Likely denial from family

Likely denial from family
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
My therapist asked me the other day to talk about my relationship with my parents and what my home life was like. Basically, it was pretty bad, capped off by the fact that Im a survivor of incest.

As I was recalling the total lack of emotional connection and support throughout my childhood, and to this day also the topic was raised about disclosing or discussing my abuse with my parents. They dont know to this day about what my older brother did to me all those years.

Actually, they knew about one time at least. They caught him doing things to me and then proceeded to threaten BOTH of us that if we ever did anything like that again wed BOTH be in big trouble. I wont go into details here but lets just say physical harm was a real and valid threat that was made to both of us.

I told my therapist that I had no intention of EVER saying anything to my parents. Im sure that somewhere else in the family the incest had its origins and it would be satisfying to some extent to try and uncover the shame and secrecy but theres already many family secrets thats how my family operates. I am totally convinced that if I ever tried to talk about this to them that they would deny it ever really happened, suggest I was making it up or theyd simply tell me it was my fault and I was totally responsible and should have not allowed it to happen.

Thats my bottom lie I guess. I have anger at that assumed response and I have no trust or faith in them that they would even accept what I say.

Doe anybody have another take on this or experience in these issues?
 
I know exactly what you mean. It is so Fuc_ing isolating. I know that telling my family would only make my recovery worse. I have one sister who hurt me and then direct her angier at my mother. The others 2 or 3 would fall apart and I would have to take care of them. My brother and I have only started to get get close and I am not sure how he would react. My mother has early stage DAT and was mistreated by my father and sent to Europe as a child (I think that she was abused). She care for her elderly grandparents, lived with an aunt and returned to NYC at 18. It is weird but her and sister married real creeps but all my mom talks about is her sister's rough life.

I do have some very good friends who know the family and agree with how I feel. I have come to the conclusion that recovery is about leaning to take care of me. I hope that it includes finding a wife and starting a family. I do see a brighter future for myself.

I hope this helps! I wish you much peace and happiness.
 
Grunty,

My experience with my family was nothing like yours, but when a family gets dysfunctional it's pretty typical for there to develop an "everyone for himself" attitude. That just makes things worse, of course, since no one feels looked after and therefore feels no urge, in turn, to look after the others.

I think that would explain how you predict they would react if you told them:

I am totally convinced that if I ever tried to talk about this to them that they would deny it ever really happened, suggest I was making it up or theyd simply tell me it was my fault and I was totally responsible and should have not allowed it to happen.
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Again, there don't seem to exist any bonds that would compel family members to reach out to nurture and cherish each other.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry
 
Grunty:

I don't have personal, direct experience with CSA...in other words, it did not happen to me. However, my ex-husband's sister, one of my dearest friends in the whole world, experienced abuse at the hands of her brother(s). (If you follow that and are asking yourself, did my husband abuse his sister, the answer is YES.) She started to go to therapy about 15 years ago and has done such a great job of working through issues caused by her incredibly f'd up family. We've been friends for about 20 years and when she first started to deal with this, she told me about her OTHER brother (not my at-the-time husband). She finally felt ready to confront her family--for her it was a mixed experience. Her mother seemed shocked, her father minimized and her OTHER brother responded in the best possible way...he acknowledged that it happened, he acknowledged his responsibility, they talked at length about what it had done to her, what dynamics in the family and his life contributed to its happening. He told his wife, he confessed to his church, he began working with youth groups and using his story as a way of advocating that they stay away from drugs and alcohol (because he believes they lowered his inhibitions and barriers that would have otherwise kept him from doing such a horrible thing.) She has forgiven him, they speak regularly on the phone...BUT, she does say that it works because they live half way across the country from one another...she wouldn't want to see him all the time.

As I was hearing all this (~15 years ago), I asked the natural question about her brother, my at-the-time husband. She told me he had not done anything to her. At the time we had been married about five years and I was already concerned about some boundary issues...but we also had two kids. I was reassured by what she told me and continued to ignore my gut feelings. After 19 years of marriage, I couldn't do it anymore. I discovered his use of on-line pornography and noted that some of the sites involved teens...and we have two daughters. I confronted him and he minimized and denied...to make a very long story short enough to post, I divorced him. I'm very fortunate to have a great job and was able to buy him out of the house and meet all of his financial demands. He's been out of my house for about a year and a half.

In January, my sister-in-law and I were talking on the phone and I asked her permission to tell her story to a dear friend who was beginning to confront his own CSA. I've always admired the tenacity and candor with which my sister-in-law dealt with her abuse and I wanted to share it with him. She gave me permission to tell anyone--and then she told me she had a confession, that she had lied to me about her other brother, my ex-husband. She begged my forgiveness and told me that when she began to talk to the family about her abuse, my ex-husband had flown out to see her. While her other brother's assaults had been violent, "out of the blue", sneak attack occurences, my ex-husband's abuse had included the use of power, manipulation and coercion. He continued that behavior, asking her not to talk about their "incidents" because, after all, it's what kids do, etc....You might think I would be angry at my sister-in -law for not telling me sooner, but I didn't find a BIT of anger. If there is anyone who could understand manipulation and how manipulative he can be, it is me. I saw us both as his victims.

I was, however, absolutely in a panic about my kids. We have joint custody, they stay at his house when I travel for work. I won't go in to all the things I have done, conversations my kids and I have had (though I haven't told them about what their dad did to his sister), but I am confident that they have not been physically abused by him. I have them all in therapy, though, (and the therapists know about their father's history with his sister) to work on the effects of his malevolent personality. He doesn't respect their boundaries, talks inappropriately...well, I won't go on...I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him now. Before, we had what I would call an "amicable" divorce. On the surface, it still is, because I have to talk to him since we share children. But I get the dry heaves when I think to much about what I was married to...oh, and yes, I went back to therapy when I found this out...

