when most others run from this pain and anxiety altogether.

There are some good books to read on male sexual victimization...but take it a little at a time. Mike Lew author of "Victims No Longer...and "Abused Boys; the neglected victims of Sexual Abuse" written by Mic Hunter are two books you probably should read...you can probably find them at your library. This may help you understand what you are going through.

Hope things begin to get better for you...eventually I know they will....Mark
 
DEAR SANTOS....YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE THAT WILL LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY! DON'T BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR FEELINGS EITHER. WE ALL HAVE HAD SOME SORT OF HORRIBLE RACHID THINGS STRUCK AGAINST US. I'M 53 AND HAVE HAD A BAD TIME OF IT RECENTLY AFTER BEING ABUSED FOR YEARS STARTING WITH AGE 8. DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE IN TO THAT VOICE INSIDE! DON'T HURT YOURSELF...IN ANY WAY! WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU....WE ALL UNDERSTAND...MY FEELINGS ARE WITH YOU ...SCOT
 
Santos, I don't know what o say exactly. I'm sorry for what you have to go through. I'm 19. When I was in high school a few years back I was very confused about my sexuality and stuff like that too. I was also extremely self-conscious. I still am. I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and what you have to go through. It sucks. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. none of us do. I can't really think of any advice except hang in there. I found this site a few weeks ago and its been great. To be able to talk to other people that are going through (or have gone though) the same stuff is really helpful. It makes me feel not so alone. Hope it does the same for you. Take care of yoruself.
 
Michael,

Dude, being 17 is a full time job all by itself, add the abuse stuff and you really go your hands full, but you know what, it is not the end of the world, it does get better, its a rough road for sure, but you can make it and your not alone anymore, you got us here, i been down the same road your talking about and you can make it and it will get better.

Keep breathing, dont let those clowns at school get you down, ok? they are morons.

I am glad you found this place, cus one of the biggee's to getting a grip on this stuff is being able to talk about it, this is a good place.

All we really have to do is just keep talking.

Your gonna make it Michael, and we are all gonna be there with you.

John
 
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