Lingering amongst dispair.

Lingering amongst dispair.
M

Malidin41

Registrant
Where do you go when there isn't anywhere else left to go? Whats the point in continuing when there doesn't seem to be a point at all? Where do you find hope when hopelessness consumes your soul? Is there life out there or just the sheer evil hatred that we seem to attract like crap in a sewer. Is it to much to ask for just a small break to try and attempt to gain a small portion of a life? Beware, just when you think you are up, the cloud you are floating on fades and always leaves you alone in the end. I just want to go cold. I feel that I should stop trying to care and just live and let die. All that seems to happen when you try to attempt to do something right you just fail and get treated with the disrespect and evil you have earned. I'm constantly feeling dirty, not even in dreams can I escape the reality of failure and worthlessness. I wonder if God has just given up, I always thought that if you believe in God and follow him the best you can, then he will not leave and will always be there for you. Well Why then do I feel so alone? Is this all I have to look forward to? If so the great box seems more appealing!!!

"Who am I, where, am I going, hear I sit all alone not knowing why. Brace me up I'm going under help I think im going to die. Douts and frears keep coming faster boy I'm heading for a disaster thats for sure. Brace me up I'm such a failure heaven help me up above. Isn't there someone with a hand to spare, who can share what they have for my anger. Isn't there someone who will take me as I am, brace me up not put me down make me feel like im as good as another." (Song from music video Saturday's Warrior.)

Anyways now I feel even worse. I feel like I should tell my self sarcasticly, "Oh you pore baby pitty you." I do not feel like I have the right to feel at all. I feel as if I should be numb like thats what I deserve. To be mute and alone.

Quote from the song desperato. "Your prison is walking through this world all alone."

God I wish that you would eaither just bring me home or let me know you are there. I beg you, I plead to you, take my hand that is aimlessly extended wondering in the cold damp dark despair that penatrates my heart like a thousand razor blades. What ever I did wrong, please decide soon that I have suffered long enough. Please please take my hand I humbly plead.
 
Malidin,

Please know that God is not punishing you for something you have done. You are not bad. You are not evil. Bad and evil things were done to you, and that is why you have these periods of doubt and despair. I grew up being taught that good things happen to good people, and if you weren't good, then God would punish you. I was almost 30 years old before I realized that this was just a bunch of rubbish that the "church" was preaching. Life is a little more complex than that!!

God gave us all free will and you, others on this site, and I happened to come across bastards that used their free will to inflict pain on us. We also have a free will and we have to use it to overcome the abuse we endured.

We are strong. We can overcome it, but not alone. When you feel down like you do now, use one of us to build you up, use a therapist, use God, use whatever you need. Don't give up. I believe God is with you whether you feel He is or not. He'll provide a way for us to get through this shit that was shoveled our way. He'll provide a person or group of people to help you. I've seen it happen over and over. It doesn't happen overnight. These creeps that abused us didn't happen overnight either. It took them time to learn how best to take advantage of us and abuse us, it's going to take time for us to recover, buddy.

Hang in there, man. You know what those same preachers used to tell me..."when you feel you are at rock bottom, the only way things can go for you is up." I dont believe half of what they say, but I do believe that! God loves you. We love you. Hang in there brother and if you want, send me a PM anytime.
 
Malidin

I am really sorry you are in despair, you ask where God is, and he is right beside you, he has never left you even though you think he has.

God kept you here because that is the way it was to be, believe in him and embrace him, we are all brothers who share the same things, but God spared us then, yes you wonder why de didn't take you then, because of all the suffering you have endured.

We share the seemingly neverending swings of emotion and negative thoughts, but we are all here as brothers to help and share

take God's hand and let him lead you into the light and lead you from the dark

take care

ste
 
You are certainly not the only one here who has ever felt that way. Sometimes I am just waiting for God to let me go. Take me home. I am tired and want to be done with this.

Most day are better than that. Every once in a while the darkness goes on for so long that I don't believe that I can make it thru another day. That is when I somehow find the energy to drag my butt down to the hospital and ask for help.

You wouldn't believe what a relief it can be to put yourself in the hands of caring people who understand what you are going thru. Worse comes to worse, the local emergancy room is the safest place on earth.

Aden
 
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I was just having one of those days I guess, I know that God is there I just wish I could feel him hear with me. I just feel so alone and forgotten sometimes and wish I had someone to come along and take my hand and tell me it will be alright. I know it sounds kind of childish. Anyways thank you all for giving me that assurence I was looking for. You all are great people.
 
Malidin,

I'm not able to physically take you by the hand, but know that you don't have to be alone thru this. I'm here and there are PLENTY of other guys here for you anytime you need. Send me a PM anytime.
 
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