I found a book that I sent my sister-in-law, called "Not Child's Play". It is specifically about sisters who are abused by their brothers and I actually could not read the whole thing. I sent it to her, and told her that it was my fantasy that at some point she would send it to her brother. Anything else that happens between those two is for her to do, though.

Wow, I have gone on and on...I think it is applicable to your question, though. The short answer is that it appears that there is really no way to predict how family will react and before you confront, you need to be ready to deal with whatever reaction you get. Whew.
 
Hi Grunty

I was abused by my father and my mothers brother. There is no way I am going to talk to my mother about it because her method of dealing with unwanted,unpleasant issues is to ignore them, classic head in sand or if she feels cornered, to go on the offensive in order to ensure that it goes away.
I know that she does not have the skills or stability to deal with what I would tell her in an "adult" way and that ain't gonna change. For that reason I can see / feel no benefit to me in telling her.

My partner who is a male survivr also feels very similarly about his own parents who didn't protect him.

You sound so doubtful that talking to them would be a good thing for you. I'd go with yourself on this one. I know recovery isn't a DIY project but sometimes survivors have exactly the right answers..

Lots of love

Tracy
 
Grunty,

I have written and not sent a reply to this post a few times. It hits close to home for me.

Basically I think Tracy said it well-- part of recovery is learning to trust your own instincts and emotions again, and learning when to believe the voice that says something is wrong.

For me, there is a voice that says "I could NEVER talk about this with X..." and generates a lot of anger and isolation in me. I don't believe that voice comes from a healed place in my heart and I don't know that I can trust it to guide me.

There is also a voice that is gentler and encourages me to look realistically at X and what X is capable of recognizing and of giving to me. This voice says "Make decisions that will help you get the things you need" and for me right now, I can't get what I need by talking about it with X. That generates mostly sadness but also a sense of gratitude that I am able to care for myself and protect and provide better for my own children.

Really the whole thing is about loss and the spectrum of emotions that come with accepting a loss, I think. A very wise man here said to me once that even as babies we KNEW that we were supposed to get something from our families that we didn't get, and that it's important to allow ourselves to grieve about it.

SAR
 
Grunty,

Tracy makes an important point that I would like to pursue a bit:

You sound so doubtful that talking to them would be a good thing for you. I'd go with yourself on this one. I know recovery isn't a DIY project but sometimes survivors have exactly the right answers...
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I would just add to this that if CSA definitely isn't a DIY project, that doesn't mean turn to any warm body for help. We can ALL find safe people to talk to and rely on. We don't need to take the risk of giving up sensitive information to toxic or dysfunctional relatives just because they are relatives. It's sad when we can't rely on those closest to us by blood, but if that's the way it is, no amount of grief or regret is going to change things. We just have to look elsewhere.

Much love,
Larry
 
Grunty,

I can understand how you feel. I had a pretty bad childhood too. My father was an agressive drunk and he had no interest in being a parent. I was abused by my mother who was abused by my grandfather. I feel absolutly no emotional bond to either of my parents and would be quite happy to never see either of them again.
I feel an imense amount of anger towards my parents and I have thought about confronting them but like you feel they would just deny anything, imply that I'm making it up and just fail to admit any wrong doing on their part.
I don't think that I would get any benefit from this. In fact I think it would seriously hinder my recovery process.
I have only just started my recovery (3 months into therapy) and its really hard but I hope to come through and be stronger for it.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do
 
Hi thetraveller

I see this your first post. Hi from a fellow brit. Sorry you had to find this place, welcome and I hope you find it helpful

All the best

T
 
Traveller,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I see you are pretty new to posting so I would just like you to know you are noticed and welcome.

I think you are making the right decisions where your parents are concerned. The issue really isn't confrontation as such, it's what do I WANT from confrontation as opposed to what I would GET. If a survivor engages in a confrontation and it all goes wrong, then, exactly as you say, his recovery can be badly affected.

Much love,
Larry
 
I'm a female that was ganged raped. The asyps kept mentioning they were doing it because I desirved it they kept saying they hated my dad. I'm now dealing with flash back from my growing up years. This is one of them. The family that raised me abused me and had me beleive they're my family. No I now remember my real dad. My real dad was sent to jail. I grew-up with a lot of dm secrets. I hate deception. It hurts me to have the knowledge that my dad was abused at the hands of his step-dad. I remember him changing his personality twice. That hurts too. Because I love him.... I hate the man who did this to him...
 
I am going through that now. My whole family knows my older brother sexually abused me from 9 to 12 and when I began getting help 17 months ago and I am unmarried and 57 they look at me and say whats the big deal that was 45 years ago, get it together. Its hard thank GOD for this site.
 
Puzzled,
I know exactly where you are coming from. I confronted my brother who sexually abused me for a period of 5 years this past August. I also wrote letters to all of my 7 siblings.

Since then only 2 of my siblings have contacted me with support. The other 5 have more than likely "written me off" Like you I have heard that my family thinks I should just get on with life, I should just forget about the past, I should not be stearing up old crap from many many years ago. Obviously they JUST DON'T GET IT> I suppose my family feels I am enjoying all this pain and anxiety and all the nightmares that go with it.

The pain regarding my family did hurt for awhile. Now I say, f...k them all. It is their loss, not mine.

Ken
 
Hey Ken,

I'm so happy that you got some mesure of support from your family. That is truly a blessing. As for the others, well you're right in what you say. My family situation is so toxic that I was left with no other choice but to cut them adrift. Sometimes getting well and recovering means making hard choices. Hard choices that always pay off in the end.

Your post tells me that you're learning to love yourself. More power to you!
 
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