Logging on for the first time

Logging on for the first time
A

AbandonedOne

Registrant
Hi.

I have spent several hours on the WalkersInDarkness forums. Words seem to do so very little it seems, especially from people who don't know me from Adam.

My wife left me over my pornography addiction/escapism; at least that's what she told me. I really wished she'd investigated the matter more before throwing me away.
She took my home and my automobile away from me, as well as what final vestige of self-esteem i had.

Since then i've lost my job and i'm terrified of the chronic rejection of the job search process. Really all i want is to curl up in a corner and have my one prayer answered: for me never to have existed.

I've lived my entire life in fear and terror, turning to pornography on a daily basis as the only 'safe harbor' in the swill that is my existence.

Nothing would relieve me more than to cease existing, tho i haven't the Courage to kill myself, for fear that hell might just actually exist and that my passing would scar my little 7-year-old son. My pain is augmented enormously by the thought that i can't give him the positive role model he so richly deserves in a father. He's such a wonderful kid :'(

I can't help but think that God has been toying with me, torturing me like a cat does a moth, and deriving perverse satisfaction from it. I have long ceased lifting my arms up to him for the love i never received. "Abba, Father" is a profanity to me now.

I'm in hell's waiting room.

But at least in hell the taunt of hope would finally be gone.
 
Hello Abandoned One,

It is really painful to read of your pain and also see the love you have for your precious son, and most probably for his Mom as well, yet not be able to give them all you want to. You sound to me like a very loving father.

You may want to ask your wife to come here and post in the Family and Friends Forum. She may get good understanding of you there, and be able to have more sensitive and compassionate feelings towards you.

Many, perhaps most of us, do at one time or another get into a problem of looking at porn, or masturbating to porn, or dozens of other ways of acting out.

I will recommend an article on our site to look at. But AO, I think that you will very quickly learn that you are not abandoned here. We are over 1500 men who have had similar experiences and similar struggles. WE bond, we don't abandon.

I well understand how you feel that God has let this all happen to you, and maybe that he is such a damned monster that he gets a kick out of it. None of that is true, but you feel that way and I will not argue with your feelings just now.

Please know that we respect you for trusting us, for being a part of this community and for reaching out. We will be here for you forever.

Please click on this link and read the paper by Ken Singer there. It will help you understand yourself better. Then surf around all the articles we have here--we have a lot and they are invaluable--at least they are for me.

Here is the link I mentioned and forgot to get to you.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Bob
 
Abandoned One,

I feel your pain. I recent experience is fairly similar.

My wife began having an affair because she thought I didn't love her. Because she would occassional find porn around and I would withdraw. This sent me into a depression. It didn't take me too long to notice that, I went to the phychatrist and into therapy. I, luckily, let my boss know that I was having problems and was taking care of them. I think that is why I still have my job today. It was the act of going to the pdoc and T that made me realize the affects of the SA on myself and the ones around me. So I told her about my SA, but she said it was too late. Several days later she admitted to her on-going affair. She wanted a divorce and went to my mother to have her tell me to give her a divorce. I finally agreed and we agreed to a amicable seperation.

The depression kept getting worse. I was loosing the woman that had been my best friend, the one that I loved, the one my world revolved around. I did not want a divorce, I wanted for us to go to therapy together, she would not hear of it. She didn't want to be "ganged up on". Everyday she would try to make me want the divorce. Belittle me, throw guilt in my face, blame me for her affair, find the little faults in a good thing, and blame me for my SA and blamed me for any other victims my perps may have had. Eventually I came to the realization that our marriage was over and I fully believed in the oath I made, until death do we part. I could never hurt the woman I loved, so it was me the had to die.

With that action, she felt that she no longer needed to follow the agreement we made and she ran off with our 2 year old son, took him out of state to hide him from me. Took all my identifications, money, credit cards, keys, any and everything that makes going anywhere possible. I took a lot of attorney time and money to have my son returned to the state. Yet still she would not let me see my son. I was finally allowed to see my son, with police supervised visitations, in case I wanted to kill myself again. I had to be frisked and turn in my car keys before I was allowed to see my son. She used my SA to try to prevent me from ever seeing my son again. Thankfully for a wise and kind judge, that wouldn't fall for that, I have a generous parenting time schedule.

