lonely in a crowd

lonely in a crowd
R

roadrunner

Registrant
On Thursday I was sitting with my T and she asked me a question that really hit me hard: "Were you lonely as a child?" I fell into tears as soon as she asked, though recently this is not an issue that has been bothering me.

But absolutely, I was very lonely. I was a classic example of "lonely in a crowd". I had a lot of acquaintances, but I considered very few of them real friends. I had my sister Cathie, "The Rock", a few friends in scouts and at school, and that was it.

I can look back and see that a lot of this was my own doing. I went to a church camp for a week and hung out with a real loser because I thought he was all I deserved. I didn't want to get close to anyone else and then get "dumped" or scorned. I went to another church retreat and maneuvered myself into a position to get assigned to a cabin with kids I didn't even know, so ones I did know would have no opportunity to discover the billion crap things about being me. In the school cafeteria I didn't sit with my classmates, many of whom I liked; I went off into a corner and ate alone. Other kids would say we're doing this or that and am I coming, and I would say no and just go home and sit alone in my room hating being me.

Why did I do that? I think it was because I feared rejection. I felt so worthless that any unkind word or stupid comment - the kind of thing that happens all the time in a school - would just devastate me and "prove" all the bad things I felt about myself. On the outside I must have looked like just an ordinary kid, and it was my zero self-esteem that was messing me up.

The sad thing is that now I can look back and see that I did have people who liked me. They probably felt hurt that I was rejecting or ignoring their gestures of friendship. When I am back in Pennsylvania and meet any of these people, they are always happy to see me and show a genuine interest.

This has helped me because it enabled me to see how things really were: I wasn't a loser! Still this was a heavy thing for me to discover and I am finding it difficult. I thought I would share this in case anyone else has had a similar experience.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

Your post touched a nerve with me here. I remember going to church camp when i was a kid feeling like you did.

most of the time i went and hid from others.

I remember my counselor tried to befriend me and get me involved with activities. I just had a flashback throwing the frisbee together while others were doing crafts and other things.

How can you be a friend to someone when you don't even like yourself?

Good question huh

Healing Inside
 
**** TRIGGERS ****

Hi Larry,

As one lonely child to another, I'm going to ask you to come over and sit at my table while we talk over lunch. I think the characteristic of a lonely child is what makes the abuse possible. Abusive people see that, and take advantage of it. You know my story inside out, I think. I had two older brothers who went around together, down to the creek to play with the others, while I was left behind to amuse myself. I believe that played a large part in making me the introverted child I was. That, coupled with the abusive father and emotionally absent mother. I remember many times playing by myself in the closet with the door cracked just enough to let a sliver of light in. It was a "safe" place.

I think all of that was why I loved my little dog so much, and missed her so much when my mother gave her away. Yet another thing I loved taken away.

You know, individually all these traumas are disturbing for any child, but collectively they are devastating. As we have more and more of this build up, we begin to develope a perception about ourselves which is based upon how we have been treated. "If people treat me badly, then I must be bad." It's a wrong message, but it's the logical one we conclude must be true. And too often, we don't see those around us who are filling in the slack and nurturing us along through our childhood. Those people are the saints of the world, we may just not realize it at the time.

Come on, Larry. Let's go put our trays up and go out to recess. I'll race you to the swings.
 
I was the same. I probably could have had many friends, maybe (I'm really not sure about that) I just didn't want them then. I would occasionally have one friend but I was pretty much and introverted loner. My parents would then force me into things like Little League and group activities, all of which I hated. When I was in high School they made me join the US Navy Sea Cadets (I was 13 or 14) and my memory of that is getting to the ship we'd go out on early, around the same time as this other guy and we went down to the galley for some chocolate milk, where these regular sailors were. They made us strip down to our shorts and start scrubbing the galley down while they smoked, poked and laughed at us. (Wow, I wasn't going here when I first started to respond to this post. That is an old memory I'd nearly forgotten.) Now I forget where was going. But lately I have really been missing the fact that I didn't participate in those activities, that I didn't feel I was worthy or good enough to have fun. that I had to focus on no one discovering whaat I'd done/had done to me.

Dale
 
(((((Larry)))))(((((Jim)))))(((((Edie)))))(((((Dale)))))

Even just the topic line - jumped right off the screen and ate a hole right through me as I read it - the post and the responses - ??? - sorry can't even find words to explain it...

This topic is something that I really really need to work on - the whole of the first 18 years of my life was so utterly lonely...

Something I need to talk about...sometime...

TJ jeff
 
I was and to a large extent still am a loner. I have mild aspergers syndrome and have/had little interest in the things boys of my age typically liked. For example, while most preteens in my neighborhood barely read anything, I used my paper-route money to subscribe The Economist (How many 11 year olds do you know who use their own money to subscribe the The Economist?) While most kids would listen top 40 radio, I would listen the BBC World Service via shortwave. Instead of spending my time after school hanging out on the street I would haggle librarians with requests for obscure books via interlibrary loan.

