lonely in montana
lauraanimal
Registrant
as most of you know my husband (joker/james)and i have just moved to montana.
i grew up in oklahoma and live 98% or more of my life there. all my family is there. although we have our differances i still love them, and miss them. i find my self missing oklahoma but only due to my family. otherwise montana is perfect. it has been a life long dream of mine to live here andi have finaly made it. however i still find myself torn about missing my family. heres why:
i am the oldest child of all the children and step children. i am also adopted. i was an only child till i was the age of 6. then my sister came along and she was there " natural" child. things changed then. all the attention went to here and i was no longer good enough, i could never compair to her. as my other sister and then my half brother came along it was the same, they compared but i didnt. as well as with my step sisters and step brother-in-law. now on top of that happy as i am for it my husband is closer to my family than i am. i tried for years to fit in and fought very hard to make them roud" of me. but nothing i did was ever good enough. when my kids was born they realy didnt have much to do with them, and then when my 1st sister had her daughter, ,they couldnt make enough fuss over her. and everyone goes out of there way to do as much as they can for her and my neice. now she i prego angain and so is my youngest sister. of course another big happy fuss over it all. even my step neices and nephew have more importance over my children.
i was kicked out of my mom and stepdads home at age 17 due to the fact i was prego and left to live on the streets in a town(tampa florida)wher i had only lived for about 2 months if that and hardly knew 5 people, while my mom and step dad moved to california.
my mom had to move out of her house she was buying in order to get my 1st sister to move out at the age of 23.but even at that my mom just rented her her house at 200.00 a month. she lived with her boyfriend who was a drug dealer, a theif and been in prision 2 times for dealing. this is who she had her 1st child with. he left her a few days aftr the baby wa born and she decided to move, my mom (now divirced for 5-6 yrs) helped her perchase a home. she lives beyond her means and almost weekly asks for money that she uses to rent video's, go to the movies or out to eat as well as her bills. wich she still runs behind on.
my youngest sister is now 24 will be 25 soon and still lives with my mom. she works and goes to college, but spends all her extra time drinking and partying and doing drugs. my mom makes her car payment , insurance payment and has her on her health insurance till she turns 25. she has no "bills" to speak of , but even though she has a job never has any money. she also barrows money from my mom weekly. and my mom is paying her student loans off for her even though there not due till she graduates collage.
both my sistes barow money from my dad and step mom as well.
my step sister and brother in law is always barrowing money from them as well and they both hve jobs, do drugs and drink. they can never seem to have all ther utilities on at the same time. they are always broke as well.my brother-in-law was caught by the policerunning drugs from mexico to oklahoma. they didnt have the money to bail him oout so of course the went to my dad and step mom who put there property up in order to bail him out.
now my husband had been arrested a few months earlier and i called and asked if they could help with the bail, they refused and it wsnt even as much as my brother-in-law's. my husbands charges was dropped , but his wasnt. when ever i have had to ask for money from any of my family it was only as a total last resort and most of the times we wouldnt ask anyway. but the times we have, both parents acted as if we was trying to rip them off. yet we never bought drugs or got drunk instead of paying our bills nor did we ask for help very often. as well as we are the only ones who actualy pay them back out of all my siblings. most times they dont even invited us to there get togethers. we hardly got to do anything "together" with them howbeit they would always get together with my other siblings, this is on both sides as well. the only time we would get together with them was on a holiday or if we invited them out to our place and fixed them dinner and even at that they would turn us down most times.
when we told them we was moving to montana they didnt want us to go , ,why im not sure actualy. but sence we have moved here my mom has not called me yet. my father has called a couple times but we have been here 4 months.
why i miss them im not sure, they realy wasnt that much a part of my life. and it drives me crazy that i do miss them. but it drives me even crazier that if i want to talk to them i have to call. i feel as though i am not worth there time and effort.
james and i have been told buy our pdoc that we are not to work. but yet they look at us as if we are total and complete failures because we ar not working. my mother has even said that our dr. is a quack and we need to find a new one. she thinks the meds the dotor has me on is to much and im being over medicated. she thinks we should keep looking for a dr. who doesnt put us on so many meds and ristrictions. now on the other hand my youngest sister has been diagnosed with crones diesese, and atthe age of 25 she will no longer be able to carry her on her insurance. she is prego and will have to apply for medicade to assist in her medical needs and the birth of her child. yet she feels that she is to good for medicade and plans on doing all she can to pay for what she needs. at the same time there is a few things i have been diagnosed with that she just thinks is a joke. and up until we movedto montana had no insurance on any of us. she refused to help in any way, even with her 3 grand children by me and james. it hurrts me to see that even my own children can see the differance in the way she and my father and step mother treat them compaired to ther other grandchildren as well as how they treat me differently from my siblings.
so why in the world do i even care about them anymore, heck they think my abuse was a joke and dont believe it either. i hate not being able to stop my feeling of love and need for them, i wish i could just wip them out of my mind and never remember them in the same sence they do me.