Since then the sun has risen. My son is now 3, his mother and I are divorced. Although it was something I did not want, it was something I needed. I loved the heck out of her, but living with her was killing me and almost did. My life is not better financially or in physical comforts, but it is so much better emotionally and I would not trade my well-being for the house, the financial stability, and the woman that wanted to tear me apart to justify her indigressions.

There is hope out there. I didn't see it and almost died because of my blindness. My son, and yours, needs his daddy. That is us and those shoes need to be filled by us. And we need to be here to fill them. Hope grows by the day, each day more and more can be seen.

Stick around, find the hope, because it is there.

Bill
 
Hi, One:

I'm glad that you found this site in what sounds like an unbelievably difficult time.

I can't exactly relate to your situation, but I can offer you some long-distance support and courage from a fellow survivor. I hope that in some way helps you through this trial.

One, I can also tell you that it is apparent that you love your son, and if he is a reason that you keep from harming yourself, that is a @$#&() fine reason. Your kid may not be with you, but hey... if you love him then that love is a "Safe Harbor," and moreso than any images could be.

Also, the support that you receive from your fellow survivors on this site is very much a "Safe Harbor," and it is real. You can't see me, or any of the other hundreds of people on this site who will lend their hearts and voices to you, but we are real, and we care.

Hang in there, believe in your inherent worth as a human being, and you will rise above this. I am pulling for you.

Start a thread on the main section of this site, One, and I am convinced that you will see the support and love of other survivors manifested in your life.

Kurt
 
I've just moved this post from the Classifieds, I thought it fitted better here.

Dave
 
AO - Sure glad you found this site and had the strength to share your pain. And that is what we're doing, sharing your pain, maybe we can take just a little off your shoulders. I know you may not feel strong now, life continues to deal you blow after blow, but you have made this far, you can make it a lot further, one step at a time. I too believe that 'God' has been toying with me, rather, I prefer to think of it as a life-long challenge. I say, take the challenge, show him and you and your son that you are not only up for it but you will prevail. Look to your boy for strength, know that you need to be there for him, now and in the future so that you can help him through his troubles when they occur and so you can protect him from the monsters we all know truly exist. Feel free to email me privately and please keep coming back here. You will find enormous help, support and wisdom and we can learn from you. I wish you peace in your soul.
 
HI,
Not sure what I can add to what our brother's have already said. I am newly divorced myself. My wife of 18 years put a knife to my throat one day and would use my abuse as a weapon when we would fight. I just had enough so had to get out for me. I can so feel your pain in your words :( . I sure wish I had something deep and important to say that would seem to make everything make sence to you, but all I can think of is I understand. The porn..The pain your feeling....The wanting to just lay down and never get up.... :( Just try to keep posting..read the other post....I can tell you for me this place has saved my life more than once.....and I met my best friend in the chat room here....And that man has tought me more in the last 2 years than I have ever learned in the last 35 of my life. There are some of greatest men on the planit here and we are here to support you. Im sorry you need us, but glad your here...It goes to the old saying there is power in number's....Well you have made us that much more powerful than we were without you....
James
 
I am new here too, I am sorry life is hard so much to you right now. I am not sure all you say, but I am sorry you are sad and scared. I hope you can be better here soon. Andrei
 
Hey there... I am glad that you found us in what sounds like a very dark time for you. We are all here to listen and I hope that reading our posts have helped you to feel less alone.

Believe me, I know the pain of suicidal feelings. A month or so after I found this place, I attempted suicide... things were just too much for me to handle and I wound up spending a week in the hospital. I am doing much better now, and although the pain is still unbearable, I no longer regret having "failed" at my suicide. It does get better - not overnight, but it does get better - and I can't imagine not having the men here to rely on when things get too tough.

I am truly sorry that you are dealing with not only the loss of your marriage, but your home, job, and son. Things cannot seem bright for you right now. My first major relationship ended and at the time I wanted to curl up and die. But the ending brought up a TON of feelings that actually led me to uncover some of my abuse in therapy, and for that I am grateful. I would never wish anyone the pain I endured, but looking back, I can see that something really important came from that painful ending to a relationship.

I also know the pain of wanting to never have existed. Life can seem so meaningless and painful, and the knowledge that we didn't ask to be brought into this world compounds the feelings of injustice.