My parents made me join scouts in the hope that I could improve my desperately lacking social skills. Unfortunately, there was a predator in that troop looking to find a vulnerable boy like me.

I remember my time in middle school as a living hell. Boys of that age pounce on any potential weakness in their peers. I, with aspergers syndrome, was, of course, a target for their teasing. I was called a faggot dozens of times a day. The fact that I was being abused at the time made their words hurt even more. A few kids tried being friendly with me but I pushed them away.
 
Larry,

loneliness was/is safety.
It took a whole load of mental effort to just be in with a crowd and hope nobody asks an embarrassing question.

School was also a nightmare, constantly working on how each day went, and why this or that happened, that is when I guessed it was all my fault, so I just let ppl do things I should have challenged.

That still happens now, so he keeps lonely, and yes, I always was popular but pushed them away, just as I do now.
I dont even know the best way to figure how to get help.

Yes, it sucks,

ste
 
I appreciate everything all of you are saying here and I hope the discussion continues. This is something really important, I can see that now. What is important isn't that we were lonely, but that we didn't DESERVE to be lonely. We were never losers or worthless.

Bill, I want to add a personal comment to you. I was very much the same way where reading and curiosity about the world were concerned. In third grade I finished the year's reading program in three weeks and for the rest of the year I spent that time joyously browsing books that the teacher would bring for me. My parents would take me to the children's department of the public library, and within a year I had a reader's pass for the adult library upstairs. A year after that my principal applied to our local rep in the state legislature and got me a pass for the State Library, which was supposed to be just the state government, lobbyists and so forth. I loved it there because it was quiet, I could go anywhere I wanted, read anything I wanted, and...I could be alone. No one knew me or looked at me.

It's a coping technique Bill, and for a time we need that. But finally we have to break out of that and all our other coping devices and try to live a balanced life again. I wish you every success in that. You are doing so well, and I hope you realize that.

Much love,
Larry
 
I certainly had that loneliness and introverted thing happening with me also. Just this week my T was asking about my upbringing and family life and my eyes got very moist. Theres lots of stuff there to work on but what I recall with reading this post is that my family isolated all of us.

My parents had this thing about not having other people come to the house. They didnt have any friends and would never have people over and as a child growing up I wasnt allowed to have friends come to my house either (just in case I ever got any).

My older perp brother hated me and wanted nothing to do with me and pretty much ignored me all the time at home even though we shared the same bedroom. The only time I ever got any attention from him was during his abuse.

I was very sensitive and emotional as a kid and would get upset easily, so I was very fearful of being friends with anyone. Although I knew what was happening between my brother and I was wrong (his threats and bribes told me that) I was terrified that anybody else may find out. That was also good reason to keep people at arms length.

In high school, I was also very insecure and was a late bloomer so I would be embarrassed in the locker rooms at change time. Id get my mother to write notes saying that for whatever reason this week, I was unable to participate in physical education programs and Id therefore avoid the locker rooms. More isolation.

Sorry if this got long winded. More things kept coming to mind as I typed so Ill stop now.
 
Hi guys,

Can I say "Me too?" I can't say that I ever had even one friend till I reached my sophomore year in high school. There were kids that weren't mean to me, but I didn't trust them. The bullies saw to that early on in my life. No one was to be trusted. I couldn't risk the humiliation and the pain of being rejected.

As others have said of themselves, I read a lot. There was a book around the house called "Pilgrim's Progress". I read it through the summer between 1st and 2nd grade. Pretty heavy stuff for an 8 year old. My favorite thing to read when I was that age were WWII escape stories. I also read all the material I could get my hands on regarding Hitlers "final solution" concerning the Jews. Pretty heavy stuff for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th grader.

It was a refuge for me. Escape all the bad stuff in my own life by going to another place, another time. Besides, I was and still am fascinated with history.

Excellent thread, Larry.

Lots of love,

John
 
In my life I've tended to be very superficial about friendship. I could make a "friend" easy and quickly enough, but I never let a relationship run too deep. I suppose you could say they were more like "colleagues" than friends.

I do not pin this on the abuse, however. Being a kid in a military family, my friends and I were always moving somewhere else; the friendships never lasted very long. So, I suppose I grew to endeavor to not invest too much emotional energy in a particular friendship. I wonder if that's something I would've grown out of eventually, if it weren't for the abuse.
 
