"Little Scot" hurts.....(TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

Unintentional as it may have been, my digging around in my head has left me with the sad, lonely ache that I had as a child.

I had done a really good job in forgiving "little Scot" and thought I'd reintegrated him into myself again (I know how weird that sounds, but while I was repressing, I had put the WHOLE of my 11-year-old self away and was only aware that he was "gone" when the memories came back), but now, like RIGHT now, I feel the lonliness that made me such easy pickings for every abusive @$$hole that's entered my life. I feel the betrayal and isolation he felt, I feel the pain he endured in the days between being abused, the abandonment, everything.

It's sad when a child feels so outside that (S)he's willing to ignore, at the beginning, what's wrong to get what feels good.

This is the part of the abuse I'm having the hardest time shaking. I can deal with the memories, the nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, insomnia, etc., because there is a root cause for it. It's SUPPOSED to be there. But to feel so alone that you're easy pickings for the perps of the world, it hurts because I feel that I was abandoned by everyone.

Everyone.

And I'm crying, again, in a public library, waiting for a volunteer student and everyone around me thinks I'm a ****ing loon.

Damn this.

Scot

 

[FlyWM]

Yes Scot, it is rough, but you can make it through. Cry your eyes out, forget what the other people think, you have been through enough in your life, screw what other people think about it. I know you are feeling the lonliness and sadness, but remember you are not alone, you have all of us here. Feeling alone and sad is like an onion in a way, it is in layers (yes I know a take off from Shrek ) but it is true, there is one layer of extreme sadness then it gets less as you peel back the layers, and everyone once in awhile you reach another extreme layer, it may even take years but you are not there again, you have moved beyond that, you just hit another extreme layer. You can make it, you can get through it, you are tough and have the strength, and you have everyone here, just reach out all you need to help you through this rough patch. PM me if you need a shoulder, and remember you are strong enough to make it through.

scott

 

[jwh]

Scot,

I know how you feel . . . I just had a terrible dream last night with strong themes of abandonment from both my father and mother. I know that, for me, that's what set me up: being emotionally abandoned by the two of them, as well as my older brother (my older brother later joined in with my perpetrator in abusing me). I was so desperate for love, and that desperate feeling is so deep, and it can feel like a tear deep within me that I fall into and can't get out of.

The abandonment came before the abuse. I don't know what happened to you before the abuse, but I'll bet that the uphill climb before you is the same as it is for me: learning to love and protect Little Scot in a way that those who were responsible for loving and caring for him didn't.

A final note: don't worry about looking "foolish." If you can cry, that is a great thing, something that many survivors have not found yet. Crying taps the well of pent up feelings, gives release, helps us come up for a bit more air.

With love,
Jeff

 

[dan_in_newengland]

thinking of you scot, check your PM's
Dan

 

[blueelectron9]

Scot,

I'm glad you're able to cry and that you're in touch with Little Scot. It's so important to remember that your precious child needs protecting right now, and it sounds like you've got a good handle on that.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Yours in recovery,
Scott