I guess the point of my post is to assure you that everyone here has felt something similar to what you are going through. You will always be understood here. You will never be alone in your pain here.

-Sean
 
WHAT link Bob? I didn't see one.


Anthony Robbins talks about beliefs.

A belief is nothing more than a feeling of certainty about a given idea. He uses a tabletop as a metephor for a belief and that these things called "references" are the "legs" that support that tabletop/belief. References can either be things that have happened you can draw upon, or can be created out of your imagination if need be.

The problem is, i just don't have any references to support the belief that i'm worth fighting for, or that i have any intrinsic value.

Darwin would maintain that i'm a drain on the earth's resources and "unfit" to survive, that currently i would serve only as fertilizer. Until recently i rejected Materialism as the height of ignorance; now i'm not sure any more. The God i believed in won't even spend any time with me. My stepfather (the one i grew up with) disowned me over 10 years ago. The grandfather i love so dearly has never responded to a single letter or email i've sent him, preferring rather to either avoid me or devalue me in public on the few occasions i've seen him. My son's mother came out and said it: "You're not worth my time," as did my now-ex-wife Karena. My dear twin sister, Viki, just flatly stated "If you're gonna kill yourself Gary, then just do it!" rather than driving the 12 minutes to come encourage me. After offering 4 times to "come get[me]" at my lowest nadir, my own mother decided at the last minute that it just wouldn't be the "right thing to do." She sent me a box of food at Christmas instead, after sending me a letter so hurtful it was mindbending.

I just don't have any positive references to draw upon. My brother used me as a thing for his pleasure, my friends all through school used me for my ability to pay for cigarrettes and alcohol. My wife used me for my income at the time. And now, when finally nobody is able to use me any more, i'm left alone. Anonymous words from strangers is all i have to cling to it seems, and they're supposed to be enough. I truly believe that if any of you actually knew me, you'd reject me too.

There's this tabletop labeled "Gary Is Worthwhile" and it has no legs. And it NEEDS legs. It needs legs like i need oxygen. But it ain't got any. And i've looked really hard for them. But if God says your worthless, i guess that's pretty definitive. There's something wrong with anybody that says, "Yeah, i wrote you a letter 2000 years ago. Um, read that and quit bugging me" anyway. But he has all the power and can treat me any way he wants i suppose. "God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy" and all. I just didn't pick a winning number apparently, or i'm just not loveable enough.

Now i'm about to lose the roof over my head. The guys i've been living with are getting sick of "[giving me] a free ride" here and i can't say i blame them. I've lost the disk with my resume' on it and don't have my work history saved in any other form. Yeah, i'm an idiot. A stupid, worthless idiot that deserves homelessness.

I don't have the strength left or the will to fight for myself any more. I really just want something to happen to me to take me out of this existence. What good can a "man" like me be to a wonderful little boy any way? Maybe a note explaining things would ease the loss of a father to him. After all, its not like i've really been one; not one anybody should want or love anyway.

I just don't know what i've done to deserve all this from such a tender age. Only thing i ever killed was a field mouse with the lawn mower. I've never molested anybody; wouldn't, period. I DID spread a rumour in high school which hurt a good friend really badly, but i apologized for it and tried to make it up to her. When is it supposed to stop going down hill and start getting better?

I just wasn't given even the most rudimentary resources to cope with stuff like this. I mean, kids should be taught just Basic coping skills, just Basic self-worth when they're young, and i got zilch. I can't wrap my head around it. I go between agonizing pain and just numbness. Brief, fleeting moments of anger and self-esteem are quickly obliterated when i remember i don't really have any real Reason to have self-worth. If God says you're shit, you're pretty-much shit. And you can't fight him because he determines ultimate reality. I never thought there'd come a day when i'd regret all my scientific, epistemological and theological study, but i do now ... bitterly. Either i'm fertilizer (Materialism/Darwinism) or i'm a "child of perdition" (the Bible). All other world-views have proven inconsistent and self-contradictory in my studies.

