Long time no see/no post

[Obi]

hey fellas.

i've been away from ms for a while. part of me was needing a break, but i've also been incredibly busy in my life with work and other things that my own issues got put on the back burner.

for a while it was ok. it was nice not focusing on my issues and focusing more on work and others. however, work became incredibly busy, and still is, that i haven't had much of a chance for anything. job security i guess. plus, i love my job. a lot of people i know dread getting up and going to work. me, i look forward to it mostly because i love what i do but it also takes me away from the stresses in life. after a while though my issues started to creep back in and become stronger and stronger.

i've also had to deal with my dad a lot lately too. i know it's not my problem, and i love my dad, but he's been making a LOT of "mistakes" since my mom passed away. he went out on a first date, proposed marriage and she accepted. they got married and a few months later divorced. now, not even a year later he's dating another woman, not even a month together and he proposed marriage again. they are engaged now. i have issues with the lady he is engaged to. she's been rude and steps over my boundaries that i have laid down and keeps pushing me about things that i am not ready to talk to her about. i doubt i will ever tell her things now that she can't respect me or the boundaries i put out there. can't say anything to my dad because he won't listen even if i did.

since i got married 2 years ago a lot of new issues have popped up that i didn't even know i had that are definitely due to my abuse. it does help that my wife understands because she's been abused in her past as well. i'm truly thankful that i have her and that she understands. she also feels that it is good for me to have the support system here, even though i've been gone for so long. she encourages me about it. she believes that if it helps me then it will help our marriage to be better and stronger.

i sure hope so because there are times where i don't feel like i'm gaining any ground at all. there are little signs of progress, which i should remain focused and positive about but it's so hard to when you feel like you are not getting anywhere.

then there was another recent event, that i was not involved in, that ended up with my wife and i getting hurt by. there was a private group that she and i were in. we were friends with everyone in there. well, it imploded because of another person in the group attacking another person in the group. we stayed out of that whole battle, but yet we were treated awful, kicked out and so on. too long of a story to get into, but it left me feeling like i can't trust anyone anymore. these people, that both my wife and i considered family, for some reason turned on us. we still can't figure it out. however, both her and i have shared a lot of personal stuff with them because we thought that they cared. we were wrong....

now i feel like i'm back at square one where i don't trust anyone. i can barely trust myself right now. i don't feel like i can share anything.

i've come back here, read a lot of posts and see the bonds here. many of the guys i've created bonds with here are gone. add in the most recent event and i don't know if i want to put myself out there anymore. too afraid of being trampled on again. even here because i've been trampled on by several survivors, in the past, for sticking up for the rest of us that didn't have a voice. i don't know where i belong anymore.

 

[Ceremony]

Hugs (((((Obi))))

 

[Ceremony]

I notice it's not something common, to talk a lot in posts on the Forum? Or, maybe it's only supposed to happen after the magical 3 months?

I'll listen. Really listen.

 

[Rich1967]

Hey Obi,

Yes, putting myself out there has been risky and sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. No matter what though the alternative is NOT an option. Not putting myself out there would be feeling lonely and abandoned all the time and I don't want that and will risk an awful lot to foster connections with others. What I won't do is sacrifice myself for those connections which I am prone to do from time to time if I really care about someone.

Two people I invested a lot of time, energy and trust in didn't work so well for me. It was devastating to my inner boy who has always felt like those he loves will eventually abandon him. One I still work with and we have a very cordial relationship now and we do work well together. The other person just reached out to me after 3 months of silence. I had considered these men like family in some ways too and very much trusted them.

Once I stopped feeling a huge emotional charge around these people I could see more clearly that while I played a role in why things didn't work out in both cases it was so much more about their wounds getting in the way of being so close. Both men have some deep wounds that a close relationship with another man was just too much for them to handle at the time. I would say the guy I work with cares about me and I him but it's just something that has to be expressed in the most subtle of ways for him to be comfortable. For the other guy...he just can't trust people yet (he just came to the realization that he'd been sexually abused over the years by a close "friend"). It's easy for me to think it's all my fault but the reality is that it's not. It's a great self-defense mechanism though - if it's my fault I'm in control of whether or not it happens again. I can "fix" what's wrong or I can never put myself in those situations again. Neither option will work well for me.

Maybe these people have such deep wounds and you guys triggered them in some way...? Maybe some of these friends will come back after they've had time to heal...?

