Limitations in your healing

[Tryingtolive]

I truly bealieve I'll never fully heal.
The secret will keep me in the shadows.
Leaving me with deep pain and shame.
My limitations is family.
It happened in the family.
So there for no one else can know.
I'll never be able to talk about it.
Share my emotions.
This causes me great stress and anger.
To the point where I don't want anything to do with them.
I see them completely different as to how they see me.
I'm the black sheep.
The odd one.
The one who's taken the load for everyone else.
The wrongs and secrets I hold on too.
I have a hard time enjoying myself.
Letting myself go.
Letting my guard down.
Friends are out partying.
Where as I'm trying to escape when I go out to have a few drinks.
It's a constant struggle but no one else knows.

I feel as though now where I'm at mentally.
I continue to do more harm than good.
I just can't come to terms is it me that's wrong or as a whole family.
Self blame is a main cause of depression.
Exhaustion and mental fatigue.
So many worrys I have.
That I shouldnt have.

I got to a breaking point addressed it with a therapist.
Told of the abuse.
I expected to be cleansed.
But the whole dynamic is still messed up.
I quit therapy.
After a while it felt the same each and every other week.
I knew I couldn't progress If there's people out there that won't accept your healing/needs.

I come here and Write my feelings down.
Since I have no one that will listen.
Or at least feel comfortable sharing them too.
So much inner turmoil.
Hatred and envy.
Towards peers.
Wishing I had someone else's life.
Free of incest.
A loving family from inside outside.
And not one from the outside looking in.
I don't feel real love.
I only see it.
A bond of trust with males.
Tired of second guessing myself.
I really just want help.
But won't get it.
Just so many emotions and memories forced to be kept a secret.
No one else feels the way I do.

Confusion with many things in life.
Sex, job, life, identity, love, relationships, family, friends,
All effected.
Mentally holding on.
Anger it's getting harder and harder to control.

What are some of your limitations?

 

[Ceremony]

What are some of your limitations?

Your description is well known to me, vividly so. But, I no longer have friends I go out with to drink, and wish I did. It would be going out and I don't have to drink alcohol anymore, I just want to go out. NOT growing up, I never got the ability to find friends to go out with as I made my way through a new school situation almost every year. I count 11 schools by the time I finished junior year of high school and got my GED. I went to 2 different universities. The second I basically started all over, it as a new state. I met my few friends there. They could have continued as friends if I was somebody. But, I'm not really good at being somebody.

My wife limits me because there's conflict of where and what will help either of us. Sometimes it can be a bit calm, but the bad times are really horrid. In my life, my delayed puberty, and lack of having a body that didn't freak me out as the one that bullies mentally and emotionally destroyed me about is still among my biggest limitations. It had something to do with getting with a woman who knew as little as I did about sex. It was good times while that lasted. We even went out to dance a few times, and that was a trick let me tell you.

But, now I'm a fat old man. I need to do some light exercise and I'm trying to motivate myself. Some of that tapping stuff I wrote about is slightly improving my mood. Maybe? How can I know that's it? But, I'll just mention that logically it seems there's some tiny flicker of hope with it. Knowing my body has been my worst and most horrid limitation my whole life, the burden of being fat now is excessive. So, to motivate a tiny bit of exercise and not just chuck my life away is a very big deal. See, it's easy to just let it all go and F it, like a slow end, done by not doing what I know I could do. There's truth about me in that last sentence. I have a hard time cracking open my motivation. I see my horrid past, and it's not as bad as you have my dear friend. We're not here comparing, but dear Tryingtolive, I get it just the same, to know that there's some things that stating how family sabotages really applies. I had decades of pain about that, and mine was more neglect.

I always wonder about the "what if" and my therapist has told me it's sabotage. She's kind and isn't doing a deep counter about it, she's defining and wondering if I see it? I do. My anger goes internal and like I've already written, I can get to where my damage is to damage me more. Triggered by anger, my wife f'ing with me, some outside thing (plenty of those), and nothing to counter the negative. I read on MS and even here I need to get some work in so I can be with brothers. I see work, good and difficult around here. Many seeing something to strive toward and as many stuck. I get into a cycle, and for this last week and today, I'm kind of seeing a plus sign. I'm vague, we know our brain is doing things that get in the way.

That's the thing about "never fully heal" that I think is just a statement of fact. I see this as a journey and some of it will get difficult over and over. I think my resiliency is what I want to see come back. Something I had on and off and mostly, overwhelmingly off. But, it did exist. It's somewhere there, and finding it is to build it back. My therapist gave me something that has potential to help me. Wish me luck.