Tony Robbins approaches things from a philosophy called pragmatism; if it isn't useful to you now, then just jettison it. Problem is, pragmatism is intrinsically short-sighted and neglects the big picture. He would advocate CHOOSING to believe God loves me, contrary to everything that's ever happened or all the hours on my knees in the field begging for his arms around me that went unanswered. Its hard to CHOOSE that he loves me--that i HAVE intrinsic worth-- when the Author of life has neglected me so thoroughly, sending me the unmistakable message: "Um, go away kid; you bother me."

Choosing to create the legs to support "Gary is worthwhile" out of whole cloth in the face of all this seems impossible to me. I just don't have the strength--the inner resources--to do it; it just ain't there. :'(
 
One, you've done a huge benefit to yourself by throwing your feelings out here for all of us to see. It is a scary time, but I can tell you that getting involved with this discussion group has given me the strength to go on, and stare life in the face day after day....

I'm currently splitting up with my partner. We have a little girl who will be turning 1 yr old on Jan 27th.... I feel like such a failure.....

When I realized that my life was going up in flames, I thought very seriously about killing myself. I even wrote a few letters... I couldn't get through the one to my daughter.... and now somehow managed to get to today. Mainly from the support I've received from my group therapy. It's been great and I would urge you to seek out a group that you can participate in. This may take away the "stranger factor". But, please, think of us as fellow survivours, brothers who can feel your pain, we are here to listen, and maybe sometimes offer our take on lifes situations.

My little girl is why I'm here today. She is very small, but she is a very strong leg for this weak, wobbly table known as her dad. (did that ever hurt writting that).......

good luck, hope something from my rambling may help...

shawn
 
Hey AbandonedOne, I know how far down life can push us and it sounds like it's pushing you real hard!! Many of us have laid on the bottom of the barrel of life staring up at the barrel's top sooooo very far away. You are not alone in this...I and many other brothers can feel that pain. At one time or another we felt that pain and hurt. I also know that when you talk it out with guys who know what it's about, it helps. Keep talking AO, we are here!

Howard
 
ao,
i feel your pain, my friend. that seems like such a trite thing to say but here on this site it is so very true. i read your words and i hear your tears. my friend, i have read many of the works you have spoken of and have known the pain and frustration of the abandonment that is so overwhelmingly prevelant in those darkest moments. two years ago i was at that point. all the years of reading the words of better minds then my own and trying to fathom the holy works of the scriptures and the church fathers gave me no comfort because in the end it was just the emptiness of my being that i felt, and the betrayal of the woman i loved more than life itself and the loss of the son i would never know. i brought all of this to sacristy and i railed at this thing i had worshipped for so long. i railed, and i cried, and i prayed...but nothing happened. i was there for over an hour of this and was just getting ready to leave when something happened to give me hope again. i wont go into it here, but i will say that i remembered once more why it was i went there every time. there ws a promise made to a young boy so long ago who wanted to end his life because of what his mommy and her husband were doing to him. the promise was that this little boy would never be forgotten or left alone again. that little boy was me. did i still suffer growing up? yes. did i lose the only woman i had ever loved up to that point because of her betrayal? yes. did i lose the son i will never see again? my God, yes. was i ever forgotten or abandoned? no. it was in my darkest moment when i was going to take my life because of so much that i had lost...but i was not alone, and i was not abandoned. in the end, my grieving friend, what matters is not the words of the great minds, or even the words of the holy scripture, what matters in the end is that in the darkest moments when all else is lost we look once more and we see the promise that was made to a child. God is not in ritual or in words, God is in the eyes of the child. look into the eyes of your son and tell yourself what you see. pm me if you need someone.
 
Thanks guys. Wierd, but that helped a little.

Right now i feel like i can hold on.

...at least through the weekend.

My son will be coming over tomorrow night and i'll get to hug him and hear how school has been and comb his hair back into place with my fingers and give him toast and vitamins.

I'll look into his eyes. I'll listen to him ask if we have any chocolate in the house and i'll have to tell him no again. Sorry, no chips either Riley :( I'll watch him sleep and ache so much inside to be able to give him more than a sleeping bag to sleep in.

Maybe God will reach down and have mercy on me as i sit there watching him slumber. Maybe i'll be able to find some strength in my deep love for him, instead of just helpless pain. Maybe something will click in me and i'll find a reason to fight.
 
Brother,

I too have toyed with ending my life. Came close several times. I feel the pain, agaony really, in your words and I wish there was something I could do to take it away.