Guess loneliness is the only thing to keep me safe, yeah, the only thing,

ste
 
Larry,

Lonliness, me too! I am trying to think of something I could add about myself that has not already been said by someone else. Didn't read much because my eyes would burn like fire after just a few minutes. Had 20/20 vission but my eyes just burned. Got bad grades in school, partly because of my eyes but mostly because I was working so hard trying to figure out how to get through each day without being hurt by the other kids. I had about 3 or 4 in my class that made life hell for me. They called me "Sir Alex Pimpleton" because I had acne pretty bad. I tried to avoid them being alone felt much better than their taunts. I had a school teacher who would assign me to work with them or make me be on their team for sports. She was the teacher from hell. 30 years later she looked me up and apologized for her behavior, thats how bad she was. She told me that she had assigned me to be with the other kids because she didn't like me and she knew they would be mean to me. Somehow I just lived one day to the next shutting people out. They could be right there in my face and I would zone out. My mind would go blank, I would be alone. The teacher would punish me for ignoring her. But I didn't care because I would get to stay inside while the others went out to play and I'd be alone, alone was safe.

Wow, that's a low note to end on but that's how life was.

Love ya

Darrel
 
At some point we have all fought that loneliness vehemently and sought associations on the outside, associations that have over time fallen apart or left us hurt or dissatisfied. And then it strikes that what we are really missing is our own company our own presence, for we had been absent from our life for so long that being present in other lifes was immpossible, that why we couldnt connect with anyone because we were not there to connect. SO we think why did we choose such a childhood, why? What are positives that came out of it? I think and then I think some more and then the truth is shown to me, I chose such a childhood because thru all that pain and loneliness I had to find myself.

And during those lonely years I also took to writing a discovered my vocation and later my profession.

Though today I know better I was alone because it was my life script, it is as simple as that, for it taught me a lot of things...and come to think of it I was never really alone, even when I was really alone.

So thank you god for that lonely childhood, otherwise I wouldn't have looked for You!
 
This is incredible. I'm so much like you all... I guess I must have shut off my feelings quite young because I can remember rejecting others and wanting to be left alone. The presence of cheerful classmates doing things together with me made me feel scared and ashamed. I had suffered abuse from a very young age. (starting at the age of four or so)At luchtime, I would eat by myself and hang out in the corners of the playground alone. I hated P.E. especially shower time. I was ashamed of my body--I still am.

My parents also made me join Little League as well even after I had told them I didn't want to join. They never respected my wishes. I always attracted the bullies and they picked on me in school while my father picked on me at home. Instead of protecting me after telling him about my problems, my father said he too would kick my ass for letting myself get beat up. I never told him anything again.

I too read many books while growing up. Like you guys, I read heavy going material for my age like Isaac Asimov's Physics and Carter's Tomb of Tutankhamen. Even now I still do this same strategy. But now I read stuff like Kant and Schopenhauer and other philosophers that are quite difficult to read and understand. It's like I have to give myself a very challenging task that may require years, decades, or an entire lifetime to accomplish so that I have no spare time to get depressed or think of my unfulfilled life.

Thanks for sharing your stories.
 
Extrovertism in its most modern avatar has been the most common public disease we have known, where a society promotes extroverts as its stalwarts and whose contribution is awarded thru their Walks of Fame, but then we must know that it is the Noble prize which is always given to certain recluse members of the society, who have continuously taken the human thought ahead, through their contribution in the arts and in the sciences. Infact many owe their origin to the recluses, who fought the temptation of leading a decandent lifestyle under the garb of being extroverts.

Surprisingly today somehow we have begun confusing openness of the heart with sexual openness or candor in open spaces and extravagance of spirit with extravagance created thru money. In this era of extreme sports, quiet pursuits of nature observation and contemplation on the human spirit seldom get their due, but hats off to the people who do it anyway because of sheer love of it.

Truly it has always been the recluse who has often plunged daringly into the depths of human psyche to cull out gems that generations have cherished. No great philosopher came out with anything new by just being party animal, so it is time to celebrate the happy introvert in us, who knows what true joy is, being with your own self.

Yes being happy is the key here, so the extravagance comes out through your spirit and not thru bungee jumping!

You never saw Einstein doing that or for that matter Carl Jung.

It is any day better to be happy, open and content recluse than a secretly unhappy extrovert.
 
Larry, I find this one hard to answer because I thought I was very outgoing, had many friends and all that but now that you ask the question and I am having to think about it hard I realize that I would be in my room in the dark thinking, my friends would call and want me to come play and I would have to fight with them over the phone, rationalize to them why I wanted to just stay inside and watch T.V. or just do nothing. When I did go out with them, I found myself being the one that took care of everyone else, keeping them out of trouble, telling them that we should not do the crazy things that they wanted to do. Thanks for the post it has opened a new window into my past that I had not thought about in some time.
 
John,

exactly how I was, we never had a phone, but I had to always make some excuse, then sit there wondering why I felt that way, and really did want to go with them.

I too found myself protecting the others, and stayed well out of any trouble.
Troublemakers always stuck like a magnet to me, so I had to always avoid them.

People always liked me, they still do, but I dont want a house full of people, especially when they say, you should do this or that.

Glad you found that corner of your life,

ste
 
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