Loneliness

Loneliness

WeekendNachos00

Registrant
I’m at the very beginning of my recovery after almost 20 years of suppressing how I feel, and the past two weeks in particular have been very painful. I’m sure this question has been asked a million times, but how do you deal with loneliness? I have a girlfriend who knows what I’ve dealt with and is supportive, but I don’t want to put too much on her, and she lives an hour and a half away so I can’t always see her. I have friends who know very little, but I don’t know how to talk about it in a way that isn’t alienating. And I’ve avoided seeing people for the past few years because of covid and, probably mostly, how bad I’ve been doing mentally, so I’m not even that close with them anymore.

How do you deal with this pain? I feel so lonely all of the time, and I want to feel a sense of community or feel like people understand, but those options seem so limited. I’m completely lost.
 
I'm in similar boat my lady friend lives closer but we work opposing shifts. On the covid thing that surely has made things worse, losing those little interactions we took for granted surely took its toll. Although you're not directly adressing hurt from abuse small kindnesses from neighbors, general public etc etc had to be healing at least to a small degree.
I've also noticed being more socially akward and having more social anxiety nowdays. Then trying to hard and overcompensating has snowball effects.
 
It can be very isolating, coming to terms with the abuse one went through. And yes, the pandemic years have been terribly isolating as well. Is there any sort of survivors group in the city you live in? That can be helpful. Aside from that, you have come to this site. It's possible to make connections here, even if they are far away in reality, we are all in the same place on the net!
 
I'm not sure if you're seeing a therapist or not,, but if not I'd recommend it. For honest, uncensored discussions about abuse I generally restrict those to a therapist. In my experience it's too dark to burden a friendship or spouse with, and they don't really know how to help anyway. A therapist can probably put you in touch with a support group if there are any near you. I've found those to be very helpful, too.

Take care.
 
Thanks everybody, I appreciate the advice and support. I think the support group idea would be ideal, I’ll be looking more into that, and as for therapists I actually am lucky enough to be part of a ptsd study through my school that’s gonna give me a month of free therapy. I think I’m probably just in a bad way right now, and I gotta ride this wave. I’m hoping with enough therapy and enough outside support I can get past this isolation.
 
and @After Nine I totally hear you with those little moments, I feel like at work or out in the world now I’m either completely withdrawn or overcompensating. It’s rough. I’m hoping this (sort of) post covid energy that we all have goes away at some point
 
I dont have any tips for this as I am dealing with the same things myself, so I'm making a comment so I can get notified by others with tips. One thing I cant say is I understand what your going through, you are not the only one dealing with it, so take some comfort in knowing you're not alone in these feelings. This month I feel it extra, the separation of loneliness between myself and my friends because of emotions and feelings that come with being a survivor, but also because I hit a major age in my life and I noticed none of the people I would consider friends remembered my birthday, I got no presents, I ended up buying myself a bit of cake. It hurts more now knowing that the only reason I am alone is because of my abuse forcing me to have locked myself away for fear of seeing the person and being attacked by them again, my only social interaction being with games online and at work. The further I get on my path to healing the more I notice many emotions, mannerisms and fears all caused by the abuse.

Sorry off track there, but if you learn any good tips please let me know,
 
@blankspace , I hope your future birthdays are filled with the friends you deserve. So sorry that you're dealing with this, but I think we're dealing with things in a very similar way. I'm just beginning to heal, and I'm in a very turbulent part of the process with a lot of emotions and a lot of breakdowns, but the thing I've noticed throughout is how the behaviors/mannerisms/fears/anxieties that I have are almost all in some way caused by the abuse. My abuse occurred when I was very young, so it's hard to think of who I was before it. But I want to live despite that. And I believe you will heal and live and thrive despite all this too.

Since posting this I've inquired about some group therapies in my area, and I'm somewhat seeing two individual therapists as well. I think the core of the issue for me is the desire to be known, fully, and not have to feel like I'm hiding. I'm hoping I can find a group therapy near me that I can start attending soon, that'll hopefully give me a space to hear the experiences of other people who've dealt with the same thing as me, as well as let myself be open and vulnerable with people too. I have a line on one Zoom group that seems like it could be good. So, fingers crossed.
 
I don't know if it can help you but I hope it somehow WeekendNacho.

A good part of my life, I lived them alone and isolated. Like you, I have a wife, children, work buddies, friends. But I've always been alone.

For me, things have changed little by little and very slowly because what I had in my social relationship was fear, it was also how I would going to be judge. I said to myself if I talk about my abuse to others, well, I am going to ear "You look for it, you must have provoked it, you could have defended yourself and said no, even someone told me "why you not kicked in is balls".

Here in MS they have listened to me, they have not judged me and I have left time to listen to exchange with other men who have also been abused. Even and without malice that a man said to me "You had fun" At the time it shocked me.

"But afterward I said to myself he is right, yes it did make me feel good and makes me happy.

This is where in me I removed the guilt, the shame and I saw that it affected me less.

I don't wish you good luck, because that would be to tell you yay you were abused and congratulations. No one denies you deserve what happened.

It is hard and confusing but with all the men here I noticed I was no longer alone.

Take care

Jp
 
I don't know if it can help you but I hope it somehow WeekendNacho.

A good part of my life, I lived them alone and isolated. Like you, I have a wife, children, work buddies, friends. But I've always been alone.

For me, things have changed little by little and very slowly because what I had in my social relationship was fear, it was also how I would going to be judge. I said to myself if I talk about my abuse to others, well, I am going to ear "You look for it, you must have provoked it, you could have defended yourself and said no, even someone told me "why you not kicked in is balls".

Here in MS they have listened to me, they have not judged me and I have left time to listen to exchange with other men who have also been abused. Even and without malice that a man said to me "You had fun" At the time it shocked me.

"But afterward I said to myself he is right, yes it did make me feel good and makes me happy.

This is where in me I removed the guilt, the shame and I saw that it affected me less.

I don't wish you good luck, because that would be to tell you yay you were abused and congratulations. No one denies you deserve what happened.

It is hard and confusing but with all the men here I noticed I was no longer alone.

Take care

Jp
Thank you Jp, that means a lot. It's sad but comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, this forum as well as AS has been helpful in that respect, I really appreciate how open and nice all you guys are. I'm hoping to find an in person group therapy near me where hopefully I can find more of the same. Thank you so much
 
I’m at the very beginning of my recovery after almost 20 years of suppressing how I feel, and the past two weeks in particular have been very painful. I’m sure this question has been asked a million times, but how do you deal with loneliness? I have a girlfriend who knows what I’ve dealt with and is supportive, but I don’t want to put too much on her, and she lives an hour and a half away so I can’t always see her. I have friends who know very little, but I don’t know how to talk about it in a way that isn’t alienating. And I’ve avoided seeing people for the past few years because of covid and, probably mostly, how bad I’ve been doing mentally, so I’m not even that close with them anymore.

How do you deal with this pain? I feel so lonely all of the time, and I want to feel a sense of community or feel like people understand, but those options seem so limited. I’m completely lost.
I understand sometimes that I'm very lonely also. For me it's because I'm afraid of what the general public would think about me that I be judged. However here I can be vulnerable oh, I can be honest in open any question I'm posed.

Here I never am invalidated. I'm supported and treated gently by kind people. It may not be the same as talking to a human in real life but I still feel a lot of support and understanding from this place.
 
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