We all walk in the darkness, but we all see the light. Hell does exist, AO, but it's here and what we've been through.

Salvation exists too, and while you gain no peace with thoughts of an Almighty, I will say this. The proof of the Almighty is in your son. He is the potential you gave, and still give, to the worl.

I sometimes feel like a hypocrite, trying to help others when I'm in such a hole right now. But it's part of my quest for hope. It's a quest we all share, you know. even when we're ready to give up and say, "f**k hope," a la George Carlin, we keep reaching for it, seeking it out, because in our heart we know, KNOW, it's out there.

This place, AO, is a place of hope. The brothers and sisters here lift me up when I feel that I'm at the end. They prove to me that this isn't Hell's waiting room, but a way out of Hell. We can change the world and undo the harm that's been done to us. We just need to reach out.

This sounds so corny, but it's true. Brother, take my hand and let me help you with your burden for a while. It seems so heavy, but we're all here to lift it from your shoulders for a while. When the load doesn;t seem as heavy, then maybe you can help me with mine.

I wrote in a poem here once that we are brothers and sisters not by the blood in our veins, but by the blood we wipe off each other. Let us wipe some off you.

PM me if you want to. Keep posting. Keep talking. Keep looking for hope. Never let the b*****d devil win, because you are worthy of Heaven. You sure as sin have seen Hell.

Peace and love, brother. You haven't been abandoned.

Scot
 
Abandoned One,

Just read your Post, and was greatly moved by your words.
Like others have already said, 'Welcome', and I hope you find some surcese from the pain you are enduring.
Talk/write often. It has helped me a little.
Look forward to meeting you in chat someday.
Till then, take care of yourself,

Sincerely,

Whicker
 
Abandoned one - your son will remember a father that loved him and gave him a warm sleeping bag to sleep in. He may sometimes remember that sweets were not available, but there was someone there that soothed him in a way that a father should. My Dad was a good one, but he was always at work when we were kids... I only really started to get to know him just before he developed Alzheimers... there's more than one way to be a good Dad, and you care about your kid!

I don't know you from Adam.... I don't know Adam either. Your words are recent and more meaningful to me.

Give it a go for yourself and your Son ...not for us or the others in your family. I look forward to you coming back here and telling us how proud your Son is of his Dad.

Stay strong...Rik
 
AO - I wish I had a dad who got excited when I was around...who touched and huggd me...who talked to me albeit just to tell me had no sweets...I wish I had a dad who gave me a sleeping bag - warm, soft...I wish I had a dad who was sad because he wanted to give me more. But I didn't! I never had the memories you are giving your son. The memories I have are not happy or sad - there are few memories at all. My dad lived in our house but NEVER spent any significant time nor affection with me. You are giving your son more than a lot of fathers give their children. If I missed my bike from childhood I can go buy a bike BUT there is no way to replace the love and sharing you are providing for your son. Enjoy your son AO and realize you are giving him more than you can imagine. He needs you! Please be there for him!

Howard
 
AO, (Gary?) I could write a very long post to you about a lot of things you have mentioned.

Howard said it more beautifully than I can--your son will experience that his Dad loves him and treasures him. The great thing for you to always remember, is that he lives because of you. You brought him into life, with his mother--all the joys and all the fun and all the friends etc that he will have and has, is because you gave him life.

There are many things about you that make you worthwhile. I am not sure you want to hear them from me though.

One thing I really do need to say to you though, it that you do not describe the God I know, you talk about an SOB who is nothing less than a monster. I do not know that "thing" at all. I DO understand that you feel that this thing has abandoned you though.

By now you know that you are not abandoned by the men of this site. You have male friends now who understand you and your suffering. I am saddened to hear you speak of the despair you feel. I have felt despair in the past--not real distant past either. I really hope you can move just a little closer to seeing yourself as worthwhile. If you were as worthless as you seem to think you are--there would be no replies what so ever to your post.

Bob

PS Howard--thanks--I had a badly needed cry reading your last response to AO. You seem to be a very loving person.

Bob
 
I am not at all sure I have words to respond to you. I just wish to welcome you here, I hope that you find this site helpful to you. There is much support and wisdom here. Please treat yourself good.

leosha
 
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