Little Lies?
I was reading the thing about the guy who lied. I was very disappointed that his name was Bob. I couldn't believe how many guys who were writing about that said that they lied. I always tried to be so truthful and so straight forward. And then I heard that little voice...you know the one inside your head that you'd like to find and yank out of there? Sometimes I think that little guy is a whole different person and I wonder how he got there? Anyway, I heard him say, "Well, hell, Bobby, you lie." And I thought, "No I don't. I don't lie." But then I thougt, "Yes, I do. I lie. Everybody lies." So I dropped my stone and thought about it a bit....my lies and why I do it.
I lie a lot about my SA. SA just sort of lends itself to lying, don't you think? I tell my sister that my Dad didn't do it. I tell her that, so she won't be upset, but it's not the truth. Is it okay to lie, when you're doing it to protect someone? My other sister? I don't tell her anything at all. I do that so she doesn't scream at me that my father would never do such a thing and that I'm just some sort of wierdo that made that up in his pea brain little mind and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. Is it okay to lie to protect me? Is just not saying anything lying, or is it just not saying anything? I mean, I want to tell her. Sometimes it hurts inside not to tell her. I used to love her a lot. You see, my sisters are enough older than I am that I loved them in that way that little kids love older people. They took care of me. They gave me money and stuff. I am hurt beyond belief that they don't want to sit down and at least consider the fact that Daddy (that's what we called him) could have done this to me...or at least that I honestly believe that he did. What would be the harm in that? Just let me know that you love me enough to consider that it could have happened? Of course, in my real mind I know why. If I weren't still the hurt little boy I could accept the fact that it would almost kill them to think that their perfect father had done this thing. Better to think their little brother who, I admit, has always been a little weird just popped some sort of vessel in his brain and had these strange visions.
I went to the week end of recovery and people would ask me where I went, and I told them that I went to visit my sister. That wasn't a lie. I did visit my sister, but that wasn't the reason I went really. I could just visit my sister because she lived near there. That's was really a sort of lie. Then, I became angry because I thought that there was no reason why I should have to keep it a secret that some horrible person had done horrible things to me and that one of the most horrible parts of this whole thing is that we think somehow that there is shame involved on our parts and so I started saying when people asked me where I went that I went to a recovery week end for people who had been sexually abused. So there, I thought. Deal with it. It happens. It happened to me, and it might have happened to someone else you know who doesn't want you to know about it. It felt good to say it, but I worried about it. I work with children and I wondered if people would be afraid for their children now. All of those things that say that the abused become abusers. How about if I wore a shirt that said on the front: "I was sexually abused." and said on the back: "Don't worry, your children are safe." Would I keep on lying so they wouldn't wonder? Their children are safe. It's my opinion that more of us become child protectors than become child abusers. Be honest. Do you ever see a little boy who is the age you were when you were abused and not want to protect him from all of the bad things in the world that could happen to him? Do you ever see a little boy who is the age you were when you were abused and not wonder if maybe someone is doing to him what someone did to you? Abuse a kid? If anything, I have to keep myself from worrying about every kid I see, because I know how vulnerable he is and how quickly and how horribly his life can be changed forever. So, am I open about my SA, so that perhaps I can change the world's opinion about it? Someone has to start. Or am I very quiet about it because I don't want people to wonder? And at what point am I lying, and at what point is lying all right?
And then there's the whole bi-polar thing. My wife thinks I shouldn't talk about that because of the pre-conceived ideas that people have about people who are bi-polar. I am determined not to do that either. But I have seen the looks on the faces when I say it...the "oooooooh my, who would have guessed that he's one of those?" looks. And I see them looking at me as though I were one of those pictures of those huge bears rising up wih their mouths open and their teeth showing and saliva dripping out of their mouths. But with that, too, I think, "If I don't start speaking out, who will?" There is not as much shame with bi-polar disorder. No one --------ed you to give you that. Still that's strike two when you're working with children. "Oh, he was sexually abused AND he's bi-polar. I need a bigger t-shirt.
And then there's that third thing that I lie about....that gay thing. When someone makes a remark about being homosexual...and they do because some people don't know that I'm gay...or think I'm gay....or may be gay....you know that story, do I speak up and say, "You know, I'm gay and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't say those things?" Or do I remain silent because I don't want them to know? Why don't I want them to know? Because I'm married? Because I have children? I say I don't say anything because I don't want to embarrass my wife and make her explain why she stays with a gay man, but is that really the reason? I say I'm not in the closet any more, but if I'm not openly gay, am I basically lying about who I am? "Let's see now, you were sexually abused, you're bi-polar and you're gay. Hmmmm, I don't think we want Billy to be in your class this year. Nothing personal you understand, but we like Mrs. Smith's method of teaching reading better." Does everybody lie?
Little lies, yes. But, if I'm willing to tell little lies...or not tell little truths...so that my life will be less complicated, will there come a day when I'll tell a big lie so my life won't be real complicated?
