long time coming

[AB]

I want to thank everyone on this website for the imput they have provided and the sound advice. It looks as though we are getting a divorce.After 4 years together, he couldn't hold it together anymore.I took the advice given and told my husband (via e-mail-he said he was too ashamed to speak to me)that I would always love him, but that if he was unable to continue with counselling then I would need to move forward on a legal separation. I said that I would support him if he would let me and that I felt that he was a kind person at heart who didn't deserve this life. I have heard nothing back. I told him about this website and I still hope he uses it someday.
I know for a fact that he is in a relationship with someone else and most likely has been for months, this is the reason I was finally forced to leave. The final humiliation being that as I was packing up to leave I found evidence of his infidelity...he wouldn't admit it even though it was blatantly obvious-open condom packs under the bed, long dark hair all over the bed.I have been tested for STD's because I don't know for how long and with whom he has been doing this. Even then he begged me not to give up on us, that he would continue with counselling etc., but there is no use holding onto lies. At the end of the day he just wanted me out of the house because I am a reminder of all his past mistakes.Our relationship was based on lies from the very beginning so now I even question whether he ever loved me at all...he was so quick to shut me out of his life even though I endured much and never pushed him to give more than he was willing.I fear the worst for him now..both times we took a 'break' he said he wouldn't 'do anything stupid' which I now feel was more to do with reassuring himself that he wouldn't kill himself.
It is so frustrating knowing that this pattern will continue and not being able to do a thing about it.I know that I am the only one that knows about this besides the counsellor and I feel like I am being punished for getting such a small bit inside his world.

 

[theo]

ab,
i am sorry to hear of this tragedy. i was there myself four years ago when my former wife did to me what you are going through. there were years of her attempted infidedlity that i was not aware of until too late. i understand the feeling of struggling with what it is was that was lived with all those years...whether or not it was all a lie, whether or not she really cared about me at all...i still carry the scars from that. i am now in a wonderful place within my lady theo's arms, but the past still hurts. my former marriage was nine years long, seven of which we were actually together. it is tragic, not only the infidelity, but the entire thing of abused trust that goes back so many years and continues to impact the present. this is a great place for support and healing. take care, ab. i am here if you need to talk via pm.

 

[SAR]

AB

I'm sorry for all that you're going through. I know it's frustrating and scary not to know what will happen with him next. But it seems that you don't have a lot of influence over his actions right now anyway, so maybe it is for the best that you're entirely removed from it.

It may be hard for you to remember this right now, but your relationship was not the only thing based on lies in an otherwise honest and healthy life. Some people are living a life of lies--they're not just lying to you, to hurt you. In fact, it could be that leaving such obvious signs of infidelity was a way for him to come clean about things without actually having to tell you. Maybe, if what he really wanted was the end of the marriage, it was a way for him to set that in motion as well without having to take the initiative.

At the end of the day he just wanted me out of the house because I am a reminder of all his past mistakes.Our relationship was based on lies from the very beginning so now I even question whether he ever loved me at all...

No relationship can survive in the past.

best of luck
SAR