Lil problems!

[Little_E]

Hi guys, not having such as good day. Got alot of issues buzzing around my head, and feel i need to let them out.

(1) I have a 2000 word Essay due in 2day, so i started it last night, Am i any the wiser, NO, Did it just wase my time, YES. Can i even write essays, have I ever written one before NO, Do i even find the subject intersting NO! Why am i doing it then, Cause the univerity is SHIT, and they have FORCED me to take subjects i dont like and frankly find very boaring! But do they care NO. They will carry on employeeing Shit Forgin lectures from the planet Zog to teach, And they wonder why everyone is failing!

(2) I know its not a big issue, but some common poileness wouldnt go a miss, a simple fone call would have been it would take, but no, no fone call, no email nuffin, So I leave this morning only to get to work and find it locked, the Skool that was ment to be coming down had cancelled and NO one had the decentcy to call me and let me know!! ARR!!

(3) Ok guys this one a little bit more harder. At work the other day (I am a Studen Amassador for my Univerity, mean we do PR, and talks wiv skools about HE). Anyway after the day had finished some of the boys on my table wanted my number, this usealy happends, so i gave it out, not ever ecaping to hear from or see any of them ever again. But Low on behold That evening I get a call from one of the boys (Aged 14). He basicly was just saying thanks for a good day, and asking some questions so that he could fill in his homework sheet about the uni. Which is fair enought. He then asks me a question on how to get this girl he like to talk to him. But then he fones the next day and the next day. Last night we talked for about 3 half hrs. And he tells me that he dosent have any friends, and that I am his Best Friend in the whole world. I answered his questions the best i could. But this whole converstaion took me back a bit. I think he deveopled some kind of attment to me. I know what its like growing up in London. and feeling like you dont have any real friends that you can talk to about things with. Go out with, Single parent families, Low income, No money. Feeling that you dont fit into any of the main groups that other kids your age do, that you cant go out and play cause you got no money. Belive it or not i know where this kid is coming from, but I'm not totaly sure where its going. Is this going to become a "About a Boy" type deal? He is a good kid, very confused about where he fits into the world. He's overiusly feels he can talk openly with me about subjects that he can't talk with him partents about. (Eg. Sex & Girls). Yet I know feel my self being resonserbil for him. Taking him under my wing if you will. But I'm not sure what i can offer him? I think at the minuit I am more confused then he is.

Elliot.

 

[Mike Church]

Elliot. I hear you. Sounds like me a lot of times. I like to rant and rave about shit. But not as much any more. I guess caus I am 62 now. I have been in AA for 26years and the serenity prayer helps me a lot.
"God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference". It has saved my from a lot of ranting.
Now about the other thing with the student. I think you may have a problem there. On the surface it appears that the relationship might be
taking a road you are uncomfortable with. Quite franky I would be too. I know that we seem to have developed, through necessity, really good radar. The young man appears to need someone to talk to and someone to share stuff with.
You say

Yet I know feel my self being resonserbil for him. Taking him under my wing if you will. But I'm not sure what i can offer him? I think at the minuit I am more confused then he is.

. Do you believe that maybe just maybe he is leading up to some issue that he feels afraid to address and is kind of dancing around the issue for fear of being hurt again. If this is the case go gently Elliot. He may be more fragile than he appears. I think again, if it wer me I might be tempted to be hones, frank and gentle and see where it goes. You say he is having trouble fitting in etc. Is he vulnerable. I dont know your story Elliot but maybe talking to your therapist, if you have one, might be a good idea.

 

[Mike Church]

Hey Elliot: I checked your profile. You are into exptreme sports too. Great. I am too, mountainbiking, hockey (ice & inline) and snowboarding. I need the adrenelin rush. I was diagnosed about 6 months ago as have ADHD ( Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder). When most people have a near accident the adrenelin flowing through them has them bouncing off the walls. With me I calm down and can think clearly. Studying was impossible for me, as is reading a manual, watching tv, riding a bike on the street. Not enough action. But you know what , even though I have had it all my life, secretly I am glad cause I have done some really great things that I have had maximum rushes from. In a kind of perverse way it may have have helped me survive from my SA. Hope I have helped.