I had that one gay experience (I told you about it) and couldn't lie about it and told my wife that same night. What it did to her is not to be believed. What it did to me is not to be believed. Should I have lied instead? Could lying be better in some instances?
I'm really glad I didn't jump right in there and say what a horrible person that Bob was for lying. I was really glad that I wasn't that Bob, but, you know, maybe I am. Bobby
I lie a lot about my SA. SA just sort of lends itself to lying, don't you think? I tell my sister that my Dad didn't do it. I tell her that, so she won't be upset, but it's not the truth. Is it okay to lie, when you're doing it to protect someone? My other sister? I don't tell her anything at all. I do that so she doesn't scream at me that my father would never do such a thing and that I'm just some sort of wierdo that made that up in his pea brain little mind and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. Is it okay to lie to protect me? Is just not saying anything lying, or is it just not saying anything? I mean, I want to tell her. Sometimes it hurts inside not to tell her. I used to love her a lot. You see, my sisters are enough older than I am that I loved them in that way that little kids love older people. They took care of me. They gave me money and stuff. I am hurt beyond belief that they don't want to sit down and at least consider the fact that Daddy (that's what we called him) could have done this to me...or at least that I honestly believe that he did. What would be the harm in that? Just let me know that you love me enough to consider that it could have happened? Of course, in my real mind I know why. If I weren't still the hurt little boy I could accept the fact that it would almost kill them to think that their perfect father had done this thing. Better to think their little brother who, I admit, has always been a little weird just popped some sort of vessel in his brain and had these strange visions.
I went to the week end of recovery and people would ask me where I went, and I told them that I went to visit my sister. That wasn't a lie. I did visit my sister, but that wasn't the reason I went really. I could just visit my sister because she lived near there. That's was really a sort of lie. Then, I became angry because I thought that there was no reason why I should have to keep it a secret that some horrible person had done horrible things to me and that one of the most horrible parts of this whole thing is that we think somehow that there is shame involved on our parts and so I started saying when people asked me where I went that I went to a recovery week end for people who had been sexually abused. So there, I thought. Deal with it. It happens. It happened to me, and it might have happened to someone else you know who doesn't want you to know about it. It felt good to say it, but I worried about it. I work with children and I wondered if people would be afraid for their children now. All of those things that say that the abused become abusers. How about if I wore a shirt that said on the front: "I was sexually abused." and said on the back: "Don't worry, your children are safe." Would I keep on lying so they wouldn't wonder? Their children are safe. It's my opinion that more of us become child protectors than become child abusers. Be honest. Do you ever see a little boy who is the age you were when you were abused and not want to protect him from all of the bad things in the world that could happen to him? Do you ever see a little boy who is the age you were when you were abused and not wonder if maybe someone is doing to him what someone did to you? Abuse a kid? If anything, I have to keep myself from worrying about every kid I see, because I know how vulnerable he is and how quickly and how horribly his life can be changed forever. So, am I open about my SA, so that perhaps I can change the world's opinion about it? Someone has to start. Or am I very quiet about it because I don't want people to wonder? And at what point am I lying, and at what point is lying all right?
And then there's the whole bi-polar thing. My wife thinks I shouldn't talk about that because of the pre-conceived ideas that people have about people who are bi-polar. I am determined not to do that either. But I have seen the looks on the faces when I say it...the "oooooooh my, who would have guessed that he's one of those?" looks. And I see them looking at me as though I were one of those pictures of those huge bears rising up wih their mouths open and their teeth showing and saliva dripping out of their mouths. But with that, too, I think, "If I don't start speaking out, who will?" There is not as much shame with bi-polar disorder. No one --------ed you to give you that. Still that's strike two when you're working with children. "Oh, he was sexually abused AND he's bi-polar. I need a bigger t-shirt.
And then there's that third thing that I lie about....that gay thing. When someone makes a remark about being homosexual...and they do because some people don't know that I'm gay...or think I'm gay....or may be gay....you know that story, do I speak up and say, "You know, I'm gay and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't say those things?" Or do I remain silent because I don't want them to know? Why don't I want them to know? Because I'm married? Because I have children? I say I don't say anything because I don't want to embarrass my wife and make her explain why she stays with a gay man, but is that really the reason? I say I'm not in the closet any more, but if I'm not openly gay, am I basically lying about who I am? "Let's see now, you were sexually abused, you're bi-polar and you're gay. Hmmmm, I don't think we want Billy to be in your class this year. Nothing personal you understand, but we like Mrs. Smith's method of teaching reading better." Does everybody lie?
Little lies, yes. But, if I'm willing to tell little lies...or not tell little truths...so that my life will be less complicated, will there come a day when I'll tell a big lie so my life won't be real complicated?
I had that one gay experience (I told you about it) and couldn't lie about it and told my wife that same night. What it did to her is not to be believed. What it did to me is not to be believed. Should I have lied instead? Could lying be better in some instances?
I'm really glad I didn't jump right in there and say what a horrible person that Bob was for lying. I was really glad that I wasn't that Bob, but, you know, maybe I am. Bobby
