Lonely & afraid...

[JW1230]

I am sitting here this morning feeling incredibly lonely....I am OK with being alone, but the loneliness I feel is truly heartbreaking. It is the kind of loneliness that comes from being totally disconnected from everything, everyone, including my own body. I touch my skin and I barely feel anything...my senses are so numb, my spirit so empty. Even when I am not alone with a group of people, I cannot make connections....I feel like I am observer and not a participant...I'm reminded of the signs that say, "Look, but don't touch!" I tell myself that nothing is permanent and this feeling cannot last forever, but I have felt this way for the last 42 years....Lately I have been cycling rapidly between feeling hopeful about healing to feeling total despair. This shift can happen in the blink of an eye. Therapy has been mixed; I find myself wanting to be "healed" so badly and to put all this behind me so I can live a "normal" life that I describe how I "want" my recovery to be progressing as if it "is" progressing that way. The need for approval and validation comes out in a major way during my therapy sessions...I don't even realize it until after the fact. I am sometimes asked about my dreams and goals in life, where I would like to visit, what's on my bucket list, and an incredible sadness sweeps over me because I am faced with the reality that I have no idea how to answer these questions...I have been so busy my whole life "surviving" that I have not had time to explore my likes/dislikes/dreams/aspirations...I have been to busy trying to stay safe/protect myself, numbing the pain with alcohol and other substances, pleasing others (morphing into what I think they want or need), keeping secrets about the abuse and other family dynamics, and hiding my sexuality from the world.
I don't know where I am going with all this, but am just feeling a lot of pain this morning and I am attempting to reach out...I know this is all part of the healing process. I have abstained from alcohol and mood-altering substances for 7 weeks now and a lot of these feelings can be expected...some it is simple grieving for what the trauma I have been through has cost me...in the past when I started feeling this way I would numb the feelings; maybe I am right where I need to be.

JW

 

[Bluedogone]

JW

I'm so sorry to hear of your frustration and despair. Loneliness is such a downer, and all I can do is
.......... {{{{{JW1230}}}}}

Congratulations on 7, yes 7, weeks of being alcohol and mood altering substances FREE. Well done, keep up the good work. As you said, and as you know first hand, it's all part of the process. It's scary, it feels like it'll never happen like you want it to, but facing down the emotions and fear without the other "stuff" will be your very own success. It's a little bit like the first time you ride a bicycle without training wheels or without the back up of someone holding you up. Maybe a little fright, a little fear that you might fall, concern that you can't do it on your own without help, but damn! what a feeling when you know there's nothing holding you up and you're doing it all on your own.

My thoughts are with you on this beautiful Sunday morning, I hope the weather's nice where you are, but regardless - hang in there. You're worth all the effort it takes to get to the place you want to be.

CJ

 

[Bardo]

JW,
You are growing and making progress just by reaching out. Many kudos for your 7 weeks of clear eyes and heart. You are not alone, you have many real friends right here. Look up at the sun. Even on the darkest and cloudiest day it is still there!

 

[finallyhere]

It is never said enough... We all understand. 7 weeks is huge! Sometimes the path we choose can be scary but rest assured there are many on this path you have chosen. It is becoming well worn and even if there are bumps ahead it is a path well chosen. Stick with a good T and we are here for you.

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi JW

Firstly my friend you are not alone, you have many guys here who understand what you're going through. When I joined MS I could have written the very same words as you have, your life has been pretty much a mirror of mine. So take heart my friend it gets better, you've taken some amazing steps already, feel proud that you've broken the silence, reach out we understand and we care.