Living with what I’ve done because of my distrust of everything. TRIGGER WARNING
Hello. I struggled before with what to say here, for some reason but in the time since I’ve reached a new plateau of mental sickness. I do feel that I am moving through all the shocks and trauma as I am fully focused on this aspect of my past and going through these emotions again on a regular basis. I realised after 18 years together that my lover did actually see me as her soul mate. She didn’t have a traumatic upbringing so has no awareness of what her interaction with other males did to me. My ethos was that the only male on the planet which I could trust was her brother as he wouldn’t want to be with her sexually. Any interaction with a male brought a relative reaction. It was relative to how close her interaction was. In the moment I would freeze and I now know I was being transformed right back into any traumatic experience I had as a child and replaying it in the present moment and all the characters were my attackers in some sense. In the weeks following my head would replay over and over until I would snap, go drinking and play with the use of suicide. What I usually did was get so drunk and want to get revenge but I was in such a state at that point of decision that I was repelling every living being except a security person of some form and got flung out of this building of that. This left me more angry and alone. I spent 18 years analysing over and over how to be better, why wasn’t I better, comparing myself to all these other, picking apart every moment, taking bits out analysing more and more. I lost my mind completely but kept thinking “it’ll be ok, I just have to do this” which meant some healing process. I ended up with spirituality healers that were charlatans or basically low level vampires which manipulated me to even higher state of fear. I never hurt anyone but I was always on the verge of cold murder. A voice inside kept me straight here. I spent most of these 18 years thinking, day and night, I lost the will to work and live. I resented love. I wanted to die all the time. After 18 years it came out about my attempts to cheat for revenge, the time I did actually cheat as I believed we were over as we had not been close for years due to me pushing her away completely. All this came out and not until I witnessed her falling apart did I realise how much she loved me. The vibe that tried to tell me everything was always ok but u I didn’t trust made perfect sense. I spent half my life in turmoil because I don’t mean as much to her as she meant to me and the moment I realise that I was always her safe place was the moment that I lost it forever. It’s been2 years age I’ve only been dwelling on what it has done to her but recently my attention has turned inward and I am in a mess. My head keeps repeating the same line over and over from the moment I wake and through my day. I don’t have the rage anymore or the suicidal feelings, this is a new place, a new plateau which is a mixture of celebration because I did in fact belong in the only place i felt as a home in my entire life but despair because of what I’ve done to her from my mental sickness. It makes me sick. Is like I’ve woken from a nightmare but this is actually now my life. There’s a saying “nobody said it was going to be easy “ but that’s bullshit because loads of people say is easy, the gurus and yogis say it, at first no but it can be and I will not forget this so I’ll never stop going but I have to express how hard it is to those that understand.