sorry to rant and rave
laura
i grew up in oklahoma and live 98% or more of my life there. all my family is there. although we have our differances i still love them, and miss them. i find my self missing oklahoma but only due to my family. otherwise montana is perfect. it has been a life long dream of mine to live here andi have finaly made it. however i still find myself torn about missing my family. heres why:
i am the oldest child of all the children and step children. i am also adopted. i was an only child till i was the age of 6. then my sister came along and she was there " natural" child. things changed then. all the attention went to here and i was no longer good enough, i could never compair to her. as my other sister and then my half brother came along it was the same, they compared but i didnt. as well as with my step sisters and step brother-in-law. now on top of that happy as i am for it my husband is closer to my family than i am. i tried for years to fit in and fought very hard to make them roud" of me. but nothing i did was ever good enough. when my kids was born they realy didnt have much to do with them, and then when my 1st sister had her daughter, ,they couldnt make enough fuss over her. and everyone goes out of there way to do as much as they can for her and my neice. now she i prego angain and so is my youngest sister. of course another big happy fuss over it all. even my step neices and nephew have more importance over my children.
i was kicked out of my mom and stepdads home at age 17 due to the fact i was prego and left to live on the streets in a town(tampa florida)wher i had only lived for about 2 months if that and hardly knew 5 people, while my mom and step dad moved to california.
my mom had to move out of her house she was buying in order to get my 1st sister to move out at the age of 23.but even at that my mom just rented her her house at 200.00 a month. she lived with her boyfriend who was a drug dealer, a theif and been in prision 2 times for dealing. this is who she had her 1st child with. he left her a few days aftr the baby wa born and she decided to move, my mom (now divirced for 5-6 yrs) helped her perchase a home. she lives beyond her means and almost weekly asks for money that she uses to rent video's, go to the movies or out to eat as well as her bills. wich she still runs behind on.
my youngest sister is now 24 will be 25 soon and still lives with my mom. she works and goes to college, but spends all her extra time drinking and partying and doing drugs. my mom makes her car payment , insurance payment and has her on her health insurance till she turns 25. she has no "bills" to speak of , but even though she has a job never has any money. she also barrows money from my mom weekly. and my mom is paying her student loans off for her even though there not due till she graduates collage.
both my sistes barow money from my dad and step mom as well.
my step sister and brother in law is always barrowing money from them as well and they both hve jobs, do drugs and drink. they can never seem to have all ther utilities on at the same time. they are always broke as well.my brother-in-law was caught by the policerunning drugs from mexico to oklahoma. they didnt have the money to bail him oout so of course the went to my dad and step mom who put there property up in order to bail him out.
now my husband had been arrested a few months earlier and i called and asked if they could help with the bail, they refused and it wsnt even as much as my brother-in-law's. my husbands charges was dropped , but his wasnt. when ever i have had to ask for money from any of my family it was only as a total last resort and most of the times we wouldnt ask anyway. but the times we have, both parents acted as if we was trying to rip them off. yet we never bought drugs or got drunk instead of paying our bills nor did we ask for help very often. as well as we are the only ones who actualy pay them back out of all my siblings. most times they dont even invited us to there get togethers. we hardly got to do anything "together" with them howbeit they would always get together with my other siblings, this is on both sides as well. the only time we would get together with them was on a holiday or if we invited them out to our place and fixed them dinner and even at that they would turn us down most times.
when we told them we was moving to montana they didnt want us to go , ,why im not sure actualy. but sence we have moved here my mom has not called me yet. my father has called a couple times but we have been here 4 months.
why i miss them im not sure, they realy wasnt that much a part of my life. and it drives me crazy that i do miss them. but it drives me even crazier that if i want to talk to them i have to call. i feel as though i am not worth there time and effort.
james and i have been told buy our pdoc that we are not to work. but yet they look at us as if we are total and complete failures because we ar not working. my mother has even said that our dr. is a quack and we need to find a new one. she thinks the meds the dotor has me on is to much and im being over medicated. she thinks we should keep looking for a dr. who doesnt put us on so many meds and ristrictions. now on the other hand my youngest sister has been diagnosed with crones diesese, and atthe age of 25 she will no longer be able to carry her on her insurance. she is prego and will have to apply for medicade to assist in her medical needs and the birth of her child. yet she feels that she is to good for medicade and plans on doing all she can to pay for what she needs. at the same time there is a few things i have been diagnosed with that she just thinks is a joke. and up until we movedto montana had no insurance on any of us. she refused to help in any way, even with her 3 grand children by me and james. it hurrts me to see that even my own children can see the differance in the way she and my father and step mother treat them compaired to ther other grandchildren as well as how they treat me differently from my siblings.
so why in the world do i even care about them anymore, heck they think my abuse was a joke and dont believe it either. i hate not being able to stop my feeling of love and need for them, i wish i could just wip them out of my mind and never remember them in the same sence they do me.
sorry to rant and rave
laura