No matter what you guys are loveable and you will most certainly find love and support here at MS.

((((Obi))))

Rich

 

[Obi]

Kind of difficult to do when I constantly get my hand bit off every time I stick it out there, including here on ms which hurts more.

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Obi ...

welcome back

I'm glad that things have gone well with your job and your wife and what appears to have been a happy period in your life.
I'm so sorry that things have soured with the group you considered family ... it happens.
It also often repairs itself over time ... if not completely with all ... but perhaps with a few.
That applies out there as well as in here.
Complications ... yes ... all the harder to deal with while also struggling with a long ago past not of our own making.

We all must remember that MS is a support group ... not a way of life. It's meant to make living easier and more rewarding,
and it's a place where we can always return when things get rough.

I remember you well Obi ... even though we interacted very little.
You were very involved here and contributed greatly to the site.
We are a social structure involving 100's of people ... friction and contention and even heartbreak just goes with the territory
but so does renewal.
Old friends ... a fresh start ... fresh people ... fresh ways to deal with problems and solutions.
You learned how that works when you were here before ... and you know it works.
You have indeed come back to where you once belonged ... and where you belong again ...
and a refuge where you will always belong.

Again ... welcome home.

Sharky

 

[Obi]

Thanks, shark.

It still doesn't feel much like a safe refuge here at the moment. Too many wounds that haven't healed.

Perhaps most of the ones that caused these deep wounds are no longer here. Either way it is going to take time to trust again.

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Obi - It's been a while since I was here and a lot of the guys that used to post aren't posting anymore it seems. My thoughts are with you.

David

 

[Obi]

Thanks, David.

There have also been a couple of greeters, a few mods and a former admin that have done severe damage to me and A Lot of other survivors here.

It wasn't just a few other users here.

Like I said. Major wounds that never got justice nor healed. It will take time to feel safe enough here again.

 

[Rich1967]

Obi - I remember you and I'm greeter but I don't remember the incidents that you are referring too. Hope I'm not one of the ones you think hurt you. If so, I am sorry. It was never my intent to harm.

Welcome back and I really do think you will find people here who will love and support you.

Rich

 

[Obi]

No, Rich. You were not. Appreciate the sentiment. It will take time.

 

[George]

Hi Obi,

I too pop in and out of here as I need to, and I still do...

One thing jumped out at me when you mentioned your Father jumping into marriage, out and engaged again. My Grandmother was in a nursing home for about a year, in that time a Nurses Aid there befriended my Grandfather. Very shortly after my Grandmother died, my Grandfather married this much younger woman. My Grandparents lived in Florida for 20+ years and the rest of the family is up here in NY. Anyway they were legally married. Within six months my Grandfather was dead. To my surprise, I found out that this woman had within two months of their marriage signed over his two homes in FLa to her son, spent all his money, ran up all his credit cards. I only found all this out after he died what this woman did, and there was NOTHING anyone could do about it, because he married her. If I had only checked the online county property tax record before he died we might have been able to do something if he was still alive and cooperative with us. This woman was a nurses aid who had access to drugs and knows how to make death look natural. I contacted the Sheriff's office, social services and nobody would / could do anything about anything. If your Dad owns anything or has any money, keep an eye on these women.

I found out that this women has done this over and over again, that this is how she makes her real living, and I found out that there quite a few more out there like her.

 

[WG]

Hey, obi - and welcome back. Sorry for how that group treated you and your wife - possibly in time you might feel like you two could join some other group and try again - but your heart will tell you when its OK to do that. We're here -and yes, most of us are new to you, however, we can be support to you, too. Life gets messy and we're here to wade through the mess with you.
I see you're in Kansas, and I don't need to know your exact location - its the sort-of-anonymous-thing in here and I get that, but just to let you know my Dad's family is from Western Kansas - Great Bend, Dodge, Wichita and Gardner. Haven't been there in many years - I live in Seattle - so its a bit of a drive to go there.

 

[traveler]

Obi -

good to have you back and speaking up again.

i haven't been very present here recently either - lots of traveling and then trying to find and settle into a new (to us) house and no internet at home and difficulty with tiny keys on a phone, etc.

i hope that you will give it another chance and find that there are still some good guys here who can be trusted. in the meantime, share as much as you feel comfortable and with those among whom you feel at ease.

welcome back! (((((((Obi)))))))
Lee