Loco is my name-o (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

I work with a lot of Spanish and Brazilian Portuguese speakers at the newspaper depot, and it seems with the staff, I have a nickname - Loco (crazy in Spanish).

They have really no idea how this fits me. And it's both okay and troublesome.

First, let's get the negative out of the way. I don't act like the "other guys," ergo, I'm "crazy" to them. This is a label I'm damn trying to shed to myself.

They don't know how f**ked up my life's been. They have no idea how "normal" me being the way I am is, in relation to the f**ked up living, so they think it's a bit of a hoot, but harmless. So, yeah, it hurts a little, even though (I think) they don't mean anything by it, other than I'm a little kooky, and I treat them the same as I do the native-born US'ers there.

But, haven't I EARNED the right to be a little "crazy?" What with all I've (we've) gone through, and all the unlearning I have to do, isn't it okay for me to be mad? I mean, nice mad, not Hannibal-Lecter mad.

So, while it's a little irksome, I'm damn f**king proud to carry that label. The world doesn't know how I earned it, and frankly they don't need to.

I'd rather be a little screwy than normal anyway. Been trying to damn hard to be "normal." SCREW "normal!"

(Wait, that came out wrong. )

Just letting a little bit of it out of my system.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[reality2k4]

Scot,

don't you just feel like, just telling them what goes on, just to see the reaction in what follows.

Wonder what it would be, silence, laughter, regret, sympathy, the list goes on, but if they could see what they really do, and sometimes they do, at least that's what I think, they shut up for a bit, then come back again.

It's them who are f**king crazy, and screwed up, not you, I have a sister, who never calls me by my name, she has always called me "thingy", what the f**k is a thingy, could be anything, but I'm damned sure it is not me, this is how family just don't get what we go through, because they don't know the hurt they inflict on their own kin.

Maybe, they think abuse is so easy to forget, just like any other life event, I would love to tell them what goes on, Teachers at my school, knew I was abused, they thought it was my parents, and my father was brought into the school, to explain my behaviour, and why I snapped at my teachers.

A difficult task for a little kid to do, but to carry on the lie, I asked my dad to not mention the abuse, even though he wanted to, deep down, they knew it was never parental, but they knew I was abused.

As we got our first sex education lesson from a teacher the next week, and the first thing he talked about was abuse, I turned bright red, he might as well have thrown a dagger in, I even remember him looking at me when he mentioned it, to find reaction, he got it, just another abuser in my life, uncaring dirty old man to say things that he must have known, would trigger reaction.

He knew he did it, as he tried to corner me and say whatever the f**k he was up to, I never went anywhere near him after that, all I thought, the whole school will know I was abused. In the mind of a 12 year old, it is too much to bear.

I could deal with the bullies at school, but a teacher who treated me like this, it was unbearable, I can just think now, that they must have been discussing the way I was, and that I must have been abused, then he probably had a great idea to bring it up, in a session disguised as a sexual education session.

This is how I think so many people think they know all the answers to life, they haven't even been on the starting line, they don't touch the blocks, they just can't "get it", guess they never will.

The writers in this forum, really amaze me, they write from the soul, from deep feelings within, I wonder what a researcher, or anyone else on the outside of our "World" would glean from this, maybe coded messages, or a "kookie" World.

I think maybe they would want to be part of our World, just to be able to identify with what really goes on, sadly, they would never have the strength to survive it.

On the positive side Scot, in your earlier posts, you talk about, really being outgoing and funny, yes we are funny, we make people laugh, but when people turn it around, then where do we go? When they pick on me at work, or gang up, as they seem to do, I pick on the people, who I trust, and just leave the others to wallow, in what they put there by making coarse remarks, and getting praise from their peers.

Isn't this how we find our true friends? You see people who have no depth, just like the bullies at school, but I beat them and protected others from the bullies, even though I was never big enough to fight them, I could belittle them, by labelling them bullies, I don't like making negative responses to life situations, but corner me, and I make them feel so small, they want to dig their way out.

Sorry about rambling on, but just think of this, I bet wherever you worked, in your life, nobody want ed you to leave, WHY? Because you probably taught them so much about what life really is about? And what they really have missing in their own sorry lives!

take care

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Scot
I'm PROUD to be considered 'crazy', I'm got a lot of catching up to do as well !

Dave ( we NEED a 'crazy icon )

 

[Leosha]

What is 'normal'? To say that, there must be some pattern, some person or thing that is just that, 'normal'. And everything not like that is abnormal, right? So crazy is abnormal. But so is genius. So is extreme talent in something. So is shorter or taller persons. So is person with 'birthmark', or scar, or other physical marking on their body. Even among survivors, sometime we will consider different reactions or coping skills as 'normal' or not. Whatever. 'Normal' is boring. Hell with that!

Leosha