 

[Lloydy]

Elliot
I would be very wary of this lad, whatever his intentions are. The chances are he's on the level and just needs a friend, but he needs one his own age.

In our situation having a kid come on to you, just for friendship, can produce the worst feelings, they do for me anyway.
I have to be careful, not that I feel I might abuse them - sex with kids has never been my thing - I just don't know the right way to respond to them, so I get scared and resentful of them being there.

I would tell the school head teacher as well, just incase it blows up.

I'm probably being way too cautious here, but that's just me - sorry.

Dave

 

[Troy]

Hi Elliot. I think the reason you wrote is because this younger boy is reaching out to you in ways which is making you uncomfortable. And I think you are confused because a part of you might desire him more than you're willing to admit. I get the vibe that he wants more than just a buddy. At 14, his hormones are going crazy and he probably feels very alone and very awkward about it. Plus, he might not have a solid male role model in his life right now. But at 20, your hormones are also very strong and you must learn to keep them in check.

Please forgive me if I am reading into this the wrong way, but I'm pretty blunt about my views. It is a wonderful thing for you to be a role model and a friend to him - especially since you can relate to his socioeconomic status and way of life in London. But you are 20 years old and he is only 14. You are becoming a man and he is still a boy.

I think it's a mistake for you to talk for hours with him on the phone...especially when some of those conversations are too sexual. Part of being a solid male role model is setting up boundaries. You need to communicate to him NOW that you are willing to be his friend, but that he needs to understand you are not available to him in other ways. Aside from legal issues, which you need to be very concerned about, you must be strong to keep your relationship with him purely platonic because he needs a mentor, not a lover. He has already developed a huge crush on you, and you must seek to find a mature way to handle it.

Regardless sexual orientations, you need to set-up some boundaries with him. Don't allow him to talk with you on the phone for hours, set a time limit to yourself and try to keep it. Be careful about your sexual conversations. Talking about sex is fine, but when the conversation becomes a form of sex itself, it needs to stop. In other words, if either of you are getting turned on when you talk about sex, then perhaps you need to limit what you talk about. Don't tell him you are setting up these boundaries and what you're doing to keep your relationship with him platonic, just do it. He will not understand. He needs to find friends his own age too, and you can encourage him in this direction. This is a difficult issue for you to handle. Both of you are still boys, but he is much younger than you. It's very flattering when a boy is attracted to us, and there are many emotions which develop between guys - some of which are mistakenly acted out sexually. Guys often tend to mistake platonic love for one another as a sexual thing...but it's not.

Good luck and share more with us if you need to.

 

[Mike Church]

Elliot. I echo the thoughts of Troy.
If it were me I think that I would discuss the situation with my therapist and a guidance councillor at the school. IF he were looking at me as a role model I could do that as long as ground rules were firmly set. IF he is trying to open himself to me about something is his past I dont think I could deal with that quite frankly. I am having emough trouble with myself. IF it is something else I would be extremely cautious.
One thing I might do ( I guess caus I am 62) is to let him into my past and some of the issues I am dealing with. I find being honest and frank about things (some would call that being direct) leaves no room for misinterpretation. I would also, in protection of my own self, talk to someone you can trust, in confidence, about the situation. Someone at the school. I would look for a person that was level headed and prone to examining any given situation in an intelligent manner and one who does not go off half cocked and screw where the bodies fall. Elliot each and every one of us who have posted here acknowledge the difficult situation you find yourself in.
You say

But I'm not sure what i can offer him? I think at the minuit I am more confused then he is.

That is a powerful statement. Were I you I would seek some really good advice from someone I trust totally.